20 December 2009

What Xmas '09 ?

5 more days till Xmas. Many of my colleagues have gone home - some ran to a beach with the kids, some gone back to the in-laws to have their annual get-together, some flew 1000km to sardine themselves at a posh nightspot and then, there are some... some who prefers to hide in her room accompanied by her virtual fishes from Fishville. Someone like moi...

Barely a year ago, Christmas was spent at Maya Hotel with unlimited DVD home movies. As I stared out of the window, mesmerized in awe by booming fireworks from Zouk, I told myself, " i'm the happiest girl in the whole wide world!" Wonderful colors illuminate our surroundings highlighting a "mr.red santa boxers" jiggling. I ate, I drank, I danced, I laughed, I gulp so much, I passed out on the couch - funny, every second still lingers fresh in my mind. But alas! All joy is temporary.

Michelle hopes mom will cook something nice for Xmas... perhaps bak kut teh might soothe my soul

12 December 2009

Lunch & Learn with Walter

Walter: you can cry, you can sulk, you can be bitter all you want. but after sometime, you just have to let go and move on. far better things will come to you, bigger, greater - you just have to be patient. you create your own happiness, happiness don't just come to you ... (then he winks his eye at me)

Taufik: michelle....who ever the man gonna marry you, is very lucky. yes, shure. you're cute, smart...that man is gonna be so damn lucky. 

Remarks I hear from unassuming people who has no farking idea what I'm going through - sincere, honest remarks.

Michelle thinks her Divemaster isn't going to be that lucky man.

08 December 2009

i saw my Divemaster part2!

A few days ago, i saw my Divemaster's car. Today i saw him in flesh - all 1.8m of him, in my fav pink striped shirt with his Adidas black sneakers. He came down to my floor to pass me a hat.

"Hey... (chuck a hat to my hand)"

And he left.

2mins. No... 30sec. I see him in flesh, in person for 30sec. I've last seen him in flesh since that medical exam day. Today i saw my Divemaster again. Same after effects. Moody, irrational, hid in the toilet, shortness of breath, giddy. i couldn't fuckin get a hang of myself. i was slurring to my boss when he ask me about blanks layout.

called uncle, told him i saw Divemaster in flesh, and he replied, "so? woman! get a grip!"

Michelle is getting better. Or she hopes so. At least, when she hid in the toilet, she did not cry. Just immensely gazillion heartache.

04 December 2009

Car Move

i was crossing the road. i turned to the right, like what you always do when crossing a road - you turn to the right, left, then right again, guess what i saw? a silver Nissan Sentra zoomed pass. WPC 8308

omg. my Divemaster's car. i didn't catch his face. i only see a dark windscreen. his Ministry of Diving bumper sticker still stuck on the back. did he see me? could he be looking at me from the rear mirror?

my mood went downhill after that. moody, irrational and snappy. i sat in a dark corner and finished 2 packs of ciggs. now my throat is hurting. i am in a mess.

Michelle doesnt get it. why does she keep hurting herself? the mere puny sight of ANYTHING that links to the Divemaster throws her into rollercoaster hell. fuck it la. she give up on herself. she's gonna unload her exploding mails. 


30 November 2009

3month survival

Emily gave me a fridge magnet. Something which I did not expect, realising that we've met only twice! For good or bad, her magnet drills truth into my stubborn head. On a oak squarish plague, in brown it reads,
there is TWO sides to every story, his side... AND THE TRUTH
I have no idea where that woman found it, but thank god she did for it sure rings a bitter fact.

To the strangers and bored people who spend time reading my blog, i have passed the 90day-no-calling-rule. Today marks 3months since he said, "my feelings for you has faded..."

I've survived the 90-day-no-calling rule. I did not initiate any contact - no calls, no sms, no FB message. Should I go whopee now??

funny as it may seem, stupid as it is, how impossible as it may be, michelle is still hoping her divemaster would come up to her and say, "bee? i'm sorry... i've been a jackass. will u forgive me?" fuck that crap. michelle is hopelesss!

18 November 2009

everything a girl didn't know

I know where my Divemaster is today. 4 months ago itself, I knew where he will be today. He is in Pulau Mabul, the beautiful island off Sabah.

When things were nice & dandy, he was supposed to be participating in Asean Diver's underwater photography competition. 6D/5N of fun, intensive, challenging activities. He was excited and looking forward to it. I could see it in his big brown eyes.

But things aren't so nice now. Things are dark & gloomy. No longer entering the competition, he is now frolicking under the stars with his new girl; the lawyer. Perhaps as I am writing this, he is romancing her with melodious words, gently caressed by the calming sea breeze and will probably end up fuckin her on that single mattress.

Here I am, sitting here 1000 miles away in front of my blog post. Swollen teary eyes - i hate my Divemaster for being so cruel. Hurt at the fact he is hugging another woman's in his arms. My dead heart is being sliced in every passing second. I miss my jackass Divemaster and wishes none of this happened. I wish I am the girl in Mabul frolicking under the stars.

In between her sobs & a blocked nose, Michelle is humming what's the use of crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile...

14 November 2009

I just haven't met you yet

i have been holding on to the "90-day no calling rule" pretty well. today marks my 75th day. guess, i've been pretty strong huh? u don't know how hard is it for me to carry through. i miss him so much. there has been so many times i just want to press the call button. call my Divemaster and tell him i miss him. so many freggin times. and each bloody time, i end up soaking my whole pillow for not having the guts to press. u don't know how difficult is it for me.

i feel all the emotions. i see all the signs. just like how i was when rodney left me. depressed. what made it even worse, when i heard the sad news. my best friend is going through a rough time. much more painful than mine. i could do nothing to help, but to remind her i'm always there for her. i love her down to the very single bit.

i draw negativity from what's happening around. somehow, i consciously allow it to pile into my depression. it's like i want to be depressed. i willingly choose to put myself in gloom.

