Cravings of Banana Leaf & Mango Lassi

It's one of those nights when I'm sentimental again.


FB is a door to emo-michelle. And I never seem to learn, for I always am somehow lead back to that evil door, opening tonnes of depressing memories.


Browsed through lovey-dovey, cutesy pictures of Von & his model gf. We double-date quite a bit and Divemaster used to say Von is just fooling around. Baah! 
Look who's fooling around? Von just went on a hot vacation @Nusa Dua and Divemaster left me a year ago. You see? You see the things I put myself into?


Now I'm all emo, sitting alone in my room, polluting my lungs, wishing I was back in Nov.  Gaah.


I need a diversion. Something to distract me.

Michelle misses her first date at Vishal -

Selamat Harijadi Michelle

I am 27 today, wow... 27. I am getting old. I didn't want this day to come, let it be, let it slide, as normal as Thursdays can be. Thoughts of yesteryears creep in as 8th July approaches. I told no one, but I was supposed to be at Rainforest Music Festival,Swak this year. Supposed to be my birthday gift.

All I wanted for my birthday is to see Divemaster in flesh.

Dear Blog,
It's coming up to a year now - since Divemaster left. You will think I'm getting better, wouldn't you? I tell myself that too sometimes. I can say I'm no longer that wreck of shit last year, who hides in a corner and cry till my eye veins pop.

Yet I still keep his picture in my phone, occasionally whips out to look at it whenever I see something that reminds me of him. Just the other day, I saw a banner that says "Dive Now, Work Later". It was his motto, something which he always tells me. And there I was staring at my phone forever.

I can't let go. I'm stucked and I can't climb out.

How long is it going to take? 2yrs? 5 yrs? Baah..I'm gonna be a wrinkled spinster !

A first birthday in the Philippines was nice. The office threw me a surprise party (I was really caught surprise!) with 2cakes, pizza & ice cream. Everyone treated me super awfully nice. Everyone wanted to hug me even my giant Brazilian director, "Birthday Girl! C'mere and give me a hug! Happy Birthday u!". Walter called me all the way from Indonesia. Woah. How's that?

Once a year - Obligation.

At the end of the night, after a few mango shakes & stinging pain from my latest inked!, I went to bed with a hope, "I wish my Divemaster was here"

My only consolation was Divemaster dropped a birthday greeting on FB. At least he remembers,

Divemaster becoming fulltime

dear blog,

i heard my Divemaster tendered his resignation today. no, he did not tell me. i heard it from a friend through a colleague through a friend.

i am sad.

it's just not me who's avoiding him. it works both ways, he is too. with him leaving PM, this means i will no longer see him. not even his car not even his desk. he will soon vanish in a poof! lose all trace of sentimental memories that tie to him. he's leaving, michelle.

he finally took the bold step. i am guessing he decided to become Divemaster/Underwaterphotographer full time, a dream he told me numerous times when we were together. or he could get married to that lawyer bitch of his and settle down in an island. well, i hope not....

according to Kübler-Ross model, people deal with these 5 stages when faced with tragedy or grief :

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance

6months has passed and i guess i'm in #4. what' strange with me, don't matter how badly i want to avoid him, at the back of my head, i know he is just 1 floor above me. though i don't see him, i don't talk to him, i know he will be upstairs at his desk noon onwards. that assurance is no longer valid soon. he's leaving, michelle.

i thought i'll build up courage, walk up to him and say goodbye when i leave (the least i could do...) but it doesn't matter anymore. he's leaving sooner than i am. and he didn't have the thought to tell me...

Stepping into Tiger Year

Tiger New Year 2010 came and gone in a whizz. I had a fabulous time, never reminiscing of Divemaster even once. I ate hard, slept hard, watch tv hard & repeat this whole vicious cycle hard! In a week, I gained back whatever depressive weight I lost during my depression days and plus 15kilograms. They're calling me a penguin now. happy feet...

