Fickle Heart

3 years has passed since my last breakup. I did try to get back into game. Few casual dates and even fewer dates which I was actually interested. Two to be exact.

The first one ended horribly. I showed all signals that I was interested in him. I sought guy friends' help to decipher his body language. Some encouraging, some didn't. I will only listen to positive, I told myself. We chatted for few weeks. Soon I realize he lacked interest. One-word answer, late replies. He started to tell me this other girl he was interested in. Some dumb, big eyed, I-need-to-be-saved waitress. It broke my heart.
I worked to hard to get to where I am today; financially independent. Alas I lost to a person I vowed never to become! That took a chip off my self confidence.

I met a second boy. Accidentally was introduced at company party. Had no expectations. Well, at least that's what I thought.
This boy was persistent. Constantly messaging. I said yes to the first date. It went all right, he was an hour late! But made up for it, for I never laughed so much in one night.
His messages continued. The hi's , how are you, indeed made my day. We went out again. Three times in total this round. Well, it was a long weekend/holiday, I guess we were both bored. So consecutive 3 days, we dated. My interest grew after each date. So did my expectations. After our last date, I could not get this boy out of my head. I was so happy when he said he wants to meet again the following weekend.

To be honest, I was fidgety throughout the week. My heart squeezed in anticipation waiting for Friday to arrive.

Come weekend. No calls nor texts. My heart sank. It tore, literally.
Fuck expectation. It kills you.

Being who I am, I had to explain his sudden disappearance. I spied on his Instagram. Saw pictures of him cuddling another girl posted all over. On that same weekend, we were supposed to go out.
I sank into a hole.

Why? What's wrong with me? Why do boys keep going away? One time, two times. I can no longer take it.

He broke every ounce of self confidence in me. You were the one who pursued. You told me that you liked me. When I was convinced to open my heart to you, you disappeared. Into another girl's arms.

That hit me. I reflected for all the times I struggled, pushed myself, worked hard - single, independent career woman, smart, decently attractive - all for what? When I can't find a man to appreciate?

I cried.

I want to give up. Pack my bags and go home. Back to mama.
I'm tired. I don't want to hold on to that strong me anymore.

This will never compare to others who are strickened by war. Or others who lost everything. Or others who are dying of terminal illnesses.
Petty and trivial. Insignificant, they might argue.

I don't care.. I hate it that I am hurt.
I hate my heart. For being stupid.

The Simple Girl Index

I came across this article in the Philippines Star, wonderfully written by DIVASORIA.PH

“Ask your guy friend – “so who’s your dream girl?” and he’s going to say, among other things – “I want her to be cute, nice and simple”.

What is a “simple girl” ?

Passing rate 75% and I got 32% (sebab tuh ke... heha)

- Michelle is def not simple -

The Most Important Man

A colleague asked me last Friday, in one of our office-nights out, " So, have you meet the guy who will love you for who you are, care for you for the rest of your life & treat you like a Queen? "

" What are you talking about, KC? I found him already. He's at home right now, most probably watching some Canto drama on TV! My Dad will love me for who I am, fat or thin, rich or poor, young or old"

(KC smirked) " You gotta go out more, girl..."

Aaah. The great, big mystery on why I am still single.

But this post is not about me. It's about the man who will love me for who I am.

My earliest memories of him was when I was about 7years old. He was on shift work at that time and I clearly remember I would be sad the each time he leaves for work at night, because I knew he would not be there to tuck me to bed. As a child, I didn't know how to tell him that. I just stood at the door and watched him whizz into darkness until my tiny stature could no longer catch his view.
In the next morning, I will wake up fully covered with blanket from shoulder to toes. And he would be in the next room, sleeping, snoring away. Being the unfeminine sleeper that I am, I knew that it was he who covered my blanket. Every morning without fail, I would wake up to my blanket fully covered on me.

My next memory was when I was about 10+. It was the time my Mom & I would challenge to get his attention. At least thats how I felt, not sure about Mom. It was that period where I felt I cannot lose to Mom. I want to be his favourite girl not Mom.
Whenever Mom showed him a new skirt she bought, I would run upstairs, put on my favourite dress and parade to him hoping he will like my dress more than Mom's skirt. Whenever Mom cooked him his favourite meal, I would quickly go to the fridge and give him my favourite Vitagen, hoping he likes Vitagen more than the meal. And in each quest, I felt I reigned victory, because he would place a KitKat bar in my lunchbox the following day.

Our relationship wasn't so rosy when I grew older. You see, he was a short-tempered man. Very quickly to raise his voice at the slightest irk. Very quickly to say nasty things when he is angry.
When I grew older, I had the courage to yell back. Teenaged suppressed angst. He would raise his voice when I come home past the agreed time and I would yell back, I am old enough daddy!
However, this always results in me crying in my room immediately after. It never ends on a happy note.

*******************************************************

His hair is all grey now even his beard. He has lost his most of his bulging belly and his back is easily susceptible to sprains & twists. His skin is wrinkly and he has lost most of his teeth. Yet to me, he is still the most good looking man. Ever.
Because of him, I am the intelligent, attractive young lady I am.

His temper is still there. He still shouts & get angry. However, I don't yell back anymore. I just keep quiet, let him rant all his steam, then calmly say " You are angry right now. Calm down, it's not good for your blood pressure. I will leave you alone."
The following day, as though nothing happened, he will ask me if I want to eat yau char kwei for breakfast. He will go buy some.

There is never a day, it hurts me so much that I wished I could be at home. Just be at home. Don't get me wrong. He is very happy, enjoying his retirement years, indulging in his gardening hobby and can look after Mommy & Brother much, much better than I do.
But, I just want to be home.

