Mocha & Manta Rays

The Simple Girl Index

2011-06-26T23:03:00.000+08:00

I came across this article in the Philippines Star, wonderfully written by DIVASORIA.PH

“Ask your guy friend – “so who’s your dream girl?” and he’s going to say, among other things – “I want her to be cute, nice and simple”.

What is a “simple girl” ?

Passing rate 75% and I got 32% (sebab tuh ke... heha)

- Michelle is def not simple -

The Most Important Man

2011-06-20T22:49:00.000+08:00

A colleague asked me last Friday, in one of our office-nights out, " So, have you meet the guy who will love you for who you are, care for you for the rest of your life & treat you like a Queen? "

" What are you talking about, KC? I found him already. He's at home right now, most probably watching some Canto drama on TV! My Dad will love me for who I am, fat or thin, rich or poor, young or old"

(KC smirked) " You gotta go out more, girl..."

Aaah. The great, big mystery on why I am still single.

But this post is not about me. It's about the man who will love me for who I am.

My earliest memories of him was when I was about 7years old. He was on shift work at that time and I clearly remember I would be sad the each time he leaves for work at night, because I knew he would not be there to tuck me to bed. As a child, I didn't know how to tell him that. I just stood at the door and watched him whizz into darkness until my tiny stature could no longer catch his view.
In the next morning, I will wake up fully covered with blanket from shoulder to toes. And he would be in the next room, sleeping, snoring away. Being the unfeminine sleeper that I am, I knew that it was he who covered my blanket. Every morning without fail, I would wake up to my blanket fully covered on me.

My next memory was when I was about 10+. It was the time my Mom & I would challenge to get his attention. At least thats how I felt, not sure about Mom. It was that period where I felt I cannot lose to Mom. I want to be his favourite girl not Mom.
Whenever Mom showed him a new skirt she bought, I would run upstairs, put on my favourite dress and parade to him hoping he will like my dress more than Mom's skirt. Whenever Mom cooked him his favourite meal, I would quickly go to the fridge and give him my favourite Vitagen, hoping he likes Vitagen more than the meal. And in each quest, I felt I reigned victory, because he would place a KitKat bar in my lunchbox the following day.

Our relationship wasn't so rosy when I grew older. You see, he was a short-tempered man. Very quickly to raise his voice at the slightest irk. Very quickly to say nasty things when he is angry.
When I grew older, I had the courage to yell back. Teenaged suppressed angst. He would raise his voice when I come home past the agreed time and I would yell back, I am old enough daddy!
However, this always results in me crying in my room immediately after. It never ends on a happy note.

*******************************************************

His hair is all grey now even his beard. He has lost his most of his bulging belly and his back is easily susceptible to sprains & twists. His skin is wrinkly and he has lost most of his teeth. Yet to me, he is still the most good looking man. Ever.
Because of him, I am the intelligent, attractive young lady I am.

His temper is still there. He still shouts & get angry. However, I don't yell back anymore. I just keep quiet, let him rant all his steam, then calmly say " You are angry right now. Calm down, it's not good for your blood pressure. I will leave you alone."
The following day, as though nothing happened, he will ask me if I want to eat yau char kwei for breakfast. He will go buy some.

There is never a day, it hurts me so much that I wished I could be at home. Just be at home. Don't get me wrong. He is very happy, enjoying his retirement years, indulging in his gardening hobby and can look after Mommy & Brother much, much better than I do.
But, I just want to be home.

******************************************************

Happy Father's Day, Daddy. Wow, you had a haircut! So leng jai already.

(Daddy smiled) "Heheh... thank you, when are you coming back, we go makan besar! "

- Although, I have not met that guy who will lift me up from Divemaster's vortex, it doesn't really matter. I have 2 boys at home who will love me for who I am, love me in sickness and in health, in poverty or in wealth... -

JJK - the not so part II *

2011-02-28T21:19:00.000+08:00

Jimmy. The gorgeous manager I totally stopped breathing for. Yes. He is here. He was supposed to come in to office tomorrow. I was prepared to lose my senses second time.

453pm. Received email, meeting venue changed.

What?

Why??

Why can't I have just that little piece of happiness, shaking his hand & saying hi?

Why won't happiness come find me?

JJK

2011-02-19T18:03:00.002+08:00

I came down the stairs on a lookout. Vaguely, I know how he is supposed to look like. All from my incessant prying from his FB.
I saw a pretty boy's side view. I know its him. He heard me coming down. My famous "plik plak" footsteps. I pretended not to see him - the naive act all girls use.

He rose up and approached me. Wow, how tall he is. Shook hands, then talk. He was talking about timelines and factories. I looked into his eyes. Body language 101 - art of communication.
I stopped. Staring at his eyes for more than 3 secs gives me goosebumps.
He is DAMN gorgeous. OK, switch. Look at the sofa. He talked some more. About colors & lacquers. I can't seem to focus.

Introduced him to my colleagues. I was distracted with the big orange beads he wore on his left hand. Religious is he?

After about 30mins or so, its a wrap up. He shook my hand, "nice meeting you Michelle". I replied hope to see you soon again. I went back to my meeting, heart skipping a beat, still unable to focus. I was actually smiling from inside out.

*************************************

I walked into the room headed straight for the soup pot. What soup are they serving today? Turned my attention to my cool Jap colleague and there he was. Sitting at the corner.

He stood up offered me his chair. I politely decline, mind went fuzzy again. "try the soup, it nice", said he. OK, I smiled. I didn't like the soup. Tasted like diluted ketchup. He left the room to put his dirty plate. I lingered, trying to focus on my fried chicken instead of his handsome face. He came back in and signalled me out. "Michelle, i need to ask you about PO issuance".

I told him the formal stuff, then he asked me if I went anywhere. He suggested I go to Sutos. Then he mentioned that he lived nearby and some mudslide caved in some highway. Throughout, he was standing centimeters away from me, arms resting on the table, head lowered, as if he wants to speak to me on the same level. So close. This time I succeeded more than 3 sec. 15sec max. I had to divert and look at my fried chicken. Another wrap up, he shook my hand and I said goodbye. Again.

A total of 4 handshakes

*************************************

Jimmy, you're seriously one hell good-looking manager. More like a living, breathing hunk. I syiok you gila-gila.
-- but your ring on your finger will keep all these purely in my fantasies.

What Do You Remember about 2010?

2010-12-31T15:47:00.003+08:00

Reubs asked me this a couple of days ago. "2010 was nice to me. I got a niece, I got a new job, I went to Bali, yeah, it was nice..."

Back to me. What do I remember about 2010?

I went to live & work abroad, thats major
I celebrated my first year break-up by sending an uber, long sensitive email to Divemaster which up till today, I didn't get no reply
I got a few nice tatts, all in hope to forget Divemaster
I went to Boracay, where the sand is so fluffy I could die
I read 'Tuesday's with Morrie' and am enlightened to cherish what truly matters in life

5 points. Thats all I remember. And 2/5 concerns Divemaster. Not bad in pursuit of recovery?

I came to realization that Kubler Ross 5-stage model isn't really foolproof. I will never reach Level5 (Acceptance) and I realize I will never forget Divemaster. The wounds will never heal. Through time, what is actually happening, I begin to think less of him. Less staring at his pictures, less replaying the wonderful memories, less pretending he's coming back. Lesser and lesser.

That's what I've become. Lesser and lesser of him, More and more of family. Mom, Dad, the spoilt Bro will be the pillars of strength. Every morning, I wake up, I brush my hair, I see their strength inked on my shoulder.

Goodbye 2010, it wasn't such a great year, but it wasn't that bad either. No complains from moi. Hope I'll get to meet some decent-looking guys in 2011 because I'm getting tired of not having anyone to go to movies with!

Somewhere in my parallel universe

2010-11-07T21:34:00.000+08:00

(smart ass pic-text, but hits me right there)

Is Man-liness dead?

2010-09-19T22:34:00.000+08:00

i made an observation

guys from this part of the world are wussies. sissys. nimpsies. every nice-looking guy i see will be clutching a girl's hand - tall, short, plump, thin, pimply, old, young, smooth, mole-y, naive, slutty, loud, timid, dumb, dumber - girls from the whole spectrum

and i see big, beefy guys clutching tiny ugly-looking handbags while their dumb gfs swing their butts like golf sticks.

sissys. are there no real men here ?

disappointing. i miss my Divemaster, he will show them what a "man" is

Michelle will just adopt a dog -

michelle joins, Tuesdays with Morrie

2010-09-15T23:01:00.000+08:00

"Learn how to die, and you learn how to live"

So true, so profound ...

Enlightened is me -

Being Happy on your own

2010-08-23T00:15:00.000+08:00

" to be dependant on someone's love or happiness is never healthy "

in order to achieve happiness within me - solely by me, i want to:

learn how to cook
travel the world, eat exotic foods, observe strange culture
photo-document my travels
emphasize more on how i look, just so i feel confident looking in the mirror
more reading, less TV
constantly express love to mom, dad & brother that they're everything to me
have the courage one day to delete Divemaster's picture from my phone

michelle forgot how to be genuinely happy on her own -

Cravings of Banana Leaf & Mango Lassi

2010-08-14T18:52:00.003+08:00

It's one of those nights when I'm sentimental again.

FB is a door to emo-michelle. And I never seem to learn, for I always am somehow lead back to that evil door, opening tonnes of depressing memories.

Browsed through lovey-dovey, cutesy pictures of Von & his model gf. We double-date quite a bit and Divemaster used to say Von is just fooling around. Baah!
Look who's fooling around? Von just went on a hot vacation @Nusa Dua and Divemaster left me a year ago. You see? You see the things I put myself into?

Now I'm all emo, sitting alone in my room, polluting my lungs, wishing I was back in Nov. Gaah.

I need a diversion. Something to distract me.

Michelle misses her first date at Vishal -

Selamat Harijadi Michelle

2010-07-11T10:15:00.000+08:00

I am 27 today, wow... 27. I am getting old. I didn't want this day to come, let it be, let it slide, as normal as Thursdays can be. Thoughts of yesteryears creep in as 8th July approaches. I told no one, but I was supposed to be at Rainforest Music Festival,Swak this year. Supposed to be my birthday gift.

All I wanted for my birthday is to see Divemaster in flesh.

Dear Blog,
It's coming up to a year now - since Divemaster left. You will think I'm getting better, wouldn't you? I tell myself that too sometimes. I can say I'm no longer that wreck of shit last year, who hides in a corner and cry till my eye veins pop.

Yet I still keep his picture in my phone, occasionally whips out to look at it whenever I see something that reminds me of him. Just the other day, I saw a banner that says "Dive Now, Work Later". It was his motto, something which he always tells me. And there I was staring at my phone forever.

I can't let go. I'm stucked and I can't climb out.

How long is it going to take? 2yrs? 5 yrs? Baah..I'm gonna be a wrinkled spinster !

A first birthday in the Philippines was nice. The office threw me a surprise party (I was really caught surprise!) with 2cakes, pizza & ice cream. Everyone treated me super awfully nice. Everyone wanted to hug me even my giant Brazilian director, "Birthday Girl! C'mere and give me a hug! Happy Birthday u!". Walter called me all the way from Indonesia. Woah. How's that?

Once a year - Obligation.

At the end of the night, after a few mango shakes & stinging pain from my latest inked!, I went to bed with a hope, "I wish my Divemaster was here"

My only consolation was Divemaster dropped a birthday greeting on FB. At least he remembers,

Divemaster becoming fulltime

2010-02-26T15:59:00.000+08:00

dear blog,

i heard my Divemaster tendered his resignation today. no, he did not tell me. i heard it from a friend through a colleague through a friend.

i am sad.

it's just not me who's avoiding him. it works both ways, he is too. with him leaving PM, this means i will no longer see him. not even his car not even his desk. he will soon vanish in a poof! lose all trace of sentimental memories that tie to him. he's leaving, michelle.

he finally took the bold step. i am guessing he decided to become Divemaster/Underwaterphotographer full time, a dream he told me numerous times when we were together. or he could get married to that lawyer bitch of his and settle down in an island. well, i hope not....

according to Kübler-Ross model, people deal with these 5 stages when faced with tragedy or grief :

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

6months has passed and i guess i'm in #4. what' strange with me, don't matter how badly i want to avoid him, at the back of my head, i know he is just 1 floor above me. though i don't see him, i don't talk to him, i know he will be upstairs at his desk noon onwards. that assurance is no longer valid soon. he's leaving, michelle.

i thought i'll build up courage, walk up to him and say goodbye when i leave (the least i could do...) but it doesn't matter anymore. he's leaving sooner than i am. and he didn't have the thought to tell me...

