What Do You Remember about 2010?

Reubs asked me this a couple of days ago. "2010 was nice to me. I got a niece, I got a new job, I went to Bali, yeah, it was nice..."


Back to me. What do I remember about 2010?

• I went to live & work abroad, thats major
• I celebrated my first year break-up by sending an uber, long sensitive email to Divemaster which up till today, I didn't get no reply  
• I got a few nice tatts, all in hope to forget Divemaster
• I went to Boracay, where the sand is so fluffy I could die
• I read 'Tuesday's with Morrie' and am enlightened to cherish what truly matters in life

5 points. Thats all I remember. And 2/5 concerns Divemaster. Not bad in pursuit of recovery?


I came to realization that Kubler Ross 5-stage model isn't really foolproof. I will never reach Level5 (Acceptance) and I realize I will never forget Divemaster. The wounds will never heal. Through time, what is actually happening, I begin to think less of him. Less staring at his pictures, less replaying the wonderful memories, less pretending he's coming back. Lesser and lesser.


That's what I've become. Lesser and lesser of him, More and more of family. Mom, Dad, the spoilt Bro will be the pillars of strength. Every morning, I wake up, I brush my hair, I see their strength inked on my shoulder.


Goodbye 2010, it wasn't such a great year, but it wasn't that bad either. No complains from moi. Hope I'll get to meet some decent-looking guys in 2011 because I'm getting tired of not having anyone to go to movies with! 

Somewhere in my parallel universe

(smart ass pic-text, but hits me right there)



Is Man-liness dead?

i made an observation

guys from this part of the world are wussies. sissys. nimpsies. every nice-looking guy i see will be clutching a girl's hand - tall, short, plump, thin, pimply, old, young, smooth, mole-y, naive, slutty, loud, timid, dumb, dumber - girls from the whole spectrum

and i see big, beefy guys clutching tiny ugly-looking handbags while their dumb gfs swing their butts like golf sticks.

sissys. are there no real men here ?

disappointing. i miss my Divemaster, he will show them what a "man" is

Michelle will just adopt a dog -

michelle joins, Tuesdays with Morrie

"Learn how to die, and you learn how to live"

So true, so profound ...

Enlightened is me -

Being Happy on your own

" to be dependant on someone's love or happiness is never healthy "

in order to achieve happiness within me - solely by me, i want to:

1. learn how to cook
2. travel the world, eat exotic foods, observe strange culture
3. photo-document my travels
4. emphasize more on how i look, just so i feel confident looking in the mirror
5. more reading, less TV
6. constantly express love to mom, dad & brother that they're everything to me
7. have the courage one day to delete Divemaster's picture from my phone

michelle forgot how to be genuinely happy on her own -

Cravings of Banana Leaf & Mango Lassi

It's one of those nights when I'm sentimental again.


FB is a door to emo-michelle. And I never seem to learn, for I always am somehow lead back to that evil door, opening tonnes of depressing memories.


Browsed through lovey-dovey, cutesy pictures of Von & his model gf. We double-date quite a bit and Divemaster used to say Von is just fooling around. Baah! 
Look who's fooling around? Von just went on a hot vacation @Nusa Dua and Divemaster left me a year ago. You see? You see the things I put myself into?


Now I'm all emo, sitting alone in my room, polluting my lungs, wishing I was back in Nov.  Gaah.


I need a diversion. Something to distract me.

Michelle misses her first date at Vishal -

Selamat Harijadi Michelle

I am 27 today, wow... 27. I am getting old. I didn't want this day to come, let it be, let it slide, as normal as Thursdays can be. Thoughts of yesteryears creep in as 8th July approaches. I told no one, but I was supposed to be at Rainforest Music Festival,Swak this year. Supposed to be my birthday gift.

All I wanted for my birthday is to see Divemaster in flesh.

Dear Blog,
It's coming up to a year now - since Divemaster left. You will think I'm getting better, wouldn't you? I tell myself that too sometimes. I can say I'm no longer that wreck of shit last year, who hides in a corner and cry till my eye veins pop.

Yet I still keep his picture in my phone, occasionally whips out to look at it whenever I see something that reminds me of him. Just the other day, I saw a banner that says "Dive Now, Work Later". It was his motto, something which he always tells me. And there I was staring at my phone forever.

I can't let go. I'm stucked and I can't climb out.

How long is it going to take? 2yrs? 5 yrs? Baah..I'm gonna be a wrinkled spinster !