All of a sudden, my heart feels heavy. Like all of a sudden. I'm sending my bro off tomorrow and till I see him again in what... Dec? All of a sudden, I feel this heavy pang leaving Dad. Seeing him waved goodbye at the door flashes through in my head, with his out-of-bed hair. All of sudden, I miss Mom. I want to record the sight of her waiting at the door the each time my car pulls into the driveway. 

All of a sudden I feel scared. I don't want to leave anymore. I don't want to be alone. I don't want it anymore. I want to pull out.

I fake to everyone my positivity & excitement. I told them, it's good for me! A change of environment will be good for me. I need to let go of Divemaster.

Now I am scared. It's hitting me.

Shit, I need to talk to someone. Someone level-headed. Knock some positivity & excitement back into my emotionally messed-up head.

p/s: Xweing, thks 4yer good wishes. I hope tis yr will be a good yr for us all.

Michelle thinks, " you better not let Mom catch you tearing. how is she gonna let you go with a peace of mind? you sensitive emotional idiot! "

   

Happy 30-something Birthday Divemaster

Last Friday was my DM's birthday. An Aquarius baby. Google says - Being steady in one relationship is not an Aquarian's cup of tea. There is always so much to discover, how can he remain tied to a few people only. Shit...why didn't I google him up earlier?

Last year I scoured the internet for weeks, finally found a hidden cupcake gem in Seapark and gave her specific details on how I want the birthday cake to be. The masterpiece below welled up tears in his eyes. Even I, myself was amazed how beautiful they turn out.

Michelle did not want to think much on that day. But fate has it, her hp beeps a reminder: Divemaster's Birthday. Dang!

Weekender - 30th Jan

My Divemaster is on the front page of Weekender today, in his cool shades. I saw it once, I saw it twice. Yes, it's my Divemaster in his classic uber-cool Oakley shot @sipadan.  
I told Mommy about it, she said,

so? what has that got to do with u? u still want to see him??

(silence....)

Blank look and I kept quiet.

fuvk it man, why does he get so many publicity shots in the Star? and he still looks so darn good-looking! Michelle secretly drools here ... http://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2010/1/30/lifefocus/5551663&sec=lifefocus

Hard to Say Goodbye

Do you ever get that heart tug, tummy queasy feeling the each time you say goodbye?

I do. The each time Daddy sees me off as I stepped into a taxi heading to KLIA. I know it's only gonna be a few days - but somehow I always get that jittery uneasiness. Looking out from the window, seeing my aged dad with his out-of-bed hair waving goodbye at the door, it's so hard for me to say goodbye.

Could it be my uber-sentimental Cancerian trait?

Mom came up and said, "you take care ah..."
I looked up and replied, "errr... yes I will. you two enjoy yourselves"

*jittery uneasy tummy queasy feeling

They're coming back in a few days, Michelle.

Michelle can't even bear to think coming March. How does she say goodbye knowing this trip won't just take a few days? Shit...she's gonna cry shit loads at the airport

The Year That Was, 2009

2009, the year that was. A mixture of emotions - laughter, joy, anger, hatred, sadness, betrayal and depression.

The year started out good, she had a chance in a lifetime to go see real snow!12hrs on board KLM and 2hrs on board TGV was worth every second. Walking down the cold, wet streets of Lausanne in search of lunch, brought her realism that the world is huge. The world does not revolve around Zouk & 1 Utama only. Watching blonde hair girls in fancy winter jackets and aged men sipping coffee in a thermostat warm cafes, showed her what a beautiful world God has created. 

She also accomplished her childhood dream of becoming a diver! What better way than to get certified in Mabul, one of Malaysia's most beautiful islands. Coincidentally, her course coincided with Valentine's day; a V-day she will remember for the rest of her life. Twinkling stars, cool sea breeze, rhythmic waves... what more a girl could ask for. She was indeed happy. A pure, sincerest form of joy.

A few overseas trip followed, though it didn't matter where... it was more about who. Many happy days were shared, times when she WAS his princess. Falling in love is such a strange phenomena; you act giddy & foolish, sometimes irrational not giving a shit on what's happening and all you want, is just be together. On Sunday mornings, he will snug up and say, "Beee, wake up... what do you feel like eating today?" "Pork noodles!", she'll yelled

Did anyone tell you all form of joy is temporary? No one told her, she learned it the hard way. Most painfully was the day at the airport, when she watched him turned his back and walked away from her. She knew at the back of her mind, she has lost him. He won't be coming back.