******************************************************

Happy Father's Day, Daddy. Wow, you had a haircut! So leng jai already.

(Daddy smiled) "Heheh... thank you, when are you coming back, we go makan besar! "

- Although, I have not met that guy who will lift me up from Divemaster's vortex, it doesn't really matter. I have 2 boys at home who will love me for who I am, love me in sickness and in health, in poverty or in wealth... - 

JJK - the not so part II *

Jimmy. The gorgeous manager I totally stopped breathing for. Yes. He is here. He was supposed to come in to office tomorrow. I was prepared to lose my senses second time.

453pm. Received email, meeting venue changed.

What?

Why??

Why can't I have just that little piece of happiness, shaking his hand & saying hi?

Why won't happiness come find me?

JJK

I came down the stairs on a lookout. Vaguely, I know how he is supposed to look like. All from my incessant prying from his FB.
I saw a pretty boy's side view. I know its him. He heard me coming down. My famous "plik plak" footsteps. I pretended not to see him - the naive act all girls use.

He rose up and approached me. Wow, how tall he is. Shook hands, then talk. He was talking about timelines and factories. I looked into his eyes. Body language 101 - art of communication.
I stopped. Staring at his eyes for more than 3 secs gives me goosebumps.
He is DAMN gorgeous. OK, switch. Look at the sofa. He talked some more. About colors & lacquers. I can't seem to focus.

Introduced him to my colleagues. I was distracted with the big orange beads he wore on his left hand. Religious is he?

After about 30mins or so, its a wrap up. He shook my hand, "nice meeting you Michelle". I replied hope to see you soon again. I went back to my meeting, heart skipping a beat, still unable to focus. I was actually smiling from inside out.

*************************************

I walked into the room headed straight for the soup pot. What soup are they serving today? Turned my attention to my cool Jap colleague and there he was. Sitting at the corner.

He stood up offered me his chair. I politely decline, mind went fuzzy again. "try the soup, it nice", said he. OK, I smiled. I didn't like the soup. Tasted like diluted ketchup. He left the room to put his dirty plate. I lingered, trying to focus on my fried chicken instead of his handsome face. He came back in and signalled me out. "Michelle, i need to ask you about PO issuance".

I  told him the formal stuff, then he asked me if I went anywhere. He suggested I go to Sutos. Then he mentioned that he lived nearby and some mudslide caved in some highway. Throughout, he was standing centimeters away from me, arms resting on the table, head lowered, as if he wants to speak to me on the same level. So close. This time I succeeded more than 3 sec. 15sec max. I had to divert and look at my fried chicken. Another wrap up, he shook my hand and I said goodbye. Again.

A total of 4 handshakes

*************************************

Jimmy, you're seriously one hell good-looking manager. More like a living, breathing hunk. I syiok you gila-gila.
-- but your ring on your finger will keep all these purely in my fantasies.

What Do You Remember about 2010?

Reubs asked me this a couple of days ago. "2010 was nice to me. I got a niece, I got a new job, I went to Bali, yeah, it was nice..."


Back to me. What do I remember about 2010?

• I went to live & work abroad, thats major
• I celebrated my first year break-up by sending an uber, long sensitive email to Divemaster which up till today, I didn't get no reply  
• I got a few nice tatts, all in hope to forget Divemaster
• I went to Boracay, where the sand is so fluffy I could die
• I read 'Tuesday's with Morrie' and am enlightened to cherish what truly matters in life

5 points. Thats all I remember. And 2/5 concerns Divemaster. Not bad in pursuit of recovery?


I came to realization that Kubler Ross 5-stage model isn't really foolproof. I will never reach Level5 (Acceptance) and I realize I will never forget Divemaster. The wounds will never heal. Through time, what is actually happening, I begin to think less of him. Less staring at his pictures, less replaying the wonderful memories, less pretending he's coming back. Lesser and lesser.


That's what I've become. Lesser and lesser of him, More and more of family. Mom, Dad, the spoilt Bro will be the pillars of strength. Every morning, I wake up, I brush my hair, I see their strength inked on my shoulder.


Goodbye 2010, it wasn't such a great year, but it wasn't that bad either. No complains from moi. Hope I'll get to meet some decent-looking guys in 2011 because I'm getting tired of not having anyone to go to movies with! 

Somewhere in my parallel universe

(smart ass pic-text, but hits me right there)



Is Man-liness dead?

i made an observation

guys from this part of the world are wussies. sissys. nimpsies. every nice-looking guy i see will be clutching a girl's hand - tall, short, plump, thin, pimply, old, young, smooth, mole-y, naive, slutty, loud, timid, dumb, dumber - girls from the whole spectrum

and i see big, beefy guys clutching tiny ugly-looking handbags while their dumb gfs swing their butts like golf sticks.

sissys. are there no real men here ?

disappointing. i miss my Divemaster, he will show them what a "man" is

Michelle will just adopt a dog -

michelle joins, Tuesdays with Morrie

"Learn how to die, and you learn how to live"

So true, so profound ...

Enlightened is me -

Being Happy on your own

" to be dependant on someone's love or happiness is never healthy "

in order to achieve happiness within me - solely by me, i want to:

1. learn how to cook
2. travel the world, eat exotic foods, observe strange culture
3. photo-document my travels
4. emphasize more on how i look, just so i feel confident looking in the mirror
5. more reading, less TV
6. constantly express love to mom, dad & brother that they're everything to me
7. have the courage one day to delete Divemaster's picture from my phone

michelle forgot how to be genuinely happy on her own -