A first birthday in the Philippines was nice. The office threw me a surprise party (I was really caught surprise!) with 2cakes, pizza & ice cream. Everyone treated me super awfully nice. Everyone wanted to hug me even my giant Brazilian director, "Birthday Girl! C'mere and give me a hug! Happy Birthday u!". Walter called me all the way from Indonesia. Woah. How's that?

Once a year - Obligation.

At the end of the night, after a few mango shakes & stinging pain from my latest inked!, I went to bed with a hope, "I wish my Divemaster was here"

My only consolation was Divemaster dropped a birthday greeting on FB. At least he remembers,

Divemaster becoming fulltime

dear blog,

i heard my Divemaster tendered his resignation today. no, he did not tell me. i heard it from a friend through a colleague through a friend.

i am sad.

it's just not me who's avoiding him. it works both ways, he is too. with him leaving PM, this means i will no longer see him. not even his car not even his desk. he will soon vanish in a poof! lose all trace of sentimental memories that tie to him. he's leaving, michelle.

he finally took the bold step. i am guessing he decided to become Divemaster/Underwaterphotographer full time, a dream he told me numerous times when we were together. or he could get married to that lawyer bitch of his and settle down in an island. well, i hope not....

according to Kübler-Ross model, people deal with these 5 stages when faced with tragedy or grief :

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance

6months has passed and i guess i'm in #4. what' strange with me, don't matter how badly i want to avoid him, at the back of my head, i know he is just 1 floor above me. though i don't see him, i don't talk to him, i know he will be upstairs at his desk noon onwards. that assurance is no longer valid soon. he's leaving, michelle.

i thought i'll build up courage, walk up to him and say goodbye when i leave (the least i could do...) but it doesn't matter anymore. he's leaving sooner than i am. and he didn't have the thought to tell me...

Stepping into Tiger Year

Tiger New Year 2010 came and gone in a whizz. I had a fabulous time, never reminiscing of Divemaster even once. I ate hard, slept hard, watch tv hard & repeat this whole vicious cycle hard! In a week, I gained back whatever depressive weight I lost during my depression days and plus 15kilograms. They're calling me a penguin now. happy feet...

All of a sudden, my heart feels heavy. Like all of a sudden. I'm sending my bro off tomorrow and till I see him again in what... Dec? All of a sudden, I feel this heavy pang leaving Dad. Seeing him waved goodbye at the door flashes through in my head, with his out-of-bed hair. All of sudden, I miss Mom. I want to record the sight of her waiting at the door the each time my car pulls into the driveway. 

All of a sudden I feel scared. I don't want to leave anymore. I don't want to be alone. I don't want it anymore. I want to pull out.

I fake to everyone my positivity & excitement. I told them, it's good for me! A change of environment will be good for me. I need to let go of Divemaster.

Now I am scared. It's hitting me.

Shit, I need to talk to someone. Someone level-headed. Knock some positivity & excitement back into my emotionally messed-up head.

p/s: Xweing, thks 4yer good wishes. I hope tis yr will be a good yr for us all.

Michelle thinks, " you better not let Mom catch you tearing. how is she gonna let you go with a peace of mind? you sensitive emotional idiot! "

   

Happy 30-something Birthday Divemaster

Last Friday was my DM's birthday. An Aquarius baby. Google says - Being steady in one relationship is not an Aquarian's cup of tea. There is always so much to discover, how can he remain tied to a few people only. Shit...why didn't I google him up earlier?

Last year I scoured the internet for weeks, finally found a hidden cupcake gem in Seapark and gave her specific details on how I want the birthday cake to be. The masterpiece below welled up tears in his eyes. Even I, myself was amazed how beautiful they turn out.

Michelle did not want to think much on that day. But fate has it, her hp beeps a reminder: Divemaster's Birthday. Dang!

Weekender - 30th Jan

My Divemaster is on the front page of Weekender today, in his cool shades. I saw it once, I saw it twice. Yes, it's my Divemaster in his classic uber-cool Oakley shot @sipadan.  
I told Mommy about it, she said,

so? what has that got to do with u? u still want to see him??

(silence....)

Blank look and I kept quiet.

fuvk it man, why does he get so many publicity shots in the Star? and he still looks so darn good-looking! Michelle secretly drools here ... http://www.thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2010/1/30/lifefocus/5551663&sec=lifefocus

Hard to Say Goodbye

Do you ever get that heart tug, tummy queasy feeling the each time you say goodbye?