Alas, she survived the teary journey cab back home. Many more heart wrenching days followed, though she is still getting through the i-miss-him-so-much moments, time will help. It's coming in to the 4th month now, does anyone think she's getting better? chee tat?

2010 is just a running number. Nothing's special. But it is a time to forget the shit from the past and appreciate the future. She should forget the divemaster - the man whom she thought she can't live without - and move on. Mend her broken heart and move on.

Michelle wishes Happy New Year and hope 2010 will be a better year for her, her loved ones, her caring friends and for her Divemaster. Let's hope things won't work out with that bitch and he'll regret so badly he left Michelle

What Xmas '09 ?

5 more days till Xmas. Many of my colleagues have gone home - some ran to a beach with the kids, some gone back to the in-laws to have their annual get-together, some flew 1000km to sardine themselves at a posh nightspot and then, there are some... some who prefers to hide in her room accompanied by her virtual fishes from Fishville. Someone like moi...

Barely a year ago, Christmas was spent at Maya Hotel with unlimited DVD home movies. As I stared out of the window, mesmerized in awe by booming fireworks from Zouk, I told myself, " i'm the happiest girl in the whole wide world!" Wonderful colors illuminate our surroundings highlighting a "mr.red santa boxers" jiggling. I ate, I drank, I danced, I laughed, I gulp so much, I passed out on the couch - funny, every second still lingers fresh in my mind. But alas! All joy is temporary.

Michelle hopes mom will cook something nice for Xmas... perhaps bak kut teh might soothe my soul

Lunch & Learn with Walter

Walter: you can cry, you can sulk, you can be bitter all you want. but after sometime, you just have to let go and move on. far better things will come to you, bigger, greater - you just have to be patient. you create your own happiness, happiness don't just come to you ... (then he winks his eye at me)

Taufik: michelle....who ever the man gonna marry you, is very lucky. yes, shure. you're cute, smart...that man is gonna be so damn lucky. 

Remarks I hear from unassuming people who has no farking idea what I'm going through - sincere, honest remarks.

Michelle thinks her Divemaster isn't going to be that lucky man.

i saw my Divemaster part2!

A few days ago, i saw my Divemaster's car. Today i saw him in flesh - all 1.8m of him, in my fav pink striped shirt with his Adidas black sneakers. He came down to my floor to pass me a hat.

"Hey... (chuck a hat to my hand)"

And he left.

2mins. No... 30sec. I see him in flesh, in person for 30sec. I've last seen him in flesh since that medical exam day. Today i saw my Divemaster again. Same after effects. Moody, irrational, hid in the toilet, shortness of breath, giddy. i couldn't fuckin get a hang of myself. i was slurring to my boss when he ask me about blanks layout.

called uncle, told him i saw Divemaster in flesh, and he replied, "so? woman! get a grip!"

Michelle is getting better. Or she hopes so. At least, when she hid in the toilet, she did not cry. Just immensely gazillion heartache.

Car Move

i was crossing the road. i turned to the right, like what you always do when crossing a road - you turn to the right, left, then right again, guess what i saw? a silver Nissan Sentra zoomed pass. WPC 8308

omg. my Divemaster's car. i didn't catch his face. i only see a dark windscreen. his Ministry of Diving bumper sticker still stuck on the back. did he see me? could he be looking at me from the rear mirror?

my mood went downhill after that. moody, irrational and snappy. i sat in a dark corner and finished 2 packs of ciggs. now my throat is hurting. i am in a mess.

Michelle doesnt get it. why does she keep hurting herself? the mere puny sight of ANYTHING that links to the Divemaster throws her into rollercoaster hell. fuck it la. she give up on herself. she's gonna unload her exploding mails. 