Stepping into Tiger Year

2010-02-21T00:35:00.001+08:00

Tiger New Year 2010 came and gone in a whizz. I had a fabulous time, never reminiscing of Divemaster even once. I ate hard, slept hard, watch tv hard & repeat this whole vicious cycle hard! In a week, I gained back whatever depressive weight I lost during my depression days and plus 15kilograms. They're calling me a penguin now. happy feet...

All of a sudden, my heart feels heavy. Like all of a sudden. I'm sending my bro off tomorrow and till I see him again in what... Dec? All of a sudden, I feel this heavy pang leaving Dad. Seeing him waved goodbye at the door flashes through in my head, with his out-of-bed hair. All of sudden, I miss Mom. I want to record the sight of her waiting at the door the each time my car pulls into the driveway.

All of a sudden I feel scared. I don't want to leave anymore. I don't want to be alone. I don't want it anymore. I want to pull out.

I fake to everyone my positivity & excitement. I told them, it's good for me! A change of environment will be good for me. I need to let go of Divemaster.

Now I am scared. It's hitting me.

Shit, I need to talk to someone. Someone level-headed. Knock some positivity & excitement back into my emotionally messed-up head.

p/s: Xweing, thks 4yer good wishes. I hope tis yr will be a good yr for us all.

Michelle thinks, " you better not let Mom catch you tearing. how is she gonna let you go with a peace of mind? you sensitive emotional idiot! "

Happy 30-something Birthday Divemaster

2010-02-08T00:48:00.000+08:00

Last Friday was my DM's birthday. An Aquarius baby. Google says - Being steady in one relationship is not an Aquarian's cup of tea. There is always so much to discover, how can he remain tied to a few people only. Shit...why didn't I google him up earlier?

Last year I scoured the internet for weeks, finally found a hidden cupcake gem in Seapark and gave her specific details on how I want the birthday cake to be. The masterpiece below welled up tears in his eyes. Even I, myself was amazed how beautiful they turn out.

Michelle did not want to think much on that day. But fate has it, her hp beeps a reminder: Divemaster's Birthday. Dang!

Weekender - 30th Jan

2010-01-31T21:35:00.001+08:00

My Divemaster is on the front page of Weekender today, in his cool shades. I saw it once, I saw it twice. Yes, it's my Divemaster in his classic uber-cool Oakley shot @sipadan.
I told Mommy about it, she said,

so? what has that got to do with u? u still want to see him??

(silence....)

Blank look and I kept quiet.

fuvk it man, why does he get so many publicity shots in the Star? and he still looks so darn good-looking! Michelle secretly drools here ... http://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2010/1/30/lifefocus/5551663&sec=lifefocus

Hard to Say Goodbye

2010-01-25T23:41:00.000+08:00

Do you ever get that heart tug, tummy queasy feeling the each time you say goodbye?

I do. The each time Daddy sees me off as I stepped into a taxi heading to KLIA. I know it's only gonna be a few days - but somehow I always get that jittery uneasiness. Looking out from the window, seeing my aged dad with his out-of-bed hair waving goodbye at the door, it's so hard for me to say goodbye.

Could it be my uber-sentimental Cancerian trait?

Mom came up and said, "you take care ah..."
I looked up and replied, "errr... yes I will. you two enjoy yourselves"

*jittery uneasy tummy queasy feeling

They're coming back in a few days, Michelle.

Michelle can't even bear to think coming March. How does she say goodbye knowing this trip won't just take a few days? Shit...she's gonna cry shit loads at the airport

The Year That Was, 2009

2010-01-01T09:56:00.000+08:00

2009, the year that was. A mixture of emotions - laughter, joy, anger, hatred, sadness, betrayal and depression.

The year started out good, she had a chance in a lifetime to go see real snow!12hrs on board KLM and 2hrs on board TGV was worth every second. Walking down the cold, wet streets of Lausanne in search of lunch, brought her realism that the world is huge. The world does not revolve around Zouk & 1 Utama only. Watching blonde hair girls in fancy winter jackets and aged men sipping coffee in a thermostat warm cafes, showed her what a beautiful world God has created.

She also accomplished her childhood dream of becoming a diver! What better way than to get certified in Mabul, one of Malaysia's most beautiful islands. Coincidentally, her course coincided with Valentine's day; a V-day she will remember for the rest of her life. Twinkling stars, cool sea breeze, rhythmic waves... what more a girl could ask for. She was indeed happy. A pure, sincerest form of joy.

A few overseas trip followed, though it didn't matter where... it was more about who. Many happy days were shared, times when she WAS his princess. Falling in love is such a strange phenomena; you act giddy & foolish, sometimes irrational not giving a shit on what's happening and all you want, is just be together. On Sunday mornings, he will snug up and say, "Beee, wake up... what do you feel like eating today?" "Pork noodles!", she'll yelled

Did anyone tell you all form of joy is temporary? No one told her, she learned it the hard way. Most painfully was the day at the airport, when she watched him turned his back and walked away from her. She knew at the back of her mind, she has lost him. He won't be coming back.

Alas, she survived the teary journey cab back home. Many more heart wrenching days followed, though she is still getting through the i-miss-him-so-much moments, time will help. It's coming in to the 4th month now, does anyone think she's getting better? chee tat?

2010 is just a running number. Nothing's special. But it is a time to forget the shit from the past and appreciate the future. She should forget the divemaster - the man whom she thought she can't live without - and move on. Mend her broken heart and move on.

Michelle wishes Happy New Year and hope 2010 will be a better year for her, her loved ones, her caring friends and for her Divemaster. Let's hope things won't work out with that bitch and he'll regret so badly he left Michelle

What Xmas '09 ?

2009-12-20T23:08:00.000+08:00

5 more days till Xmas. Many of my colleagues have gone home - some ran to a beach with the kids, some gone back to the in-laws to have their annual get-together, some flew 1000km to sardine themselves at a posh nightspot and then, there are some... some who prefers to hide in her room accompanied by her virtual fishes from Fishville. Someone like moi...

Barely a year ago, Christmas was spent at Maya Hotel with unlimited DVD home movies. As I stared out of the window, mesmerized in awe by booming fireworks from Zouk, I told myself, " i'm the happiest girl in the whole wide world!" Wonderful colors illuminate our surroundings highlighting a "mr.red santa boxers" jiggling. I ate, I drank, I danced, I laughed, I gulp so much, I passed out on the couch - funny, every second still lingers fresh in my mind. But alas! All joy is temporary.

Michelle hopes mom will cook something nice for Xmas... perhaps bak kut teh might soothe my soul

Lunch & Learn with Walter

2009-12-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

Walter: you can cry, you can sulk, you can be bitter all you want. but after sometime, you just have to let go and move on. far better things will come to you, bigger, greater - you just have to be patient. you create your own happiness, happiness don't just come to you ... (then he winks his eye at me)

Taufik: michelle....who ever the man gonna marry you, is very lucky. yes, shure. you're cute, smart...that man is gonna be so damn lucky.

Remarks I hear from unassuming people who has no farking idea what I'm going through - sincere, honest remarks.

Michelle thinks her Divemaster isn't going to be that lucky man.

i saw my Divemaster part2!

2009-12-08T23:22:00.002+08:00

A few days ago, i saw my Divemaster's car. Today i saw him in flesh - all 1.8m of him, in my fav pink striped shirt with his Adidas black sneakers. He came down to my floor to pass me a hat.

"Hey... (chuck a hat to my hand)"

And he left.

2mins. No... 30sec. I see him in flesh, in person for 30sec. I've last seen him in flesh since that medical exam day. Today i saw my Divemaster again. Same after effects. Moody, irrational, hid in the toilet, shortness of breath, giddy. i couldn't fuckin get a hang of myself. i was slurring to my boss when he ask me about blanks layout.

called uncle, told him i saw Divemaster in flesh, and he replied, "so? woman! get a grip!"

Michelle is getting better. Or she hopes so. At least, when she hid in the toilet, she did not cry. Just immensely gazillion heartache.

Car Move

2009-12-04T23:21:00.000+08:00

i was crossing the road. i turned to the right, like what you always do when crossing a road - you turn to the right, left, then right again, guess what i saw? a silver Nissan Sentra zoomed pass. WPC 8308

omg. my Divemaster's car. i didn't catch his face. i only see a dark windscreen. his Ministry of Diving bumper sticker still stuck on the back. did he see me? could he be looking at me from the rear mirror?

my mood went downhill after that. moody, irrational and snappy. i sat in a dark corner and finished 2 packs of ciggs. now my throat is hurting. i am in a mess.

Michelle doesnt get it. why does she keep hurting herself? the mere puny sight of ANYTHING that links to the Divemaster throws her into rollercoaster hell. fuck it la. she give up on herself. she's gonna unload her exploding mails.

3month survival

2009-11-30T00:36:00.002+08:00

Emily gave me a fridge magnet. Something which I did not expect, realising that we've met only twice! For good or bad, her magnet drills truth into my stubborn head. On a oak squarish plague, in brown it reads,

there is TWO sides to every story, his side... AND THE TRUTH

I have no idea where that woman found it, but thank god she did for it sure rings a bitter fact.

To the strangers and bored people who spend time reading my blog, i have passed the 90day-no-calling-rule. Today marks 3months since he said, "my feelings for you has faded..."

I've survived the 90-day-no-calling rule. I did not initiate any contact - no calls, no sms, no FB message. Should I go whopee now??

funny as it may seem, stupid as it is, how impossible as it may be, michelle is still hoping her divemaster would come up to her and say, "bee? i'm sorry... i've been a jackass. will u forgive me?" fuck that crap. michelle is hopelesss!

everything a girl didn't know

2009-11-18T22:38:00.002+08:00

I know where my Divemaster is today. 4 months ago itself, I knew where he will be today. He is in Pulau Mabul, the beautiful island off Sabah.

When things were nice & dandy, he was supposed to be participating in Asean Diver's underwater photography competition. 6D/5N of fun, intensive, challenging activities. He was excited and looking forward to it. I could see it in his big brown eyes.

But things aren't so nice now. Things are dark & gloomy. No longer entering the competition, he is now frolicking under the stars with his new girl; the lawyer. Perhaps as I am writing this, he is romancing her with melodious words, gently caressed by the calming sea breeze and will probably end up fuckin her on that single mattress.

Here I am, sitting here 1000 miles away in front of my blog post. Swollen teary eyes - i hate my Divemaster for being so cruel. Hurt at the fact he is hugging another woman's in his arms. My dead heart is being sliced in every passing second. I miss my jackass Divemaster and wishes none of this happened. I wish I am the girl in Mabul frolicking under the stars.

In between her sobs & a blocked nose, Michelle is humming what's the use of crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile...

I just haven't met you yet

2009-11-14T22:41:00.006+08:00

i have been holding on to the "90-day no calling rule" pretty well. today marks my 75th day. guess, i've been pretty strong huh? u don't know how hard is it for me to carry through. i miss him so much. there has been so many times i just want to press the call button. call my Divemaster and tell him i miss him. so many freggin times. and each bloody time, i end up soaking my whole pillow for not having the guts to press. u don't know how difficult is it for me.

i feel all the emotions. i see all the signs. just like how i was when rodney left me. depressed. what made it even worse, when i heard the sad news. my best friend is going through a rough time. much more painful than mine. i could do nothing to help, but to remind her i'm always there for her. i love her down to the very single bit.

i draw negativity from what's happening around. somehow, i consciously allow it to pile into my depression. it's like i want to be depressed. i willingly choose to put myself in gloom.