I do. The each time Daddy sees me off as I stepped into a taxi heading to KLIA. I know it's only gonna be a few days - but somehow I always get that jittery uneasiness. Looking out from the window, seeing my aged dad with his out-of-bed hair waving goodbye at the door, it's so hard for me to say goodbye.

Could it be my uber-sentimental Cancerian trait?

Mom came up and said, "you take care ah..."
I looked up and replied, "errr... yes I will. you two enjoy yourselves"

*jittery uneasy tummy queasy feeling

They're coming back in a few days, Michelle.

Michelle can't even bear to think coming March. How does she say goodbye knowing this trip won't just take a few days? Shit...she's gonna cry shit loads at the airport

The Year That Was, 2009

2009, the year that was. A mixture of emotions - laughter, joy, anger, hatred, sadness, betrayal and depression.

The year started out good, she had a chance in a lifetime to go see real snow!12hrs on board KLM and 2hrs on board TGV was worth every second. Walking down the cold, wet streets of Lausanne in search of lunch, brought her realism that the world is huge. The world does not revolve around Zouk & 1 Utama only. Watching blonde hair girls in fancy winter jackets and aged men sipping coffee in a thermostat warm cafes, showed her what a beautiful world God has created. 

She also accomplished her childhood dream of becoming a diver! What better way than to get certified in Mabul, one of Malaysia's most beautiful islands. Coincidentally, her course coincided with Valentine's day; a V-day she will remember for the rest of her life. Twinkling stars, cool sea breeze, rhythmic waves... what more a girl could ask for. She was indeed happy. A pure, sincerest form of joy.

A few overseas trip followed, though it didn't matter where... it was more about who. Many happy days were shared, times when she WAS his princess. Falling in love is such a strange phenomena; you act giddy & foolish, sometimes irrational not giving a shit on what's happening and all you want, is just be together. On Sunday mornings, he will snug up and say, "Beee, wake up... what do you feel like eating today?" "Pork noodles!", she'll yelled

Did anyone tell you all form of joy is temporary? No one told her, she learned it the hard way. Most painfully was the day at the airport, when she watched him turned his back and walked away from her. She knew at the back of her mind, she has lost him. He won't be coming back.

Alas, she survived the teary journey cab back home. Many more heart wrenching days followed, though she is still getting through the i-miss-him-so-much moments, time will help. It's coming in to the 4th month now, does anyone think she's getting better? chee tat?

2010 is just a running number. Nothing's special. But it is a time to forget the shit from the past and appreciate the future. She should forget the divemaster - the man whom she thought she can't live without - and move on. Mend her broken heart and move on.

Michelle wishes Happy New Year and hope 2010 will be a better year for her, her loved ones, her caring friends and for her Divemaster. Let's hope things won't work out with that bitch and he'll regret so badly he left Michelle

What Xmas '09 ?

5 more days till Xmas. Many of my colleagues have gone home - some ran to a beach with the kids, some gone back to the in-laws to have their annual get-together, some flew 1000km to sardine themselves at a posh nightspot and then, there are some... some who prefers to hide in her room accompanied by her virtual fishes from Fishville. Someone like moi...

Barely a year ago, Christmas was spent at Maya Hotel with unlimited DVD home movies. As I stared out of the window, mesmerized in awe by booming fireworks from Zouk, I told myself, " i'm the happiest girl in the whole wide world!" Wonderful colors illuminate our surroundings highlighting a "mr.red santa boxers" jiggling. I ate, I drank, I danced, I laughed, I gulp so much, I passed out on the couch - funny, every second still lingers fresh in my mind. But alas! All joy is temporary.

Michelle hopes mom will cook something nice for Xmas... perhaps bak kut teh might soothe my soul

Lunch & Learn with Walter

Walter: you can cry, you can sulk, you can be bitter all you want. but after sometime, you just have to let go and move on. far better things will come to you, bigger, greater - you just have to be patient. you create your own happiness, happiness don't just come to you ... (then he winks his eye at me)

Taufik: michelle....who ever the man gonna marry you, is very lucky. yes, shure. you're cute, smart...that man is gonna be so damn lucky. 

Remarks I hear from unassuming people who has no farking idea what I'm going through - sincere, honest remarks.

Michelle thinks her Divemaster isn't going to be that lucky man.

i saw my Divemaster part2!

A few days ago, i saw my Divemaster's car. Today i saw him in flesh - all 1.8m of him, in my fav pink striped shirt with his Adidas black sneakers. He came down to my floor to pass me a hat.

"Hey... (chuck a hat to my hand)"

And he left.