 

3month survival

Emily gave me a fridge magnet. Something which I did not expect, realising that we've met only twice! For good or bad, her magnet drills truth into my stubborn head. On a oak squarish plague, in brown it reads,

there is TWO sides to every story, his side... AND THE TRUTH

I have no idea where that woman found it, but thank god she did for it sure rings a bitter fact.

To the strangers and bored people who spend time reading my blog, i have passed the 90day-no-calling-rule. Today marks 3months since he said, "my feelings for you has faded..."

I've survived the 90-day-no-calling rule. I did not initiate any contact - no calls, no sms, no FB message. Should I go whopee now??

funny as it may seem, stupid as it is, how impossible as it may be, michelle is still hoping her divemaster would come up to her and say, "bee? i'm sorry... i've been a jackass. will u forgive me?" fuck that crap. michelle is hopelesss!

everything a girl didn't know

I know where my Divemaster is today. 4 months ago itself, I knew where he will be today. He is in Pulau Mabul, the beautiful island off Sabah.

When things were nice & dandy, he was supposed to be participating in Asean Diver's underwater photography competition. 6D/5N of fun, intensive, challenging activities. He was excited and looking forward to it. I could see it in his big brown eyes.

But things aren't so nice now. Things are dark & gloomy. No longer entering the competition, he is now frolicking under the stars with his new girl; the lawyer. Perhaps as I am writing this, he is romancing her with melodious words, gently caressed by the calming sea breeze and will probably end up fuckin her on that single mattress.

Here I am, sitting here 1000 miles away in front of my blog post. Swollen teary eyes - i hate my Divemaster for being so cruel. Hurt at the fact he is hugging another woman's in his arms. My dead heart is being sliced in every passing second. I miss my jackass Divemaster and wishes none of this happened. I wish I am the girl in Mabul frolicking under the stars.

In between her sobs & a blocked nose, Michelle is humming what's the use of crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile...

I just haven't met you yet

i have been holding on to the "90-day no calling rule" pretty well. today marks my 75th day. guess, i've been pretty strong huh? u don't know how hard is it for me to carry through. i miss him so much. there has been so many times i just want to press the call button. call my Divemaster and tell him i miss him. so many freggin times. and each bloody time, i end up soaking my whole pillow for not having the guts to press. u don't know how difficult is it for me.

i feel all the emotions. i see all the signs. just like how i was when rodney left me. depressed. what made it even worse, when i heard the sad news. my best friend is going through a rough time. much more painful than mine. i could do nothing to help, but to remind her i'm always there for her. i love her down to the very single bit.

i draw negativity from what's happening around. somehow, i consciously allow it to pile into my depression. it's like i want to be depressed. i willingly choose to put myself in gloom.

Bo commented i look cute. Bo, that cute filipino hottie who looks slightly like j.timberlake. he said i'm this cute girl on the 15th flr with a husky voice. aaah, sure, feels good to be complimented. especially from someone as hot as Bo..... damn, i'm too messed up. i still feel like shit even if George Clooney says i'm cute.

fuckk. arun describes im in an emotional mess. damn he's bloody right. i am pathetic, miserable and depressed.

Michelle can't sleep...and she's depressed writing this..

Courtesy of Richard Wilkinson--

i'm gonna remember 10 Nov 09

i received news today, someone dear to my best friend has passed away.

i had a crappy day at work. my mat salleh director ignored me. treated as if i was invisible. and to his cheek, without me, he won't get all those good words for our new product launches! bloody arrogant bastard.. i also had the longest, most intense, multiple back stabbing meeting ever.

this couple with that, just broke me down. i cried again. hunched on my bed, in my smelly office wear, i cried out loud as my heart ached in agony. my finger was on speed dial#2. i want to call Divemaster. i want to hear his voice. tell him, i miss you babyyyyyy. i miss you so much. what wrong have i done to make you stop loving me? what in me that drive you to find another woman? i miss you baby. i need you... i need you. can you come back? please...?

i never made that call. i called arun instead. cried to him over the phone, tell him how much i miss Divemaster. tell him how i hate myself when i have such a loving family & friends who care for me but yet i still succumb to the devil - lose my dignity, lose my faith, lose my energy.

