Day13: I'm a wreck!

Everywhere I go, I see, I hear, everyone is talking about 09.09.09

And today, on 09.09.09, Mr. Divemaster has updated his FB since our separation.
"........................ misses Guinness, Hoegardden and Diving :) "

Stupid huh? He misses beer(!) more than me he miss me. C'mon, michelle. He just said, he has lost his feelings for u. Obviously he doesn't WANT to see u, what more miss u??!! Fuck. I'm not myself. Everyday, when I go home, I'll always run up into my room - lock myself and cry for a good hour. When the eyes are swollen, when the tears ducts are dry, when I'm gasping for air - I'll eventually stop. Then I'll take a shower, go to bed and cry again.

It's degrading. Depreciating. Even I lose respect for myself. Crying and crying, thinking the world has lost its charm, the sun seems a little dimmer, days look gloomy, dark clouds are closing in...

At the same time, what is my man doing? Having his routine flirts with our brand ambassadors missing beer!

Michelle is weak at her heart, mind & body. She can't get a grip of herself... Can anyone please tell her what can she do to be her normal self again, immediately?

Dimanche ... (Sunday night)

It's a Sunday night.

On usual Sunday nights, we would be cooking instant noodles in your kitchen. No, actually u would be cooking - stir-frying sausages, boiling carrots, simmering noodles - while i do the washing. U always say my noodles don't turn out nice.

Then, with each of us holding our bowls filled to the brim, we would scurry into your room and turn on channel 411. Prime time HBO.

But tonight, a Sunday night, u're not here. U will never be here anymore.

Michelle clutches her precious Thomas Sabo charm reminiscing Sunday nights. Her divemaster's first gift.

Letter #1

Dear Divemaster,

It has been 4days since u left. 4 days without your calls and sms. 4 days of tears clutching your picture. 4 days of heartbreak reading your sms over and over again. U said let's move on and make the best for both of us. Let's move on... let's move on... why is it so easy for u to say let's move on?

I can't move on.

I miss you insanely. I will starve for weeks just to hear your voice again, to hear you call me and say hi bee... I will clean the public toilet just to have u hold me in your arms again. I will practically do anything just to have u look at me and say Sayang.

People tell me time heals. But these 4 days seem like 400 years. Every second passes so damn slow. But when we're together - cooking korean noodles in the kitchen, every second passes like lightning.

I figured u must be in Indonesia right now. Photographing mandarin fishes. I remember u telling me - when you still cared about me - that there wouldn't be any reception. But u will still try your best to call me. Guess, u don't have to now, huh?

I miss you Divemaster. So much. Why did u change your heart?

The Divemaster broke my heart

He finally said it.

" My feelings for you has faded. Let's move on. Life goes on "

There must be another bitch. Which man will tell you there is a 3rd party? None I tell you. None of these coward men will have the fucking guts to tell you there is another woman. They just say, oh, i don't love you anymore...

Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why I can't be happy? I just want to be happy. Nothing more. No big houses, no branded bags, no expensive jewellery. I found my Divemaster and I'm happy. Thats all. But why can't he stay?

The Divemaster left Michelle heartbroken. She can't help herself anymore. She's spiralling down into depression. AGAIN. Why is everything against her to be happy?

Dad the innocent victim

It's just another ordinary Tuesday night. As I sit in my room.

I'm listening to Bitter Heart on repeat, fully wide-awake.

I'm beginning to feel myself slipping into that same realm of darkness 2 years back. C'mon...
who are you kidding? The divemaster is just messing around. Stop lying to yourself with positive words. Encouraging words, my arse! how long do you want be in denial??

I'm moody and cranky. I snapped at Dad for no reason. My retired, caring father who still loves me like that toothless 7yr old girl. But he never shows it. Yet I know. I guess he will be the only man who will ever love me like his only princess.

But I snapped at him. I vent my anger & frustration at an old man because some stupid, idiotic guy hurt my feelings.

i'm sorry. i didn't mean to...

i'm just... i'm just unhappy. depressed. i don't want to go through it all over again.

do you know what it feels like to be really sad? fucker, you don't know. it's not like watching that sissy Titanic. you will never, ever know what fucking things runs through my head. i know what you're thinking. just another stupid naiive girl who can't get hold of her emotions.

dammit, you're wrong! do u know what it feels like to be really sad?