Bo commented i look cute. Bo, that cute filipino hottie who looks slightly like j.timberlake. he said i'm this cute girl on the 15th flr with a husky voice. aaah, sure, feels good to be complimented. especially from someone as hot as Bo..... damn, i'm too messed up. i still feel like shit even if George Clooney says i'm cute.

fuckk. arun describes im in an emotional mess. damn he's bloody right. i am pathetic, miserable and depressed.

Michelle can't sleep...and she's depressed writing this..

Courtesy of Richard Wilkinson--

i'm gonna remember 10 Nov 09

2009-11-10T23:03:00.003+08:00

i received news today, someone dear to my best friend has passed away.

i had a crappy day at work. my mat salleh director ignored me. treated as if i was invisible. and to his cheek, without me, he won't get all those good words for our new product launches! bloody arrogant bastard.. i also had the longest, most intense, multiple back stabbing meeting ever.

this couple with that, just broke me down. i cried again. hunched on my bed, in my smelly office wear, i cried out loud as my heart ached in agony. my finger was on speed dial#2. i want to call Divemaster. i want to hear his voice. tell him, i miss you babyyyyyy. i miss you so much. what wrong have i done to make you stop loving me? what in me that drive you to find another woman? i miss you baby. i need you... i need you. can you come back? please...?

i never made that call. i called arun instead. cried to him over the phone, tell him how much i miss Divemaster. tell him how i hate myself when i have such a loving family & friends who care for me but yet i still succumb to the devil - lose my dignity, lose my faith, lose my energy.

Michelle hates herself twice as much - for falling in love with her Divemaster and for not getting back up when she fell

I got back my red pump shoes

2009-10-28T22:26:00.003+08:00

Divemaster ask me to pick up all my stuff from his place. He hates me so much he doesn't even want to see anything of mine. I asked a colleague to help me. I don't have the courage nor the strength to see him again. That same handsome face I fell in love has turned into a lying jackass. I don't dare to see anymore.

As I sit in my room, slowly unpacking my belongings he hastily chuck into this big red hideous bag, I felt a wave of sadness... my clothes still smell of his cupboard. As I quietly sniff the scent, I remember how he allocated a huge portion of his cupboard for my clothes. As I took out my cosmetics, I remember how he cleared up his bookshelf for me to dump my vanity products. As I unpacked my toiletries, I remember how he always arranged my shampoo in upright position next to his. I left much more than my clothes, cosmetics & toiletries at his place. I left memories of pure, innocent love which no amount of LV bags can be traded for.

I sat in my room staring at my stuff. Tears started to flow, slowly trickling onto my sweaty office shirt... and I couldn't stop crying.

Michelle reminds herself never to cry for the Divemaster anymore, but the Divemaster always seem to win.

Waking Up Everyday to Heartache

2009-10-24T15:44:00.005+08:00

its so hard to get through the days. i consciously remind myself my pain. images of Divemaster frolicking in the sun with his new lawyer GF hurts me like hell.

i am at the lowest point in life. i dont know what to do. i cant eat, cant sleep, cant work, cant fuckin do anything!

all i can do is stare out at the window

Michelle's heart hurts in continuous pain. Why did she fell so much in love with Divemaster? :-'(

Betrayal at its Best Form!

2009-10-21T17:31:00.003+08:00

the truth is finally revealed.

the secret is out.

my Divemaster dump me for another girl. and he was already WITH that girl even before dumping me.

all i know is the girl has short hair. he opened his mail, showed her picture to all the divers in Mabul and bragged about this is his new girl. and he put on a pitied face, telling them he is going to dump me.

u lied to me straight in my face. i asked u, if there is someone else. u raised ur voice, swear to God and said NO! u said your feelings has faded. u said this is the truth. when i insisited, u raised your voice even louder, and said, "u want me to lie to you and say i have another girl just so u feel better izzit!?"

so i believe what u said.

but u lied to me, Divemaster. u fucking lied to me in my face!

why must he do this? why must he hurt me so cruelly? if he doesnt like me, why court me in the first place? why lead me into love & hope, and move on to another woman? why? how can he do such a thing to me? why must he lie to me? why must he cheat on me?

words dont do justice to the pain i am feeling. i feel hurt & betrayed. my heart is broken, trampled again and again. bit by bit, i find out his nasty secrets he did.

am i not good enough? i dont make him happy enough?

i am crying in sorrow here, while he is having fancy dinners with his new girl. calling her at late at night, wishing her lovey good nights - which was exactly what he did for me few months back.

u're a player. and u are so good in ur tactics - u introduced me to your Mom, brought me into your circle of friends, spread the word in Marketing, spend time & effort grooming me into a diver, shower me with love & attention, took me for romantic holidays, make me laugh with ur silly antics... i didnt catch any flaws. i trusted u completely. i gave u my heart.

u did far too much to be a player. but u ARE a player. a real, damn, professional player.

my heart aches in so much agony. i dont know what to do anymore - i can't carry on living. the man of my life killed me, far worse than any psychopathic serial murderers.

what did Michelle do to deserve such inhumane treatment?

Lighting up the Festival

2009-10-17T23:26:00.004+08:00

Today is Deepavali. If things were right, I'd be in Penang meeting his dad, brother & sista. And I'd have the chance to taste his granny's much-talk-about thosai.

I don't care how many times Ben & Jan tell me that he doesn't deserve me, I still miss him dearly. Much more than his hugs, his kisses and his char siew fan lunches, I miss him voice. I can't remember what it's like to hear him call me beee.

Michelle still misses her Divemaster. And it pains her, that it reminded her so much of him when she met Ben tonight over a couple of o~kao.

i saw my Divemaster!

2009-10-14T19:35:00.002+08:00

i met my Divemaster. i saw my Divemaster. face-to-face for 3 secs. it's the first time i saw him ever since he said goodbye and walked away from me at the airport.

i took great pains to not create "opportunities" to bump into him at office. hence, i survived until today. i was gawd-damn sure Divemaster isn't in the office today. he is supposed to be out for training.

so i braved up and went up! to his floor. the MARKETING floor. i was confident - he's not around, i won't see him. i followedly went in to the room for my healthscreen test. bla bla bla.... the doc told me to exercise more...and he was checking my blood pressure...

SUDDENLY, Divemaster stuck his head in front of me and said, "hey michelle". his familiar Chanel scent wafted into my nose. i mumbled "hey" and quickly look away.

i was shocked. surprised. dumbfounded. then reality started to sink in. that familiar face brought back heaps of memories like tornado. within that 3 sec of his head stuck in front of me, i deduced an image:

wearing a green Black Menthol shirt
his usual Chanel scent
tall guy in Oakleys
still that same farking good-looking guy i fell in love with

hurry up. hurry up! take my damn blood pressure quickly! why so long.... my mind was in a whuzz. my heart was pounding fast. i quickly ran out of the room immediately after, without turning to look at him, without looking anywhere. my eyes was ONLY focused at the exit. fark, i didnt even finish my healthscreen test.

i ran into the toilet, hid myself and cried. i dont know why i did, but i cant stop.

Michelle saw her Divemaster again. But seeing him this time wont end in hugs & kisses.

My Kinda Tall Divemaster

2009-10-12T22:49:00.004+08:00

The Divemaster whom I fell head over heels over mind over body over soul over heart over work over diving. And the same blardy Divemaster who shattered my heart into a zillion nano particles.

My Divemaster, xoxo

Love Me For a Reason

2009-10-12T20:12:00.007+08:00

I was driving home tonight. The radio played this really old-school track - Love Me For a Reason

don't love me for fun, boy...
let me be the one, boy...
love me for a reason,
let the reason be love...

Michelle dedicates this verse to her Divemaster. She doesn't know what he loved her for, even though it was momentary. As Nabi said, all forms of joy is momentary; thus making joy itself so treasurable.

Failed Attempt to Get Up

2009-10-10T02:37:00.003+08:00

Cosmopolitan.au suggested to go party! as one of their tips to overcome a break up. Being a Cosmopolitan-ian, I suckered up at that idea.

Took up an aquantaince's invite and joined them partay, so to say. I walked into the club. Saw this tall, oh-so-handsomely-hot bouncer. Reminds me of Divemaster. Damn, not a good start. And then as the lousy music carried on, I saw more tall men. Reminded me of my Divemaster again. Every cute guy I see, there would be something in him I link to my Divemaster - his shirt, his hair, his eyes, his Oakleys, his Adidias sneakers...

Damn.

I was feeling miserable surrounded by ah beng's & ah lian's oh-so-in-love. One of the guys put his arms around my shoulders and guided me through the crowd. Reminded me of my Divemaster again, how he always protect me from cigarette ashes and empty glasses by sheilding me in his arms.

I was already downright moody. Even the chubby Malay bouncer tried to jiggle to make me laugh. Failed. One of the guys asked who is driving me home - I farking drive myself home, I said. I got a look of a gazillion sympathies.

Damn.

As I was driving home alone, I saw a silver Nissan Sentra beside. Every silver Sentra reminds me of my Divemaster.

Damn. That Cosmo tip did not work. Made me feel worst. I constantly think of him 28/7.

Michelle is trying to get some sleep. Hopefully she feels better tomorrow?
She reeks of beer & smoke. Sounds like Kermit the Frog, after 17 sticks of Fresh Mint.

The Passing of Michelle's Heart

2009-10-07T22:58:00.005+08:00

My heart is dead.

Repeated resuscitation failed.

I officially pronounce my heart dead. Time of death: 1103pm, 28/08/09

First Love reconnect

2009-10-05T22:55:00.004+08:00

On Oct1 09, I met back my first love.

The very same boy who took me on my first Vulcan Kawasaki ride. He avoided me like plague ever since breaking up - not answering my calls, not replying my mails, ignoring my smses - so I was surprised he said "dinner is a great plan" when I asked him out on FB. I don't know what came over me. I didn't know how I did it. I didn't know how I had the courage. It was just one day - another day of staring at WPC 8308 - I came home, feeling my usual shitty self, logged in to FB, click on his profile and sent message.

And Voila. There I was sipping lemongrass lychee waiting for my Vulcan boy. He appeared in grey shirt + black slacks, shook my hand and sat down. He shook my hand.

We started chatting uncomfortably. There were many long pauses. Uhmms & errrs. I tried to disguise my uneasiness by diverting sight to my Black Menthol.

*ruffle ruffle...scramble...twist, click

Began touching on work, his mom, Dianne, Joseph, his bike, then my family, my job, then it got more relaxed as we touched hobbies. And when he asked me about diving, I was full-fledged in animation about my passion! The fishes, the bubbles I hear, the sun tanning effects, the painful urchins, the peeing in my wetsuit, have I mentioned sun tan already? He was equally passionate about his hobbies - golf, white water rafting, drinking(!), hiking ...

As we talked, I can't help notice, he is still very much the same boy I fell in love with. The way he moves his hands, the way his eyes blink, the way he sits, the way he messes his hair... it reminded me of how close we were for me to notice all these. Man, I wake up every day curled on his abs for 5 years. We weren't just close, we were ONE!

Strangely, I am no longer sad. I no longer yearn for his hugs nor do I have urges to hold his hand. He was just this boy, sitting across me, this boy whom I loved, this boy who I still care, this boy whom I would willingly offer help no questions ask, this boy who I wish him all things nice.

All those depressive posts about him ignoring me, him not wanting to talk to me - its all just me being myself in my depressive nature? I have begun to let go of Rod? I have moved on?

Which I guess also means, the Divemaster is far too strong. Even my rock-solid love for Rod quaver for DM. Why am I so hung up on this DM anyway?

