What Xmas '09 ?

5 more days till Xmas. Many of my colleagues have gone home - some ran to a beach with the kids, some gone back to the in-laws to have their annual get-together, some flew 1000km to sardine themselves at a posh nightspot and then, there are some... some who prefers to hide in her room accompanied by her virtual fishes from Fishville. Someone like moi...

Barely a year ago, Christmas was spent at Maya Hotel with unlimited DVD home movies. As I stared out of the window, mesmerized in awe by booming fireworks from Zouk, I told myself, " i'm the happiest girl in the whole wide world!" Wonderful colors illuminate our surroundings highlighting a "mr.red santa boxers" jiggling. I ate, I drank, I danced, I laughed, I gulp so much, I passed out on the couch - funny, every second still lingers fresh in my mind. But alas! All joy is temporary.

Michelle hopes mom will cook something nice for Xmas... perhaps bak kut teh might soothe my soul

Lunch & Learn with Walter

Walter: you can cry, you can sulk, you can be bitter all you want. but after sometime, you just have to let go and move on. far better things will come to you, bigger, greater - you just have to be patient. you create your own happiness, happiness don't just come to you ... (then he winks his eye at me)

Taufik: michelle....who ever the man gonna marry you, is very lucky. yes, shure. you're cute, smart...that man is gonna be so damn lucky. 

Remarks I hear from unassuming people who has no farking idea what I'm going through - sincere, honest remarks.

Michelle thinks her Divemaster isn't going to be that lucky man.

i saw my Divemaster part2!

A few days ago, i saw my Divemaster's car. Today i saw him in flesh - all 1.8m of him, in my fav pink striped shirt with his Adidas black sneakers. He came down to my floor to pass me a hat.

"Hey... (chuck a hat to my hand)"

And he left.

2mins. No... 30sec. I see him in flesh, in person for 30sec. I've last seen him in flesh since that medical exam day. Today i saw my Divemaster again. Same after effects. Moody, irrational, hid in the toilet, shortness of breath, giddy. i couldn't fuckin get a hang of myself. i was slurring to my boss when he ask me about blanks layout.

called uncle, told him i saw Divemaster in flesh, and he replied, "so? woman! get a grip!"

Michelle is getting better. Or she hopes so. At least, when she hid in the toilet, she did not cry. Just immensely gazillion heartache.

Car Move

i was crossing the road. i turned to the right, like what you always do when crossing a road - you turn to the right, left, then right again, guess what i saw? a silver Nissan Sentra zoomed pass. WPC 8308

omg. my Divemaster's car. i didn't catch his face. i only see a dark windscreen. his Ministry of Diving bumper sticker still stuck on the back. did he see me? could he be looking at me from the rear mirror?

my mood went downhill after that. moody, irrational and snappy. i sat in a dark corner and finished 2 packs of ciggs. now my throat is hurting. i am in a mess.

Michelle doesnt get it. why does she keep hurting herself? the mere puny sight of ANYTHING that links to the Divemaster throws her into rollercoaster hell. fuck it la. she give up on herself. she's gonna unload her exploding mails.