Michelle hates herself twice as much - for falling in love with her Divemaster and for not getting back up when she fell

I got back my red pump shoes

Divemaster ask me to pick up all my stuff from his place. He hates me so much he doesn't even want to see anything of mine. I asked a colleague to help me. I don't have the courage nor the strength to see him again. That same handsome face I fell in love has turned into a lying jackass. I don't dare to see anymore.

As I sit in my room, slowly unpacking my belongings he hastily chuck into this big red hideous bag, I felt a wave of sadness... my clothes still smell of his cupboard. As I quietly sniff the scent, I remember how he allocated a huge portion of his cupboard for my clothes. As I took out my cosmetics, I remember how he cleared up his bookshelf for me to dump my vanity products. As I unpacked my toiletries, I remember how he always arranged my shampoo in upright position next to his. I left much more than my clothes, cosmetics & toiletries at his place. I left memories of pure, innocent love which no amount of LV bags can be traded for.

I sat in my room staring at my stuff. Tears started to flow, slowly trickling onto my sweaty office shirt... and I couldn't stop crying.

Michelle reminds herself never to cry for the Divemaster anymore, but the Divemaster always seem to win.

Waking Up Everyday to Heartache

its so hard to get through the days. i consciously remind myself my pain. images of Divemaster frolicking in the sun with his new lawyer GF hurts me like hell.

i am at the lowest point in life. i dont know what to do. i cant eat, cant sleep, cant work, cant fuckin do anything!

all i can do is stare out at the window

Michelle's heart hurts in continuous pain. Why did she fell so much in love with Divemaster? :-'(

Betrayal at its Best Form!

the truth is finally revealed.

the secret is out.

my Divemaster dump me for another girl. and he was already WITH that girl even before dumping me.

all i know is the girl has short hair. he opened his mail, showed her picture to all the divers in Mabul and bragged about this is his new girl. and he put on a pitied face, telling them he is going to dump me.

u lied to me straight in my face. i asked u, if there is someone else. u raised ur voice, swear to God and said NO! u said your feelings has faded. u said this is the truth. when i insisited, u raised your voice even louder, and said, "u want me to lie to you and say i have another girl just so u feel better izzit!?"

so i believe what u said.

but u lied to me, Divemaster. u fucking lied to me in my face!

why must he do this? why must he hurt me so cruelly? if he doesnt like me, why court me in the first place? why lead me into love & hope, and move on to another woman? why? how can he do such a thing to me? why must he lie to me? why must he cheat on me?

words dont do justice to the pain i am feeling. i feel hurt & betrayed. my heart is broken, trampled again and again. bit by bit, i find out his nasty secrets he did.

am i not good enough? i dont make him happy enough?

i am crying in sorrow here, while he is having fancy dinners with his new girl. calling her at late at night, wishing her lovey good nights - which was exactly what he did for me few months back.

u're a player. and u are so good in ur tactics - u introduced me to your Mom, brought me into your circle of friends, spread the word in Marketing, spend time & effort grooming me into a diver, shower me with love & attention, took me for romantic holidays, make me laugh with ur silly antics... i didnt catch any flaws. i trusted u completely. i gave u my heart.

u did far too much to be a player. but u ARE a player. a real, damn, professional player.

my heart aches in so much agony. i dont know what to do anymore - i can't carry on living. the man of my life killed me, far worse than any psychopathic serial murderers.

what did Michelle do to deserve such inhumane treatment?

Lighting up the Festival

Today is Deepavali. If things were right, I'd be in Penang meeting his dad, brother & sista. And I'd have the chance to taste his granny's much-talk-about thosai.

I don't care how many times Ben & Jan tell me that he doesn't deserve me, I still miss him dearly. Much more than his hugs, his kisses and his char siew fan lunches, I miss him voice. I can't remember what it's like to hear him call me beee.

Michelle still misses her Divemaster. And it pains her, that it reminded her so much of him when she met Ben tonight over a couple of o~kao.