Damn, I miss you. Everyday I hope I wont bump into you cause I wont know how to react. But yet, like a stupid woman, everyday my eyes scan the usual places you hang out, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. I am indeed a farking loser.

Michelle thinks love is unexplainable. Un-quantifiable. Un-calculated. When the heart is loved, it stays loved. No matter how hard she tries to undo it. Does she need to go through what Rod did to let go of her Divemaster?

Divemaster is still much Alive

2009-10-02T23:13:00.003+08:00

It was a horrible week for me. Many things happened, many things I saw, which one thing lead to another reminded me of many of my Divemaster's moments:

for the 1st time, i felt what's a tremor like. Padang's 7.9 magnitude earthquake shook my 23-storey office. I did what the rest did - shut down laptop, pack up and took the lift down (not according to emergency evacuation rules that is!) as i was exitting, i only had Divemaster in my mind. He's upstairs... i wonder if he has left. Is he all right? Does he know we need to evacuate? Is he OK? So many questions zooming past. I was THIS close to calling him to ask. I DIDNT. And so did he. He didn't call/sms me to check if I was all right. Another big chunk blunt bamboo pierced through my heart. The fact that my not-close female colleague could called, another colleague could called all the way from Indon, and he didn't! just abso-fucking-lutely tore my heart again. Heartbroken. He don't bloody care no more. He don't bloody care about me anymore, you hear me??
i saw his car WPC 8308 three times this week. And for 3 times i stood there staring at his car doing nothing.
Ben send me a FB message. " Hey babe, how are you? Must be busy with work. Just a casual note to check on my students :) " I replied by asking him if Divemaster has another woman, and is that why?! he dumped me. Ben didnt reply. Shit. Made bloody wrong move. He must have shown DM that message..
i had a horrible dream last nite. i met Mok and he told me he saw Divemaster at the club with a girl name Serena. Serena... how on earth did that name appear? I don't know anyone by that name! Could it really be, that God is telling me that old, hag bitch is Serena? He dumped me because of Serena? Aaargh, another pierced through my heart.

I re-read & re-read his sms:
Hi babyyyyyyy! Surprise 2c ur sms. Hi princess! Miss u!!! Just got back. Washed all diving stuff, took a shower n sent kenny a courtesy email. Hehe! Good 2 know that u wont go Phil. Not worth it baby. I'll make things great 4u here. As long as we're together, I promise you happiness baby. Forever i loveeeeeeee u! :)

Because of his promise, because he said as long as we're together, because he will make things great for me...... I forgo an opportunity.

He lied. He broke his promise.

Michelle would like to tell Divemaster, please don't promise blindly. You cried when she told you about the offer. She can tell those were real tears. You said every girl you loved left you someway, somehow to pursue greater things. And that broke your heart. You ask her not to leave you because you love her with all your heart.
She loves you too, trusted you. Thats why she didnt leave.

Now you left me. You tell me, "my feelings for you has faded" and left me. How do you expect me to stop crying??? I hate you because you broke my heart. But I love you much deeper. You meant the world to me. Do you know that?

That stupid status update

2009-09-27T19:18:00.003+08:00

My Sunday started out well....

I had a good workout, cleaning the house. Then I met up some gal friends over at Delicious. Gossipin & bitchin about how cruel man can be. Then, I did the unthinkable. I log in to Facebook.

Divemaster updated his status, professes to the world he is having a splendid weekend!!

And now I'm back to my depressive, miserable state. He usually updates his status that he had an awesome weekend after spending it with me. I read, I know why and I feel proud. Proud that I made his weekend worthwhile. Even prouder that he spends it with me.
And yet, now... without ME! he's still having a splendid weekend. With who??

Michelle tells herself for the umpteenth time not to think about him. But yet... in the deepest corner of her heart, she still thinks of him, misses him - so terribly much. Today, she's thinking who the fucking bitch is giving HER Divemaster a splendid weekend. "I hope she is constipated everyday and she has to fart every 2mins. You like that, Divemaster? Bloody heartless bastard!"

My Divemaster's imprints

2009-09-27T00:25:00.006+08:00

My Divemaster left many imprints when he left. Both physically & personally.

I love house music - I didn't know how to appreciate house back then, it all sounded the same! A couple of drum beats on repeat and they call this music? My Divemaster led me into a whole new world of trance jamming, to the likes of Armin Van Buuren & his huge collection of Jay-Kay CDs. I am now shaking & grooving to Turn It Up, Capital FM. Occasionally drifting back to our vodka-crazy nights at Phuture.
I love Havaianas! - My Divemaster showed me my first pair of Top Metallic green because I complained my high heels was killing me. It was love at first sight ever since. When I'm in SG, you'll definitely find me at Heeren. Or Ion (gfs tell me, they opened up a bigger store in Ion)
I love Toki Doki Lesportsac - I casually mentioned that I love Toki Doki, my Divemaster patiently e-Bay(ed) every night collecting the limited editions for me. Now, as I look at my Toki Dokis sitting in my cupboard, I sigh in sadness...
I love diving - if you didnt already know. He groomed me into a fanatic diver. I eat, live, breathe scuba.
I love indomee goreng + egg - My Divemaster cooks the BEST indomee in the whole wide world.

Michelle asks, do you know how hard is it for her to get through day by day, when everything she loves, everything she has passion for, reminds her of Divemaster?

30 ways to get over it!

2009-09-25T23:54:00.005+08:00

Jo shared her cosmopolitan.au with me and I've fallen in love ever since. And this awesome article I read today, '30 ways to get over your breakup', has got me upbeat, lively and givin' no shit on what the Divemaster is doing.

I'm excited to share my top 5 favs which I am diligently practising or attempting to practise.

drink vodka. much vodka
change your mobile wallpaper. delete that pic of you & him on your last holiday and replace it with george clooney's mug
meet up with long-lost mates ASAP
buy the brightest frock, shoes or bag you can find
plan a shamelessly girly party with pink martinis, pink champagne, cupcakes & cheese

Michelle wants all the ladies to read http://www.cosmopolitan.com.au/30waystogetoverit.htm

Post-Raya blues

2009-09-22T21:23:00.002+08:00

It has been 25days. Does anyone realize time passes reeeeeally slow around here? 25days separated from the Divemaster. He's diving in Komodo right now, and he used to tell me he'll be away from me for 8days, thats an awfully long time to be separated from his princess!

Aaaargh. No point reminiscing. He don't bloody care about me anymore.

These past few days, I've been told countless stories of heartbreak. A colleague with 2 young kids was abandoned by her hubby. A friend who dated this guy for 8yrs and was dumped because of an affair. Worst she was already 32. Another friend was pushed aside because the man found a younger girl.
These women have gone through far worst than I. I don't have kids, I'm still young, yes, freaking young... what am I bitchin about?

Michelle is bitchin about how the Divemaster promised he will never leave me no matter what. And yet, he left...

I see, I remember, I shed tears

2009-09-17T23:39:00.003+08:00

I was pulling out from the car park today, I saw a familiar number. A few cars ahead, WPC 8308.

I sat in my car staring. And I continue doing nothing, but staring. For a good 30mins. Just staring...

(at the back of my head, images start to flood... the first time i stepped into that car. ocean breeze ambi pur. he took me to vishal. introduced me to vishal's wicked mutton balls. and i could remember. he used his hand, tore of the tender meat and placed it on my plate. "you don't mind rite? i'm giving u the best part" i could remember clearly word for word. on our way back, i noticed Good Evening Bangkok pillows on the passenger seat. a red & black devil soft toy nestled in between. 2 Marlboro DYO 20s sitting in the compartment slots. MOOKS sticker in front. MINISTRY OF DIVING sticker at the back ... michelle, enough!)

fuck it. I jammed the accelerator and left.

Letter #2

2009-09-14T23:32:00.002+08:00

Dear Divemaster,

It now has been 17days. 17days of not hearing from you. I'm wondering how you are? I still miss you terribly. Every single fucken morning, I wake up with your image in my head. I try. I try very hard to shake you away, but you are always adamant to stay. And everytime, I see the same visual - the image of you lying on your bed in that cute santa claus boxers, beady-eyes, watching the repeat of Bruce Almighty for the 53rd time.

shit! shit! shit!!! WHY CANT I JUS FUCKIN GET YOU OUT OF MY MIND?

I'm trying so hard. So damn bloody hard. I tried hunger. Cigarettes. More hunger. More cigarettes. Coffee. Plenty plenty of coffee. Not sleeping. Cut my hair. Colored it till its shit brown. No...no... nothing seems to work.

I still see you every morning. I still stupidly hope with every call/sms, it's from you. I still wish none of this would happened. I lied to everyone. Everyone thinks I should be okay by now. I lied. I'm a bloody loser.

I hope you're happy with whoever low life cheap whore you have chosen to pursue. I saw her picture. No doubt she is prettier than me, but she is old. Fucking old. Everything is sagging! Why are you so shallow? No... no... no.... I hope I'm just assuming. You stopped loving me. Period. And not because of some stupid cheap whore? Right, Divemaster?

Day13: I'm a wreck!

2009-09-09T16:27:00.002+08:00

Everywhere I go, I see, I hear, everyone is talking about 09.09.09

And today, on 09.09.09, Mr. Divemaster has updated his FB since our separation.
"........................ misses Guinness, Hoegardden and Diving :) "

Stupid huh? He misses beer(!) more than me he miss me. C'mon, michelle. He just said, he has lost his feelings for u. Obviously he doesn't WANT to see u, what more miss u??!! Fuck. I'm not myself. Everyday, when I go home, I'll always run up into my room - lock myself and cry for a good hour. When the eyes are swollen, when the tears ducts are dry, when I'm gasping for air - I'll eventually stop. Then I'll take a shower, go to bed and cry again.

It's degrading. Depreciating. Even I lose respect for myself. Crying and crying, thinking the world has lost its charm, the sun seems a little dimmer, days look gloomy, dark clouds are closing in...

At the same time, what is my man doing? Having his routine flirts with our brand ambassadors missing beer!

Michelle is weak at her heart, mind & body. She can't get a grip of herself... Can anyone please tell her what can she do to be her normal self again, immediately?

Dimanche ... (Sunday night)

2009-09-06T23:42:00.004+08:00

It's a Sunday night.

On usual Sunday nights, we would be cooking instant noodles in your kitchen. No, actually u would be cooking - stir-frying sausages, boiling carrots, simmering noodles - while i do the washing. U always say my noodles don't turn out nice.

Then, with each of us holding our bowls filled to the brim, we would scurry into your room and turn on channel 411. Prime time HBO.

But tonight, a Sunday night, u're not here. U will never be here anymore.

Michelle clutches her precious Thomas Sabo charm reminiscing Sunday nights. Her divemaster's first gift.

Letter #1

2009-09-04T22:45:00.003+08:00

Dear Divemaster,

It has been 4days since u left. 4 days without your calls and sms. 4 days of tears clutching your picture. 4 days of heartbreak reading your sms over and over again. U said let's move on and make the best for both of us. Let's move on... let's move on... why is it so easy for u to say let's move on?

I can't move on.

I miss you insanely. I will starve for weeks just to hear your voice again, to hear you call me and say hi bee... I will clean the public toilet just to have u hold me in your arms again. I will practically do anything just to have u look at me and say Sayang.

People tell me time heals. But these 4 days seem like 400 years. Every second passes so damn slow. But when we're together - cooking korean noodles in the kitchen, every second passes like lightning.

I figured u must be in Indonesia right now. Photographing mandarin fishes. I remember u telling me - when you still cared about me - that there wouldn't be any reception. But u will still try your best to call me. Guess, u don't have to now, huh?

I miss you Divemaster. So much. Why did u change your heart?

The Divemaster broke my heart

2009-09-01T12:37:00.004+08:00

He finally said it.

" My feelings for you has faded. Let's move on. Life goes on "

There must be another bitch. Which man will tell you there is a 3rd party? None I tell you. None of these coward men will have the fucking guts to tell you there is another woman. They just say, oh, i don't love you anymore...

Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why I can't be happy? I just want to be happy. Nothing more. No big houses, no branded bags, no expensive jewellery. I found my Divemaster and I'm happy. Thats all. But why can't he stay?

The Divemaster left Michelle heartbroken. She can't help herself anymore. She's spiralling down into depression. AGAIN. Why is everything against her to be happy?

Dad the innocent victim

2009-08-25T23:03:00.003+08:00

It's just another ordinary Tuesday night. As I sit in my room.

I'm listening to Bitter Heart on repeat, fully wide-awake.

I'm beginning to feel myself slipping into that same realm of darkness 2 years back. C'mon...
who are you kidding? The divemaster is just messing around. Stop lying to yourself with positive words. Encouraging words, my arse! how long do you want be in denial??

I'm moody and cranky. I snapped at Dad for no reason. My retired, caring father who still loves me like that toothless 7yr old girl. But he never shows it. Yet I know. I guess he will be the only man who will ever love me like his only princess.

But I snapped at him. I vent my anger & frustration at an old man because some stupid, idiotic guy hurt my feelings.

i'm sorry. i didn't mean to...

i'm just... i'm just unhappy. depressed. i don't want to go through it all over again.

do you know what it feels like to be really sad? fucker, you don't know. it's not like watching that sissy Titanic. you will never, ever know what fucking things runs through my head. i know what you're thinking. just another stupid naiive girl who can't get hold of her emotions.

dammit, you're wrong! do u know what it feels like to be really sad?

8:06

2009-08-25T00:15:00.004+08:00

It's just another ordinary Monday night. As I sit in my room.

A moment ago, I heard the divemaster's voice for 8:06 - after what seem like an eternity of disappearance. Maybe that's why I can't sleep now. At 1248am, I'm listening to Bitter Heart on repeat, fully wide-awake without any nescafe tarik-influence.

He tells me he will be travelling for the next couple of weeks. To dive in faraway islands where there is no cellular reception - where inhabitants dressed in leaves still communicate using pigeons. To traverse the entire country partying cum promoting our new launch. He tells me to hang in there...

*sighhh

I am lying if I say I don't miss him. Who now is going to scream at me, " DO NOT descend with ur arse first!!! How many blardy times you want me to tell you? *grumble grumble....stupid woman...* " Maybe I should get a dog. I can't - Mom hates pets. Maybe I should get a tamagotchi. I can't - Sipadan used up my entire Aug pay. Maybe I should get a boy toy, toy boy. Do you think chai is interested?

Tonight I'll sleep better. Hopefully - i got 8:06, bloody hell, that's better than a lousy sms!

Michelle only wishes that the Divemaster remembers to call when he's away

LoVe thyself

2009-08-23T00:06:00.005+08:00

" when you start to appreciate yourself, when you're able to follow your star, then only will your defenses & fear fall.
by then only you're ready for a man "

Over 21, TheStar, 23 Aug 09

I love myself because I gave myself a full length pedi+mani today. I love myself because I spent an hour lifting weights + skipping rope. I love myself because I pampered myself a warm, fluffy char siew pau. I love myself because I oogled at Ashley Cole's shirtless picture till my saliva formed tasik kenyir.

The divemaster ran away to a faraway island and he doesnt call? Don't matter anymore.

Someone posted a picture of Rod today putting at the driving range. He still looks damn good.

THE CARE STOPS

2009-08-16T23:16:00.005+08:00

A stewardess told me, " don't invest anything on a boy. don't put time, don't put hope, don't put feelings. cause the more you invest, the more disappointed you'll be "
that simple yet profound comment opened up my eyes. my heart & my brain. why waste time when the boy clearly hasn't invested anything in you? why waste energy when the boy obviously isn't bothered?

let's keep it at just-friends. friends for benefit. or fuck buddy (if you're wasted enough!) good. let's keep it that way.

women shouldn't give a shit on where he's at, who's he with, when is he coming home, why is he not calling or how many packets have gone missing. because friends won't do all that. friends only care if you're gonna belanja makan or tumpang them. beyond that, the care STOPS.

Girlfriends, take heed. Our hearts deserve much more than heartache & disappointment. Fuck it. Enough is enough.

Michelle is plain tired from it all. She does n0t care whose fucking penang-plate myvi Divemaster is driving

Evolution of M

2009-07-27T21:49:00.006+08:00

The bloody 'mou han' ended up in a bloody 'M' . Some finger-pointing, shouting, screaming, hair-tearing & a shed of tear knocked some sense into me to settle for just a 'M' .

Few days later I begin to realize. M is good. M won't invoke questions that will leave me go errr....ummm... M is universal. M is simple but catchy. M won't deter that cute photographer from asking me out for dinners >:)

Michelle is already planning an inscription:
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, eventhough its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky,
You'll get by ...
on the back of her neck

Played Out

2009-07-04T23:04:00.002+08:00

i am always played. people out there just want to hurt my feelings. why? is this some bad karma from my past life? or those suckers out there just get a freggin kick seeing me hurt with tears rolling down? when i'm hurt, memories of 8th May start flooding back. i sit at the corner of my bed reminiscing that phone call he made. he told me, "i feel i can live alone now. i don't need anyone..."
i said goodbye and ended the call. i sat there with my head slumped to the wall, tears rolling down non-stop for many months. Various images flashed through my head; i felt like running away, i felt like slitting my wrist, i felt like drinking detergent, i felt like calling him back, i felt like going back in time wishing that call was never made. i remembered at that same moment, one of my primary mates called. bad timing. i wailed, yelled and scared the shit out of him. he could only console me by saying, "there're plenty of bastards out there. this bastard is not worthy"

why are there so many bastards in my life? jeez!
stupid Muthar Farker just have to shout, twist and twirl the story to make me look i am in the wrong. WTF?

and still i allow myself to be fooled by sweet charming words. i swallow my pride. i cry, wail for 10 mins. i wipe my tears, pretend nothing happen. i put on my cheerful smile and hope yet again a fairytale life awaits me.

isn't that what all girls dream of?

Michelle hates that bastard and loves that bastard at the same time

Thanks for ruining dinner, you arsehole !

2009-07-04T20:49:00.004+08:00

Why do you have to raise your voice at me? You think u're so high up and mighty? Dad has stopped doing that since I was 12. What gives you the fucking right to do so? Would you even dare to raise your voice at Gerri?! I bet my head you wont! And the each time you deny, "I where got raise my voice at you? why are you so sensitive? i am 200% sure i DID NOT raise my voice"

ok fine fine. i have super hearing then! everything you say is amplified by 1000 decibels!

What did I do to deserve this? Fuck you .

Michelle is pointing her middle finger !

Good evening Sir, you wanto buy?

2009-07-02T23:11:00.003+08:00

I had an interesting conversation over lunch today. About how guys are suckers for tall, skinny, fair-skinned, long hair girls. Working in an industry that employs hundreds of girls to promote our sales, boys in the promotions-department are having a ball! One of them even gloat, oh i fark her, and her, and that one, and this one. oooh... the last one's wild. then there's left that one, and that one, and that one, and the entire saturday shift.

Eww. Have you spoken to any of the girls lately?

So how long have you been in this line?
Umm... i works for 3 months already. Meets many of customers. hehe. I sell very good.
Okay. why do you think you deserve this job?
Umm... i don't know. heheh. i can talk bahasa. my bahasa not bad.
...

Doesn't that just turn you off already? But no. Constructing proper sentences isn't in the list-of-must-haves. Boys' (no surprise) list-of-must-haves only contain:

long legs
hole
*fake eyelashes optional

Michelle says, be it any hole, men is a happy man.

Urgent Disclaimer

2009-07-01T00:19:00.002+08:00

i found out something surprising. someone reads this shit as well. for i thought it was just me and occasionally Aud, after she could no longer stand my annoying reminders: 'Go Read my Post!'
Now that i found you out, Yes YOU, theres a certain disclaimer i want you to be aware of.

*the posts here are by no means any indications, reflections, projections of who i am in flesh. as a matter of fact, i'm quite the opposite. this is my alter-ego. i pretend to be someone not me, someone not bounded by traditional values, someone not restricted by society's perception, someone who give no farks about what my cousin's brother's auntie's sister-in-law's auntie think of my body art. i derive pleasure from escaping conformity.

in flesh, i am sweet and politely-mannered like how all mommies want their daughters to be.

Michelle is in the opinion that the uninformed should not read further. it will give you nightmares...

Somebody call 911

2009-06-08T01:07:00.003+08:00

i don't know what's wrong with me. lately i've been feeling very frustrated. like all this pent-up restlessness and stress trapped in a balloon underwater, ready to blow up (funny it seem, i got that analogy from my PADI manual). i tried many ways to take my mind off it:

go watch a angels & demons
OD on killkenny
finish all levels in Supermarket Mania
started Cake Mania
puffed enough boxes of Avolution to lost count how many i smoke
shower my love & attention to a smelly schnauzer
sleep 13hours straight
waste $$ at borneo ink
watched nip/tuck at a lesbians club
.............

i'm still looking for something that works. damn.

not helping, the Divemaster together with his bunch of snobbish Advanced OWD keep criticizing my dive inadequacy and now he disses my fashion sense too? wtf?

Mou Han

2009-06-04T22:51:00.004+08:00

Self-inflict pain with the above. Need. to. distract. myself. away from the boredom at work & routine of life. ETA 27 June 09

it's gonna be bloody...

Boyfriend Application Form

2009-05-25T23:55:00.010+08:00

PERSONAL INFORMATION:

Name:
Age:
Location:
Height:
Hairstyle:
Eyes:
Piercings/tattoos:

What Would You do if...

I pissed you off:
I touched your ass:
I dropped your Nikon D80:
I got in a fight and you were there:
I cried:

What Do You Think Of My...

Clothes:
Voice:
Humor:
Choice of music:
Manners:

OTHER:

Do you like the beach? if so, why
Would you watch the movie that i picked even if you didnt want to?
If we're not watching movie, what would we be doing?
Would you give me kisses just because?
How would you rate your hugs from 1-10?

Would You...

Lie to make me feel better:
Talk to your friends about me:
Make a snack for me at 2 am:
Keep a secret if I told you one:
Love me unconditionally:

Position will be more favorable to Daniel Henney, Donnie Yen, Josh Hartnett or McSteamy. Only shortlisted candidates will be notified-
Reproduced from missy denise, D to da T

Best Things in Life

2009-05-18T23:00:00.004+08:00

Some kid named Hilary won an essay competition for penning an article on the matter above. I wonder what would a 17-yr old kid regard as what's best? Not that a 20-something girl would know what is best either...
I tell myself the best things are the ones that make you happy on the inside. No money spent, no effort made:

waking up in DM's arms and then kick him for snoring
finding a pack of Thai fried rice on the table after a horrible long night or should i say wee morning at work
bro helping me to do the dishes
when some Marketing big-shot actually say 'thank u' for the nights I spent designing that damn box
a big bowl of ais kacang with unlimited peanuts! (okay, some money needed here...

*due credit given to ipohwav3 for image

Michelle is sleepy from a dark, gloomy Monday--

the problem with EX-es

2009-04-08T17:51:00.003+08:00

I don't get this. Why do all my ex-bfs stay in touch with their other ex-gfs and my this one particular ex-bf avoids me like plague? There are numerous occasions where i go; "ah, whose that?" "Oh, my ex gf. We're still friends" "(what the hell........ :-S)"

ok. fine. whatever. ex gf. at least now, I AM with the guy right?

Which brings me a thought to ponder. Why doesnt Rod want to keep in touch with me?

send an email - no reply
send sms - no reply
send merry Xmas - got a standard christmas gretting text reply
send happy birthday - no reply

Shouldn't it be we female species are the type who 'hold grunges forever' kind? We species are the type who 'you never existed in my life' kind? We species are the type who 'don't ever come find me again' kind?