8:06

It's just another ordinary Monday night. As I sit in my room.

A moment ago, I heard the divemaster's voice for 8:06 - after what seem like an eternity of disappearance. Maybe that's why I can't sleep now. At 1248am, I'm listening to Bitter Heart on repeat, fully wide-awake without any nescafe tarik-influence.

He tells me he will be travelling for the next couple of weeks. To dive in faraway islands where there is no cellular reception - where inhabitants dressed in leaves still communicate using pigeons. To traverse the entire country partying cum promoting our new launch. He tells me to hang in there...

*sighhh

I am lying if I say I don't miss him. Who now is going to scream at me, " DO NOT descend with ur arse first!!! How many blardy times you want me to tell you? *grumble grumble....stupid woman...* " Maybe I should get a dog. I can't - Mom hates pets. Maybe I should get a tamagotchi. I can't - Sipadan used up my entire Aug pay. Maybe I should get a boy toy, toy boy. Do you think chai is interested?

Tonight I'll sleep better. Hopefully - i got 8:06, bloody hell, that's better than a lousy sms!


Michelle only wishes that the Divemaster remembers to call when he's away

LoVe thyself

" when you start to appreciate yourself, when you're able to follow your star, then only will your defenses & fear fall.
by then only you're ready for a man "

Over 21, TheStar, 23 Aug 09

I love myself because I gave myself a full length pedi+mani today. I love myself because I spent an hour lifting weights + skipping rope. I love myself because I pampered myself a warm, fluffy char siew pau. I love myself because I oogled at Ashley Cole's shirtless picture till my saliva formed tasik kenyir.

The divemaster ran away to a faraway island and he doesnt call? Don't matter anymore.

Someone posted a picture of Rod today putting at the driving range. He still looks damn good.

THE CARE STOPS

A stewardess told me, " don't invest anything on a boy. don't put time, don't put hope, don't put feelings. cause the more you invest, the more disappointed you'll be "
that simple yet profound comment opened up my eyes. my heart & my brain. why waste time when the boy clearly hasn't invested anything in you? why waste energy when the boy obviously isn't bothered?

let's keep it at just-friends. friends for benefit. or fuck buddy (if you're wasted enough!) good. let's keep it that way.

women shouldn't give a shit on where he's at, who's he with, when is he coming home, why is he not calling or how many packets have gone missing. because friends won't do all that. friends only care if you're gonna belanja makan or tumpang them. beyond that, the care STOPS.

Girlfriends, take heed. Our hearts deserve much more than heartache & disappointment. Fuck it. Enough is enough.


Michelle is plain tired from it all. She does n0t care whose fucking penang-plate myvi Divemaster is driving

Evolution of M

The bloody 'mou han' ended up in a bloody 'M' . Some finger-pointing, shouting, screaming, hair-tearing & a shed of tear knocked some sense into me to settle for just a 'M' .

Few days later I begin to realize. M is good. M won't invoke questions that will leave me go errr....ummm... M is universal. M is simple but catchy. M won't deter that cute photographer from asking me out for dinners >:)

Michelle is already planning an inscription:
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, eventhough its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky,
You'll get by ...
on the back of her neck

Played Out

i am always played. people out there just want to hurt my feelings. why? is this some bad karma from my past life? or those suckers out there just get a freggin kick seeing me hurt with tears rolling down? when i'm hurt, memories of 8th May start flooding back. i sit at the corner of my bed reminiscing that phone call he made. he told me, "i feel i can live alone now. i don't need anyone..."
i said goodbye and ended the call. i sat there with my head slumped to the wall, tears rolling down non-stop for many months. Various images flashed through my head; i felt like running away, i felt like slitting my wrist, i felt like drinking detergent, i felt like calling him back, i felt like going back in time wishing that call was never made. i remembered at that same moment, one of my primary mates called. bad timing. i wailed, yelled and scared the shit out of him. he could only console me by saying, "there're plenty of bastards out there. this bastard is not worthy"

why are there so many bastards in my life? jeez!
stupid Muthar Farker just have to shout, twist and twirl the story to make me look i am in the wrong. WTF?

and still i allow myself to be fooled by sweet charming words. i swallow my pride. i cry, wail for 10 mins. i wipe my tears, pretend nothing happen. i put on my cheerful smile and hope yet again a fairytale life awaits me.

isn't that what all girls dream of?