2mins. No... 30sec. I see him in flesh, in person for 30sec. I've last seen him in flesh since that medical exam day. Today i saw my Divemaster again. Same after effects. Moody, irrational, hid in the toilet, shortness of breath, giddy. i couldn't fuckin get a hang of myself. i was slurring to my boss when he ask me about blanks layout.

called uncle, told him i saw Divemaster in flesh, and he replied, "so? woman! get a grip!"

Michelle is getting better. Or she hopes so. At least, when she hid in the toilet, she did not cry. Just immensely gazillion heartache.

Car Move

i was crossing the road. i turned to the right, like what you always do when crossing a road - you turn to the right, left, then right again, guess what i saw? a silver Nissan Sentra zoomed pass. WPC 8308

omg. my Divemaster's car. i didn't catch his face. i only see a dark windscreen. his Ministry of Diving bumper sticker still stuck on the back. did he see me? could he be looking at me from the rear mirror?

my mood went downhill after that. moody, irrational and snappy. i sat in a dark corner and finished 2 packs of ciggs. now my throat is hurting. i am in a mess.

Michelle doesnt get it. why does she keep hurting herself? the mere puny sight of ANYTHING that links to the Divemaster throws her into rollercoaster hell. fuck it la. she give up on herself. she's gonna unload her exploding mails. 

 

3month survival

Emily gave me a fridge magnet. Something which I did not expect, realising that we've met only twice! For good or bad, her magnet drills truth into my stubborn head. On a oak squarish plague, in brown it reads,

there is TWO sides to every story, his side... AND THE TRUTH

I have no idea where that woman found it, but thank god she did for it sure rings a bitter fact.

To the strangers and bored people who spend time reading my blog, i have passed the 90day-no-calling-rule. Today marks 3months since he said, "my feelings for you has faded..."

I've survived the 90-day-no-calling rule. I did not initiate any contact - no calls, no sms, no FB message. Should I go whopee now??

funny as it may seem, stupid as it is, how impossible as it may be, michelle is still hoping her divemaster would come up to her and say, "bee? i'm sorry... i've been a jackass. will u forgive me?" fuck that crap. michelle is hopelesss!

everything a girl didn't know

I know where my Divemaster is today. 4 months ago itself, I knew where he will be today. He is in Pulau Mabul, the beautiful island off Sabah.

When things were nice & dandy, he was supposed to be participating in Asean Diver's underwater photography competition. 6D/5N of fun, intensive, challenging activities. He was excited and looking forward to it. I could see it in his big brown eyes.

But things aren't so nice now. Things are dark & gloomy. No longer entering the competition, he is now frolicking under the stars with his new girl; the lawyer. Perhaps as I am writing this, he is romancing her with melodious words, gently caressed by the calming sea breeze and will probably end up fuckin her on that single mattress.

Here I am, sitting here 1000 miles away in front of my blog post. Swollen teary eyes - i hate my Divemaster for being so cruel. Hurt at the fact he is hugging another woman's in his arms. My dead heart is being sliced in every passing second. I miss my jackass Divemaster and wishes none of this happened. I wish I am the girl in Mabul frolicking under the stars.

In between her sobs & a blocked nose, Michelle is humming what's the use of crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile...

I just haven't met you yet

i have been holding on to the "90-day no calling rule" pretty well. today marks my 75th day. guess, i've been pretty strong huh? u don't know how hard is it for me to carry through. i miss him so much. there has been so many times i just want to press the call button. call my Divemaster and tell him i miss him. so many freggin times. and each bloody time, i end up soaking my whole pillow for not having the guts to press. u don't know how difficult is it for me.

i feel all the emotions. i see all the signs. just like how i was when rodney left me. depressed. what made it even worse, when i heard the sad news. my best friend is going through a rough time. much more painful than mine. i could do nothing to help, but to remind her i'm always there for her. i love her down to the very single bit.

i draw negativity from what's happening around. somehow, i consciously allow it to pile into my depression. it's like i want to be depressed. i willingly choose to put myself in gloom.

Bo commented i look cute. Bo, that cute filipino hottie who looks slightly like j.timberlake. he said i'm this cute girl on the 15th flr with a husky voice. aaah, sure, feels good to be complimented. especially from someone as hot as Bo..... damn, i'm too messed up. i still feel like shit even if George Clooney says i'm cute.

fuckk. arun describes im in an emotional mess. damn he's bloody right. i am pathetic, miserable and depressed.

Michelle can't sleep...and she's depressed writing this..

Courtesy of Richard Wilkinson--