***********************************************************

i was in love once. A boy who rides a vulcan kawasaki. That mean machine we usually cruise on the highway at 220km/h. What a thrill it was. Seeing all the kapchais & wiras lagging sorely behind. And he use to buy me rotiboy whenever i was on one of my 'merajuk' mood swings.

i guess it doesn't matter.

The void in me will always be there. Would it be better if we were still friends? I don't know.

i have been afraid all this while. Yet i hope someday i will be able to fall in love again. A forwarded mail once said; it takes only a second to fall in love. yeah, how hard can that be?

For the record, Michelle hasn't eaten rotiboy since 2006. She's thinks she's going to bug her hottie divemaster.

somethings are meant not to be seen

2008-10-25T18:24:00.004+08:00

Someone saw you with another woman. Skinny, tanned, long hair, petite one. I didn't want to believe. No, never would I believe.
Until, I saw. With my eyes I saw you with her. Laughing gayly without a worry in the world.

I knew this was coming. Sooner or later. To hold another woman in your arms. To have another woman breathe into your ears. To cuddle another woman in your embrace.

Why did we end up like this? Why did we changed?

I am blank.

I don't believe.

The Smiling Man from the Lift

2008-09-02T23:06:00.002+08:00

He was very quiet when he came. Who could blame him anyway? All the way from Argentina he came, to a land he knows no one. We seldom talked, partly I was arrogant and he... he was just shy. All I did was smile. And he smiled back.

I met him at the lift once by surprise. It was already 7.40pm.

"Why so late?" I asked.
"Its normal" he said flashing a big smile.

That smile. That cute, boyish smile that touched my heart.
We continued talking even for that mere 3 minutes before reaching the Basement. He told me about where he's living, his wife, his kids....

Two weeks later, I hear tragic news.

*********************************************************

I regret I never smiled more.
I regret I never stopped to say Good Morning when I come to work.
I regret I never said How are you doing when I bumped into him at the pantry.
I regret I never talked to him longer in the lift.

Today, when I walk past his empty cubicle, tears start to well up...

-Michelle reminds herself to stop and tell the people around her; she loves them -

I came, I saw and I hunted

2008-05-18T16:51:00.007+08:00

My first ever treasure hunt - Philip Morris Return to Treasure Island, 2008 at Tioman Island.

Even though we didn't win, (should have expected it when we were up against veteran treasure-hunters!), we did have plenty of wholesome fun! Tired, bruised, hungry - we did make it to the checkpoint in Tg. Gemuk on time. (We were among the last five to arrive, actually. (lol!))

Gotta give my thumbs up to the PMM comittee for organizing such a fab event, especially the after hunt event- dinner cum party at the Berjaya Tioman's own Bali Hai Restaurant. To actually see my serious, no-frills colleagues, letting their hair down dancing the night away with free flow of booze was indeed a welcoming sight. (These people can actually partay)
And you know what the best part was? Moi won a Ducati cap in a "who has the longest cucumber" game! Aye!
(Me and Woman was pulled on stage unexpectedly by Trutz... "Ladies, come on, be a sport. Join me..." Can you say no to the marketing MD?)

-Michelle is proud of her sexy tan after lazing on the beach for the whole of Saturday-

7th May '08

2008-05-07T17:54:00.002+08:00

I see the beginning signs of flu.
My handphone is awfully quiet.
I have a terrible headache.
I'm going treasure-hunting on Friday.

-Gawd damn. Michelle feels miserable-

Building Bridges

2008-05-06T13:33:00.001+08:00

-Michelle reminisces about little Sofia-

Rage is never a Reason

2008-04-08T18:48:00.002+08:00

out of control
a servant
a puppy dog
no education

What will you get if you combined all the above?
Have you ever stop and think what impact will it bring; even it’s just mere words? To shout, scream and point accusingly like a crazy man; have you no respect for her?

To call her someone with no education – when she graduated with 2nd upper Hons. degree.
Think of that someone on the streets loafing, high on drugs, whoring – that at least you have a chance to call no education!
To call her a servant and puppy dog – when all she did was on her own free-will
To say she is out of control – when all she did was doing something she is HAPPY doing
To be afraid of what the relatives say – when the relatives did not even contribute to her growing up. And her own cousin dropped out of Uni because she was pregnant! And you’re afraid of relatives’talk?
To ask her what is the meaning of DIGNITY – when she has a band 4 in MUET and has always aced A1 in English?
To say she has abandoned you – when girls of her age are either married or pregnant
To say she has no respect – when she has never once raise her voice nor be rude nor be sarcastic and has obediently paid her expenses?

Life is too short to think about what people would say. Just as long as you’re happy and you’re not breaking the law, don’t stop doing what you like doing – this is what she believes. Stop and look at the bigger picture – realize what she has grown up to be. Realize what she has achieved, what she has learnt.

To accuse her, to blame her, to raise your voice at her – that is just too much for her to swallow. You've gone too far.

Celebrity Sightings

2008-04-06T19:11:00.005+08:00

I am often starstrucked by the slightest appearance of celebrities - yes, even local celebrities. They have a term for people like me; ja kun ;)

By far, those sighted include:

David Beckham at Stadium ..... (damn, I can't remember!) for some Castrol event
Soong Ai Ling at Nirvanas, Bangsar

Asha Gill at Bangsar post office

Nur Fazura at The Street, Curve

Sazzy Falak at MidValley

Pietro at Curve

Denise Keller at Sg Wang plaza

And just yesterday, my latest sighting - Amy Mastura at Nirvanas, Bangsar. I was sitting at the same table with her, her hubby, 2 kids and a maid having banana leaf rice together. Ashamed to say, I went "OMG, OMG, OMG, I'm having banana leaf with Amy!" under my breath.

-Michelle agrees that Amy looks as sweet as peach even in-real-life-

Amazing KL

2008-04-06T18:22:00.003+08:00

You don't have to go far to get magnificent views. A scene taken from KLCC on 1st April during the horrible rainstorm that struck.

-Michelle was stuck in a 2hr jam to get back home from Pusat Bandar Damansara-

BIG-hearted people

2008-04-01T18:43:00.003+08:00

“Recently, the group organised its 102nd fundraiser at Guinness Anchor Breweries, which was attended by about 250 people who donated generously to 15-year-old Premeena Balakrishnan who lost her kidneys three years ago.
A sum of RM12,000 was raised for Premeena on that evening amid music and a buffet dinner.” (1 April 2008, NST)

Drink booze all you want and get to help a kid. Cool?
(The kind folks at the recent fund raising event)

-Michelle is proud of her bulat-

Little Sofia

2008-03-29T13:33:00.007+08:00

I am not your average, run-of-the-mill woman that you'd see at Carrefour. Women of that kind have a same common purpose - to breed and continue the bloodline. To unleash their motherly instincts that has long been sown in them.
I dislike kids. I can't bring myself to do baby talk when I see small kids. I can't go, "Oh, so nice. Cleeever boy" when all that brat did was scribbled a wiggle. I don't understand the joy of having a kid who is loud, obnoxious, naughty and talks back. I still don't.

Not till last Thursday. I joined some kind strangers from PMI to visit an orphanage in Chow Kit road; Rumah Nur Salam. This home is partly sponsored by PMI and it shelters abandoned kids of sex-workers (Chow Kit road? how appropriate).
The moment I got there, I was greeted by young boys and girls, rushing to give me salam. I was surprised by their lack of shyness knowing that they are seeing me for the first time. There they come, queuing, touching my hand gently against their forehead. (My first aaw-moment)
Everyone there was very obedient and well mannered unlike those rascals you see at Mid Valley. Spoiled by their ignorant rich parents I'd say. Kid from this home has no parents and some not even schooled. And yet, they know their Ps & Qs.
Then there was little Sofia. I don't know why, but this little girl was fondly attached to me. I didn't do anything but yet she just came to me. She came, held on to my hand and pulled me wherever she went.
"Kakak, nak main" (pointing to the snakes + ladders)
"Kak, makan sama-sama"
"Saya dah abis lukis, kakak"
(My second aaw-moment) We had so much fun together that , shit, I was actually going to cry when it was time for me to go.

Sofia might have forgotten about me by now. And she may never know that I wrote this for her; but Sofia, I wish you happiness and joy always. She is still too young to understand the hardships she is going to face but I wish you strength, Sofia.
Till I see you again in 3 months time.

No child deserves to be abandoned. Every child deserves to be brought up with love, care and attention. Do the right thing - use a condom.

-Michelle still prefers having a German Shepherd to keep her company. At least, she won't talk back-

The perils of an Equipment Engineer

2008-01-20T12:18:00.000+08:00

Dear Sender,

Currently I am being fucked by all my supervisors for the crash of a test platform that I have not even been handling ever. I will be out of office and will be entrapped between piles of testers in the production floor enduring my constants phones calls from Darth Vader and Darth Maul.

I will attend to your mails once the sore surrounding my arse reduces and I am able sit back down on my office chair.

Thank you and sorry for the inconvenience.

(If you reach up to this stage in your auto reply mails, you'll know you're going up)

(Next PMT is waiting for you, baby)

All I did for Christmas...

2007-12-25T10:34:00.000+08:00

Facebook-ing

Red, Yellow, Green

2007-11-30T10:05:00.000+08:00

Never under-estimate the power of traffic lights. A mere pole with 3 colored bulbs can cause life-changing events.
A 30min journey home last night took me a whopping 2 ½ hours. Why? Faulty traffic lights. As my car inched its way, bit by bit, till 50m away the traffic light, it suddenly came to a standstill. All of us were sitting in our motionless cars breathing in carbon-monoxide for a good ol 20mins. Alamak… what’s wrong laa? Just let me go a bit more…

Turned out it was jam-locked at the intersection. Cars were turning right, cars were turning left, cars were going straight – nobody wants to give way. They seem oblivious to the huge jam they’re causing, sitting in their cars pretending nothing’s wrong. You don’t want to give way ah? Don’t give lo.. I also don’t want to give. We sit here and wait till who gives lo.
The traffic lights then came back up. Still nobody gave in.

A man, a few cars ahead of me, got down. Clearly pissed off, he went to the intersection, said something to those selfish arseholes and restored traffic. Cars were moving and I’m one-step closer to home.
Hallelujah!

In this time of age, common sense is no longer common anymore. The man had enough sense (common, of course) in him, to put things right, what we already know is right. Hey, I’d do the same too. But me, driving alone, handbag on the passenger seat, purse containing $20… what if in the midst of me being heroine, some motorcyclist swerve in grab my handbag, or worst drive my car away? Gender-prejudiced I am, but let the men handle this.

To the man in the Mercedes, WMS 5665, you have my sincerest utmost respect.

When I grow up...

2007-11-19T21:32:00.000+08:00

Su was asking me, if I had a choice, what would I choose to become?
When I was a little girl, I remembered I had many ambitions -mostly influenced from TV- some intelligent, extravagant and some downright silly . (To quote my Stranger, women are fickle-minded)

Scientist – I like catching bugs and can admire their itsy-bitsy bodies for hours
Dancer – Leslie’s backup dancers look so darn good on stage
Teacher – so that I can understand the euphoric sensation; the each time my English teacher whacks me with a double-bounded-wood ruler ( Being me, I can still remember her name, Puan Usha Rani. And now fate has it, that she’s teaching in the same school as Mom! I can seek revenge! Muahahahaha... Nooo... my stranger tells me I should forgive, Be the Greater Person. Okaay…let’s try with her…)
Nurse – the doctors on TV always look so handsome

Couple of years down the road, I’m an engineer. Never appeared in the list. Never thought I’d become one either. I did it out of filial-piety. But hey, it pays well (or so I think…)

Back to Su’s question: I want to be a baker. I get such a crazy feeling seeing plain bland dough transforming into something so majestically beautiful. I can start out in a little bakery, churning out hot potato buns then slowly climb my way up to The Loaf dishing out avant-garde Campagne Fromage.

Nah, I’ll be content for now, baking ugly brownies at home…

The Power of Holidays

2007-11-10T12:53:00.000+08:00

I lurve holidays. Reasons below in particular order:

No work. (Yabba dabba do!)
Sleep all day.
Disturb people sleeping.