Michelle hates that bastard and loves that bastard at the same time

Thanks for ruining dinner, you arsehole !

Why do you have to raise your voice at me? You think u're so high up and mighty? Dad has stopped doing that since I was 12. What gives you the fucking right to do so? Would you even dare to raise your voice at Gerri?! I bet my head you wont! And the each time you deny, "I where got raise my voice at you? why are you so sensitive? i am 200% sure i DID NOT raise my voice"

ok fine fine. i have super hearing then! everything you say is amplified by 1000 decibels!

What did I do to deserve this? Fuck you .

Michelle is pointing her middle finger !

Good evening Sir, you wanto buy?

I had an interesting conversation over lunch today. About how guys are suckers for tall, skinny, fair-skinned, long hair girls. Working in an industry that employs hundreds of girls to promote our sales, boys in the promotions-department are having a ball! One of them even gloat, oh i fark her, and her, and that one, and this one. oooh... the last one's wild. then there's left that one, and that one, and that one, and the entire saturday shift.

Eww. Have you spoken to any of the girls lately?

So how long have you been in this line?
Umm... i works for 3 months already. Meets many of customers. hehe. I sell very good.
Okay. why do you think you deserve this job?
Umm... i don't know. heheh. i can talk bahasa. my bahasa not bad.
...

Doesn't that just turn you off already? But no. Constructing proper sentences isn't in the list-of-must-haves. Boys' (no surprise) list-of-must-haves only contain:

1. long legs
2. hole
3. *fake eyelashes optional

Michelle says, be it any hole, men is a happy man.

Urgent Disclaimer

i found out something surprising. someone reads this shit as well. for i thought it was just me and occasionally Aud, after she could no longer stand my annoying reminders: 'Go Read my Post!'
Now that i found you out, Yes YOU, theres a certain disclaimer i want you to be aware of.

*the posts here are by no means any indications, reflections, projections of who i am in flesh. as a matter of fact, i'm quite the opposite. this is my alter-ego. i pretend to be someone not me, someone not bounded by traditional values, someone not restricted by society's perception, someone who give no farks about what my cousin's brother's auntie's sister-in-law's auntie think of my body art. i derive pleasure from escaping conformity.

in flesh, i am sweet and politely-mannered like how all mommies want their daughters to be.

Michelle is in the opinion that the uninformed should not read further. it will give you nightmares...

Somebody call 911

i don't know what's wrong with me. lately i've been feeling very frustrated. like all this pent-up restlessness and stress trapped in a balloon underwater, ready to blow up (funny it seem, i got that analogy from my PADI manual). i tried many ways to take my mind off it:

• go watch a angels & demons
• OD on killkenny
• finish all levels in Supermarket Mania
• started Cake Mania
• puffed enough boxes of Avolution to lost count how many i smoke
• shower my love & attention to a smelly schnauzer
• sleep 13hours straight
• waste $$ at borneo ink
• watched nip/tuck at a lesbians club
• .............

i'm still looking for something that works. damn.

not helping, the Divemaster together with his bunch of snobbish Advanced OWD keep criticizing my dive inadequacy and now he disses my fashion sense too? wtf?

Mou Han

Self-inflict pain with the above. Need. to. distract. myself. away from the boredom at work & routine of life. ETA 27 June 09

it's gonna be bloody...

Boyfriend Application Form

PERSONAL INFORMATION:

Name:
Age:
Location:
Height:
Hairstyle:
Eyes:
Piercings/tattoos:


What Would You do if...

1. I pissed you off:
2. I touched your ass:
3. I dropped your Nikon D80:
4. I got in a fight and you were there:
5. I cried:

What Do You Think Of My...