There's just nary worry in my head - no yield issues to close, no follow up work, no emails to reply, no people to call (even though I dislike them), no data to compile, no reports to generate, no documents to read - sheer oblivious ignorance. Bliss.
And you know what the best part is?
Couple ignorance bliss with some kick-ass chicken briyani. And mutton dhalca. And spicy chutney. And idli.
Fantastic!

To give you a rough picture on how fantastical I feel, I'm signing off with this.

Boleh buka boot?

2007-11-03T09:15:00.000+08:00

I've never been stopped by police before. Up until last night, that is. We were on our way home from Eckywoobee and there was a roadblock in front. The policeman signaled us to the side.
(OMG, do I look that drunk?)

Police: Selamat malam encik. Boleh buka boot?

Stranger got pulled out from the car to open the boot while the rest of us were asked for our ICs.
(Now, what? They suspect we're hiding drugs in the boot?)
A moment later, stranger came back and this was the gist of it.

Stranger: You know what the fella said when I opened the boot? "Ini boot lebih besar laaa. Ini Toyota kann? Berapa harganya?"
Stranger: We got pulled over because the police wants to check out my car!!!

All New VIOS. My design. My pride.

The Way to a Woman's Heart

2007-10-28T21:02:00.000+08:00

No, it’s not roses.
No, it’s not pink roses.
No, it’s not 24 pink roses...either...

It’s the entire process flow of ‘getting flowers’.

1) It’s the effort of him calling the florist:

Man: Hello? Get me 2 dozen flowers.
Florist: What flowers do you want?
Man: Just get me any flowers. 2 dozen. Oh no, wait a minute. Get me pink roses. (She likes pink)

2) It’s the effort of him picking up the flowers after a 12-hr shift in the wee hours of the morning.

3) It’s the effort of him driving to her house.

4) It’s the effort of him surprising her with a bouquet of roses at her doorstep.

That’s what a new-age, sensitive, modern, millennium man would do.
That’s what my stranger did =)

Beyond colors, beyond boundaries

2007-10-02T20:25:00.000+08:00

It was a chaotic scene. There were people shouting, people shoving, people rushing.

The din was deafening. ‘Waiter!’, ‘more soup’, ‘bill!’ fills the air.

Peak lunch-hour period in downtown KL on a bright Sunday afternoon. Two strangers were seated among a sea of tourists at a BKT shop. He picks up a piece of meat delicately with chopsticks like a pro while she pokes her kailan with a fork just like any other kid brought up during the raging Fast-Food era.

Here’s the irony:

His dad's name is Santhana. Her dad's name is Lee.

The lady who took their orders muffled a laugh staring at these two weird strangers. In the midst of all the commotion, this scene just did brighten her day a little. “People just get weirder and weirder in this time and age…” she mutters…

Guess the old saying ‘opposites attract’ do hold true. The fact he knows how to use the chopsticks CORRECTLY and she doesn’t, oddly forms an attraction. (Haehehae)

Just like in the movies

2007-09-06T20:31:00.000+08:00

Two complete strangers seated in the same room having induction together. One sitting in front another seated at the back. Neither knew of each other’s name nor existence. There have been times where their paths crossed, though neither of them really realized. Not until one stranger left, that fate brought them together.
Fate works in mysterious ways; magical, some would say. Our higher being up there has his own ‘sneaky’ ways for His children.

It started out with just a casual movie date. He just wants to watch a movie, while she was more interested in his tattoos. Not until then, did they realize they share many common similarities – passion for food, That 70’s Show, tattoo fanatics, 80’s music (yea, baby!)
Unashamedly, she admits. He’s irresistibly addictive and attractive.

He came. He saw. He caused many sleepless nights.

Why do Man Need Woman?

2007-08-19T12:07:00.000+08:00

Men and women alike are in constant search of 3 things:

1. Human touch
2. Communication
3. The need to be needed

We all need the physical touch. And it's not sex I mean. Just like babies have to be cuddled and cooed in their growing stage; we adults alike need the physical touch. We need to cuddle together for warmth and comfort in this cold, selfish world, even if its only for just a moment.

We all need to communicate. To communicate at a stage where you can share something good you did, and the other party won't think you're bragging. The purpose is not to convey information, but just to tell each other "I am here, and I know you are here".

We all need to be needed. If no one needs you, what good are you? Yes, we are needed in many places; at work, in the community, society, but all these are superficial. If you're gone one day, anyone can replace you. But to that one man/woman, you're THE need. We need to be needed to boost our self-esteem to face a brand new day.

adapted from Readers Digest,2000

Fascinating, isn't it?
Now...where is my bolster for warmth & comfort..

--2 dozen years old--

2007-07-09T01:05:00.000+08:00

Cake #1 - simplicity

Cake #2 - note Chinese version of 'michelle'

Cake #3 - sugary+creamy

Birthdays

Some people like it grand and loud, some people like it quiet and intimate. I remembered a couple of years back, when I was still studying, an "overly-concern" housemate organized a big get-together for my birthday. There were over 20+ people- some of whom I only know their surname, a big cake and plenty of Coke. A matter of fact speaking, none of them were there for my birthday. There were small cliques in every corner of the house, each of them engrossed in their own gossip for the day. I, on the other hand, had to put on a fake smile for pictures and 'entertain' them. It ended up with me having a 5cm-long cake, which I can hardly make out what flavour it was and a huge mess to clean up.

Nah, I don't even like people singing birthday songs for me. When you're surrounded and all eyes are on you, I tend to picture myself as a lamb surrounded by singing wolves. Birthdays can be traumatic in the wrong circle of friends.

I'm blessed to have 3 cakes this year (maybe 4, since Audrey is coming home) and yes, I insist on having the biggest piece. (to thriple confirm the flavour) But I like the cake Mom&Dad got me, best. It's no fancy schmancy belgian chocolate coated or decorated with imported Arabian espresso beans. Just a simple, round shaped, classic baked cheesecake. And even better, it's not mass-baked from one of those government-taxed franchises. You have to call and order from an old, rustic coffeeshop in Klang town where the waiters are old enough to be your grandpa.

Thanks for the sms-es, thanks for the calls, thanks for the cakes, thanks for the singing. (yea, can never escape the wolf-singing-lamb experience)

Even though it was different for the first time in 5 years, enjoyed I did.

Simplicity at its best:

Chong Kok Kopitiam, opposite Klang komuter station

Walking dumpling

2007-06-20T23:18:00.000+08:00

12.27pm, the pantry

A: Mi-shell, mi-shell… wan ask u something veli serious. Sit down..sit down…
M: What?
A: U actually veli enjoy life or veli stress? (while giving me that look from head to toe, very obviously, indicating my weight gain)
M: I….. I know I’m fat-la.
A: No, no…selious wan…wad happen?
M: I moved back in with my family-ma, previously I stayed alone when I was studying. Now got home cooked food-ma.
A: U look better when u first join lor, I like your student-look. Now u look like, err…like ah sam who found rich husband. Veli hou meng dy, no need pretty pretty herself anymore. Ah sam-look.
M: …………..
(Aaah...the number of ways you can be screwed in)

It’s like a war zone out there, so they say; backbiting, suck up wannabes, hardcore politics…but nobody warn me about ego squashing. And pride trampling.
Forget the cunning hypocrites. It’s the geeky nobodys that you should fear.

Just when I start to believe Mom, that I have womanly curves…

Strange wonders

2007-06-13T22:48:00.000+08:00

13 June 06
I was in HR Training Room undergoing my induction with a bunch of dumb, fresh-faced, wide-eyed freshies. First time into an actual working environment did overwhelm me a little; the centralized aircon, people rushing around yakking on phones clutching laptops, ‘little’ people in smocks and just to highlight, no one seems friendly. That’s not the point, anyway.
After that day, I’ve never stepped into that training room ever since.

13 June 07
I was in HR Training Room for my Poka-Yoke (pronounce as Po-Ka Yo-Khe) training. All of a sudden, it just hit me, wham! A year later, 365 days after, I stepped back into that same room. What do you call this, er, situation? Fate?

Fate.
n
The supposed force, principle or power that predetermines events.

It’s a tiny milestone achievement. Just a tiny little one, where the satisfaction & pride comes from within. I can proudly (or not?) state I have 1yr working experience.
Celebration? Indulge in 4 balls of Mexican tequilla shot chocs without any guilt. Nothing beats the rush of serotonin to the brain.

What changed in a year? Frankly speaking, nothing much, besides:
-womanly curves (I have to accept the damn fact, my derrière won’t go back to Std6 size)
-‘honk-u-back-you SOB’ driving attitude
-able to differentiate between Federal / NKVE / LDP / Kesas / Sg. Besi highway
-have a bit $$ to buy Mom perfume, Dad shirts, Bro Sony PS3 (jeez, small kids nowadays…)
-I have became very acrimonious

Which part are you in now?

Flattery

2007-06-11T20:39:00.000+08:00

3.37pm, Daniela production line

B: It’s hot in here, huh? Don’t you guys feel it?
Many guys & a girl: It’s always hot in here.
B: Oh, I know why. Because today she’s here (pointing at her), she’s too hot.
A girl: Hahahahahahah
Many guys: (silent)
B: You know, usually when B makes a lame joke, subordinates will laugh with him. You guys aren’t laughing, only her.
A girl: Hahahahahahah x2

From a whisper to a scream

2007-06-07T19:41:00.000+08:00

Scene 1
I woke up grumpily by the annoying sound of ti ti ti ti, ti ti ti ti. Groped down the stairs for water. Damn, container’s empty. Didn’t boil water.

Scene 2
In the midst of washing my Milo-stained cup, something caught my eye. Thousands of icky black thingy-ma-jig celebrating, drinking, eating in the dustbin. An ant alone will seem harmless, but when the whole communities of clans come out to play, Myrmecophobia can happen. Damn, didn’t throw rubbish.

You see the similarities above? All of us are guilty of taking our parents for granted. Seriously. Mom is the one who boils water, Dad throws the rubbish.
Just to clear things up, I’m not a pampered, spoilt, doesn’t lift-a-finger child. I do housework. It’s just at times, I tend to overlooked things; there will always be water, rubbish will be cleared.

People always tell you this, but you inadvertently ignore it, till it hits you wham! I’ve been a good child so far - satisfactory grades, no involvement in drugs or pirated DVDs, be their kuli when out marketing, be their chauffeur, the little luxuries I give, obedient… But good aint enough. I want to be super-duper good. Notice 1 thing I left out from the list of ‘goodness’? Communication. I seldom talk to them. Can’t find anything relevant. 16years ago, I would even tell them that, Rajes’s mom’s cousin’s daughter has a black, spotty white kitten. Rule #5 Who Moved My Cheese: Change. Move with the cheese.

Mom & Dad is coming home tomorrow. And you know what? From now on, I’ll boil water. I’ll throw the rubbish. And I'm gonna tell them about that idiotic moron, black Wira who blatantly cut into my lane today.

Like a bullet through your brain

2007-06-03T11:48:00.000+08:00

Acrimonious.

I'm feeling acrimonious. After 3 weeks, my state has come to a level of intense feeling of resentment. And all of a sudden, I have these wild thoughts playing in my mind.

Caffeine overdose (is it actually possible? how many cups?)
How long can someone practise the mambo before her/his legs gets into a nice shade of blue+black?
How many trays of carrot muffins can I bake continously before I start looking like a carrot?
How many back-to-back episodes of Grey's Anatomy can I watch before my eyes pop out ala Exorcist girl?
How did they build Genting's cable car track? Didn't you notice there're nothing but trees all around?

Insanity is slowly creeping in.

The Ouch Factor

2007-05-11T17:47:00.000+08:00

There was once a girl who loved a boy. Loved him with all her heart.
Then, she made a mistake. A mistake, no matter how much pleading or remorse could bring the boy back. She was repayed 10-fold by the ultimate revenge plan.
Wretched, battered, torn, betrayed.