1. Clothes:
2. Voice:
3. Humor:
4. Choice of music:
5. Manners:

OTHER:

1. Do you like the beach? if so, why
2. Would you watch the movie that i picked even if you didnt want to?
3. If we're not watching movie, what would we be doing?
4. Would you give me kisses just because?
5. How would you rate your hugs from 1-10?

Would You...

1. Lie to make me feel better:
2. Talk to your friends about me:
3. Make a snack for me at 2 am:
4. Keep a secret if I told you one:
5. Love me unconditionally:

Position will be more favorable to Daniel Henney, Donnie Yen, Josh Hartnett or McSteamy. Only shortlisted candidates will be notified-
Reproduced from missy denise, D to da T

Best Things in Life

Some kid named Hilary won an essay competition for penning an article on the matter above. I wonder what would a 17-yr old kid regard as what's best? Not that a 20-something girl would know what is best either...
I tell myself the best things are the ones that make you happy on the inside. No money spent, no effort made:

1. waking up in DM's arms and then kick him for snoring
2. finding a pack of Thai fried rice on the table after a horrible long night or should i say wee morning at work
3. bro helping me to do the dishes
4. when some Marketing big-shot actually say 'thank u' for the nights I spent designing that damn box
5. a big bowl of ais kacang with unlimited peanuts! (okay, some money needed here...

*due credit given to ipohwav3 for image

Michelle is sleepy from a dark, gloomy Monday--

the problem with EX-es

I don't get this. Why do all my ex-bfs stay in touch with their other ex-gfs and my this one particular ex-bf avoids me like plague? There are numerous occasions where i go; "ah, whose that?" "Oh, my ex gf. We're still friends" "(what the hell........ :-S)"

ok. fine. whatever. ex gf. at least now, I AM with the guy right?

Which brings me a thought to ponder. Why doesnt Rod want to keep in touch with me?

• send an email - no reply
• send sms - no reply
• send merry Xmas - got a standard christmas gretting text reply
• send happy birthday - no reply

Shouldn't it be we female species are the type who 'hold grunges forever' kind? We species are the type who 'you never existed in my life' kind? We species are the type who 'don't ever come find me again' kind?

***********************************************************

i was in love once. A boy who rides a vulcan kawasaki. That mean machine we usually cruise on the highway at 220km/h. What a thrill it was. Seeing all the kapchais & wiras lagging sorely behind. And he use to buy me rotiboy whenever i was on one of my 'merajuk' mood swings.

i guess it doesn't matter.

The void in me will always be there. Would it be better if we were still friends? I don't know.

i have been afraid all this while. Yet i hope someday i will be able to fall in love again. A forwarded mail once said; it takes only a second to fall in love. yeah, how hard can that be?


For the record, Michelle hasn't eaten rotiboy since 2006. She's thinks she's going to bug her hottie divemaster.

somethings are meant not to be seen

Someone saw you with another woman. Skinny, tanned, long hair, petite one. I didn't want to believe. No, never would I believe.
Until, I saw. With my eyes I saw you with her. Laughing gayly without a worry in the world.

I knew this was coming. Sooner or later. To hold another woman in your arms. To have another woman breathe into your ears. To cuddle another woman in your embrace.

Why did we end up like this? Why did we changed?

I am blank.

I don't believe.

The Smiling Man from the Lift

He was very quiet when he came. Who could blame him anyway? All the way from Argentina he came, to a land he knows no one. We seldom talked, partly I was arrogant and he... he was just shy. All I did was smile. And he smiled back.

I met him at the lift once by surprise. It was already 7.40pm.

• "Why so late?" I asked.
• "Its normal" he said flashing a big smile.

That smile. That cute, boyish smile that touched my heart.
We continued talking even for that mere 3 minutes before reaching the Basement. He told me about where he's living, his wife, his kids....

Two weeks later, I hear tragic news.

*********************************************************

I regret I never smiled more.
I regret I never stopped to say Good Morning when I come to work.
I regret I never said How are you doing when I bumped into him at the pantry.
I regret I never talked to him longer in the lift.


Today, when I walk past his empty cubicle, tears start to well up...

-Michelle reminds herself to stop and tell the people around her; she loves them -