There was once a girl who loved a boy.

The New Me

2007-03-14T20:47:00.000+08:00

May 22, 2006 -> March 14, 2007

Err...a lot of months in between. My Maths is bad.

I think I've changed.
Waist grew wider, for the obvious. Mind grew a little mature, for the discreet.
I'm a full-fledge working, ahem... woman.
Driving to Damansara myself, buying shoes on my own(no need approval from Mom anymore! ha!), visit the hair saloon alone, pumping petrol on my own..on my own, on my own, on my own.

Environment's changing too.
Audrey left me, thats drastic. Earth's getting hotter. My neighbour's daughter can now count till 10.

Oh, I need money to get another tattoo.
I plan to win FlyFM's end-bit. The cash now stands at $9700.
I can have a dragon-tiger-phoenix tattoo with hebrew inscription all around, that can make Angelina cry.

Returned

2006-05-22T21:04:00.000+08:00

It's been almost a month since my last post.
A month ago, I was restless, sleepless, puffy eyes, grumpy, exhausted, pimply-faced, losing hair, stressed out & deprived of proper food.

Today, I am refreshed, recharged, and rejuvenated.

A lot of things can happen in a month.

FYP report,
presentation,
final exams, 2 papers.

And now, all those are gone, I'm entering a new transition in life. I'm finally a grown-up. I have to earn money myself in order for me to survive.
But there's 1 slight problem: No one wants to employ me. :(

Sad.

I know wad I'll miss the most when I start working. Sleep. I cant sleep till 2 in the afternoon anymore. Damn.

Michelle eats @ SOULed OUT.

2006-04-23T19:09:00.000+08:00

Good eh?

Belum makan, sudah burrppp....

Saturday night dinner.

Lively atmosphere with outspoken waiters, constantly shouting to greet you. =)
The noise level there is almost deafening! But in a good way, of course; the constant cheering of goals, laughter, chitty-chatty, bells(!), yes bells!

Appetizer: summertime salad
lettuce, cherry tomatoes, alfafa bean sprouts, beets, mandarin oranges, sprinkled with extra virgin olive oil, topped with grilled fish, prawns +calamari. Ooooh!

Main Course: beefed out pizza
pepperoni, , chunks of ground beef, raisins with mozarella, on top of a thin wooden-baked crust! Yum!

Mocktail: Pussy foot (yea, i know it sounds funny)
concoction of mango+pineapple+orange+strawberry juice. Slurrp!

Finish up with a mug of good ol' Heineken.

The 4 Men in my life

2006-04-21T01:44:00.000+08:00

Dedicated to the ones I simply adore.

1. Josh Harnett
I first saw him in Pearl Harbour and ever since, I've never managed to let go off him. His eyes, oh his eyes. Piercing & mesmerizing. And what beautiful abs.
Lovely.
What's disappointing: Currently dating Britain's Most Beautiful Woman, Scarlett Johansson.

2. Heath Ledger
My first time watching him in Casanova has really charmed my heart out of me. Such a manly jaw-line, and yes, piercing eyes as well. Though watching him in Brokeback Mountain, kissing Jake, has got me a little queasy. But thats what they call professionalism in acting, aight?
What's disappointing: Engaged to Michelle Williams and a daddy to a beautiful daughter.

3. Tony Leung Chiu Wai
I have been idolizing him since I was just 2-inches tall. But I personally think, his years of age is making him even more irresistable. Eeee... his moustache makes him so yau yeng! And not to forget, he's a brillant actor. Watching him in Infernal Affairs has caused me many sleepless nights! He totally deserved the best actor award for that. What's disappointing: Dating Carina Lau for gawd-knows-how-long.

4. Donnie Yen
As a little girl, I used to watch him in kung-fu flicks, hee-yaking and hai-yaking, flying all over the place. Never really noticed him though... up until now. =)
Watching him in Seven Swords + SPL has got me oooh-ing and waaah-ing. Oooh so man! Waah so yau yeng. A quick search on google tells me he has great abs as well. hehe. He has the same martial arts background as Jet Li, is way way way more good-looking, has a body that Usher can be jealous of, and I wonder why he didn't make it big as Jet?
What's disappointing: Married and a father to a couple of kids.

Vanity Paraded

2006-04-19T13:41:00.000+08:00

After all the money-spending, accesories-picking, shoes-buying, clothes-choosing, facials+mani+pedi, the day has finally come, for it to be paraded all out.

PROMENADE
14 April 2006
Putrajaya International Convention Center (PICC).

With a little help from this,

and this,

I think I look presentable for prom.

Of all proms that I've went for the past 3 years, sadly to say, there isn't 1 prom that got me leaving with nothing but sweet memories. Everyone hoped that this year's would be the best, most fun, most exciting, most fantastic; I mean everyone would want to graduate, with happy prom memories rite? Sadly, none of the of the above mentioned qualities were even near-achieved.

WHAT WENT WRONG

they restrict us fom taking photos by saying "Go and sit down at your table NOW. No more taking pictures".
food arrived incredibly horribly late. not to mention, food standards was way x3 below PICC's par. I'm sure ministers+politicians don't get crappy food like we did.
food was dirty. some vommitted & some 'lao sai'.
this prom does not serve water. they expect us to hydrate ourselves with saliva.
too freaking many people. many of my friends were gone unnoticed drowned by the sea of unknowns.
they forced us out of PICC on the dot, airing unprofessional announcements over the PA system, such as "Go home and sleep". common sense, will tell you people aren't goin to leave so early rite? How many chances do u get in a lifetime to dress-up and take pictures?
they left Tun Mahathir staring at some freaky-plastic hand, when all the burnin action was happening behind him.

What's the point of boasting "The Biggest Ever Prom Held in MMU", when you can't meet basic prom requirements?

I don't regret the money I spend on getting pretty. But I loathe the $89 I spend on, to be treated with no respect, no dignity & no value.

Vanity is Expensive

2006-04-13T14:54:00.000+08:00

In the pursue of beauty & vanity, I spend $68 on my nails. Fingers and toes.
A rather big pinch on my wallet though. With $68, I can buy 2 reload cards or eat 27 double-cheese-burgers.

before ...

After.

before ...

After.

p/s: i have to admit i have old-lookin fingers & toes. this is due to the NUMEROUS dish-washing and clothes-washing. sigh.

G O A L !

2006-04-09T16:45:00.000+08:00

It was a beautiful game of football between United and Arsenal tonight.
Can you believe United has 16 shots on-target ? That will be enough to keep you on the edge of your seats!

But the highlight of the game, was definitely the goal by Park ji Sung. At the 78th minute, aided by Rooney, Park skillfully steered the ball to victory. It was a momentous moment. Everyone was celebrating. I was jumping. Moreover, the winning goal came from an Asian.

What I wan to highlight here is, when Park was substituted by Evra for a more defensive tactic, almost 70 000 people stood up in honour of him. The camera focused on the crowd - 70 000 people, standing up and clapping. So surreal.
At that moment, I had this weird but happy kinda feeling in me. I was proud. Honoured and estacticly joyous. To be proud that I am an Asian, and be proud that an Asian can command the respect & salute from 70 000 mat-sallehs.

Football is wonderful. It cuts across all boundaries; cultures, religions and races.
Joga bonito.

Park, you're my man.

oh-mi-gawd!

2006-04-08T13:14:00.000+08:00

oh my oh my!
Audrey spoke to Daniel Lee online! Can you imagine? Speaking to your idol?
Eeek! Jealous.

Audrey is the 1 in black ink. Amethyst6218. Daniel is the 1 in green, of course. I purposely pick this part of conversation, cos Daniel said 'i love you' to her.
Aaaaww ...

How I wish if I have the exact same chance to speak to Heath Ledger.
Aaaahhhh ....

Dumbass

2006-04-05T23:03:00.000+08:00

Why are some people so plain dumbass & idiotic?
I believe the good Lord has given each and every one of us common sense. It's just that some people choose to ignore it, without realising its the only one damn thing that gives world peace!

I'm nanometers away from launching WW3 against whosoever that suggested the midterm date to be changed.

Why can't we finish the bloody midterm as fast as possible and be done with it? Do you think by postponing the midterm and giving u more time, u will get full marks? Oh, come on! U always have to be the number-One kiasu rite?

Fuck man ...

- -

2006-04-04T19:56:00.000+08:00

I broke 2 fingernails today!

Aaaaargh!!

Michelle eats @ Bumbu Bali

2006-04-03T22:16:00.000+08:00

Did you know that the area opposite Puchong Giant, is so developed & happening that it resembles Taipan?

Yea, who knows rite? It's so deserted and unstrategically located. Anyway, gotta give credit to this guy-la, he intro-ed that place to me, and yea, I have to admit this time he is more hap than me. Click here.

We saw this very uniquely-decorated place at a corner lot. Try imagine quaint umbrellas, teak chairs, figurines of Buddha, shiny twirling hanging things, wooden bowls & plates, artistic pictures and spurts of cold air added to that effect.

Of course, we are all attracted to nice things, so makan here-lo!

Bumbu Bali's speciality : sate lilit

Mixture of seafood & some other meat, wrapped on a serai stalk instead of the conventional sate stick.

Taste something different, a little spicy and the meat is totally infused with serai. Lovely!

Bumbu Bali's special concotion: Ais campur something

Sweet & milky kinda drink, mixed with cubed watermelon+honeydew at the base note, cubed nangka at the middle note and sago+sliced banana+pickled coconut at the top note.

Fabulous!

Tornado has struck Spider Sam's home

2006-03-31T17:35:00.000+08:00

Psst... I'll let u in on a little secret.

I've been sleeping with insects for the past 2 years.

Now before you think, that I'm Shino's sister or some kind of superhero bug-girl,
I didn't choose to be it this way.

You see, my bed is located directly under the flourescent tube. As days, weeks and months passed, the insect colony seem to be attracted to it brightness. Spiders, black beetles, cocoon kinda worms, ants, flying ants, mosquitoes, brown bugs have all build their bungalows & condominiums there. And they breed too. Oh, they just keep on breeding & breeding & breeding & breeding & breeding ....
Of course, they will be some unlucky anak-anak who might fall off from their nice little homes. And where do they fall to?
On my bed.

Every morning, I will be greeted with either Spider Sam's son / Beetle Brian's daughter / Willy Worm's uncle / Andy Ant's great-grandauntie on my pillow / bolster / blanket / bear.
Amazingly, I've survived from mutating into some kind of human breed insect after all these years.

Up to last night, out of casually, I asked my housemates to help me look for a vacuum cleaner. And, guess what? My housemate has one, right in my own house! All I need to do was to open my bladi mouth. Aiya!

In the end, last night's sleep was the most comfortable, soothing, relaxing, unwinding sleep that I've ever had.

Pui Fun, thank you so much for the vacuum cleaner (",)

My Best Friend's Obsession

2006-03-29T20:05:00.000+08:00

(this post was put up by a bit of force, but nevertheless, I think it's worthwhile)

My bestfriend, Audrey, is a fanatically crazy obsessed fan of Daniel Lee.
Until I terpengaruh to increased my obsession by 50%. Although from Day-1 itself, I like Daniel, but not up to that stage where Audrey is right now.

A quick drop-by at her house to discuss an assignment, ended up a 5-hour stay, watching E-V-E-R-Y picture, clip, song, autographs, CDs of him. Frankly speaking, I'm amazed. Although she didn't beat those so-called pinkies in the Daniel Lee forum, I personally think she has a collection that would make Mr.Daniel himself, give her a hug. Those pinkies are just show-offs anyway. Showing off Daniel eating with me, Daniel's arm on my shoulder, Daniel playing bowling with me ... yada yada yada. (blek)

Anyone who so happened read this post, (if you're going to any ) Daniel roadshow / concert / album launch / meet-the-fans / autograph signing - PLS ASK AUDREY along - as long as anything berkaitan with Daniel, she will like it.