Bo commented i look cute. Bo, that cute filipino hottie who looks slightly like j.timberlake. he said i'm this cute girl on the 15th flr with a husky voice. aaah, sure, feels good to be complimented. especially from someone as hot as Bo..... damn, i'm too messed up. i still feel like shit even if George Clooney says i'm cute.

fuckk. arun describes im in an emotional mess. damn he's bloody right. i am pathetic, miserable and depressed.

Michelle can't sleep...and she's depressed writing this..
Courtesy of Richard Wilkinson--

10 November 2009

i'm gonna remember 10 Nov 09

i received news today, someone dear to my best friend has passed away.

i had a crappy day at work. my mat salleh director ignored me. treated as if i was invisible. and to his cheek, without me, he won't get all those good words for our new product launches! bloody arrogant bastard.. i also had the longest, most intense, multiple back stabbing meeting ever.

this couple with that, just broke me down. i cried again. hunched on my bed, in my smelly office wear, i cried out loud as my heart ached in agony. my finger was on speed dial#2. i want to call Divemaster. i want to hear his voice. tell him, i miss you babyyyyyy. i miss you so much. what wrong have i done to make you stop loving me? what in me that drive you to find another woman? i miss you baby. i need you... i need you. can you come back? please...?

i never made that call. i called arun instead. cried to him over the phone, tell him how much i miss Divemaster. tell him how i hate myself when i have such a loving family & friends who care for me but yet i still succumb to the devil - lose my dignity, lose my faith, lose my energy.

Michelle hates herself twice as much - for falling in love with her Divemaster and for not getting back up when she fell

28 October 2009

I got back my red pump shoes

Divemaster ask me to pick up all my stuff from his place. He hates me so much he doesn't even want to see anything of mine. I asked a colleague to help me. I don't have the courage nor the strength to see him again. That same handsome face I fell in love has turned into a lying jackass. I don't dare to see anymore.

As I sit in my room, slowly unpacking my belongings he hastily chuck into this big red hideous bag, I felt a wave of sadness... my clothes still smell of his cupboard. As I quietly sniff the scent, I remember how he allocated a huge portion of his cupboard for my clothes. As I took out my cosmetics, I remember how he cleared up his bookshelf for me to dump my vanity products. As I unpacked my toiletries, I remember how he always arranged my shampoo in upright position next to his. I left much more than my clothes, cosmetics & toiletries at his place. I left memories of pure, innocent love which no amount of LV bags can be traded for.

I sat in my room staring at my stuff. Tears started to flow, slowly trickling onto my sweaty office shirt... and I couldn't stop crying.

Michelle reminds herself never to cry for the Divemaster anymore, but the Divemaster always seem to win.

24 October 2009

Waking Up Everyday to Heartache

its so hard to get through the days. i consciously remind myself my pain. images of Divemaster frolicking in the sun with his new lawyer GF hurts me like hell.

i am at the lowest point in life. i dont know what to do. i cant eat, cant sleep, cant work, cant fuckin do anything!

all i can do is stare out at the window

Michelle's heart hurts in continuous pain. Why did she fell so much in love with Divemaster? :-'(

21 October 2009

Betrayal at its Best Form!

the truth is finally revealed.

the secret is out.

my Divemaster dump me for another girl. and he was already WITH that girl even before dumping me.

all i know is the girl has short hair. he opened his mail, showed her picture to all the divers in Mabul and bragged about this is his new girl. and he put on a pitied face, telling them he is going to dump me.

u lied to me straight in my face. i asked u, if there is someone else. u raised ur voice, swear to God and said NO! u said your feelings has faded. u said this is the truth. when i insisited, u raised your voice even louder, and said, "u want me to lie to you and say i have another girl just so u feel better izzit!?"

so i believe what u said.

but u lied to me, Divemaster. u fucking lied to me in my face!

why must he do this? why must he hurt me so cruelly? if he doesnt like me, why court me in the first place? why lead me into love & hope, and move on to another woman? why? how can he do such a thing to me? why must he lie to me? why must he cheat on me?

words dont do justice to the pain i am feeling. i feel hurt & betrayed. my heart is broken, trampled again and again. bit by bit, i find out his nasty secrets he did.

am i not good enough? i dont make him happy enough?

i am crying in sorrow here, while he is having fancy dinners with his new girl. calling her at late at night, wishing her lovey good nights - which was exactly what he did for me few months back.

u're a player. and u are so good in ur tactics - u introduced me to your Mom, brought me into your circle of friends, spread the word in Marketing, spend time & effort grooming me into a diver, shower me with love & attention, took me for romantic holidays, make me laugh with ur silly antics... i didnt catch any flaws. i trusted u completely. i gave u my heart.

u did far too much to be a player. but u ARE a player. a real, damn, professional player.

my heart aches in so much agony. i dont know what to do anymore - i can't carry on living. the man of my life killed me, far worse than any psychopathic serial murderers.

what did Michelle do to deserve such inhumane treatment?

17 October 2009

Lighting up the Festival

Today is Deepavali. If things were right, I'd be in Penang meeting his dad, brother & sista. And I'd have the chance to taste his granny's much-talk-about thosai.

I don't care how many times Ben & Jan tell me that he doesn't deserve me, I still miss him dearly. Much more than his hugs, his kisses and his char siew fan lunches, I miss him voice. I can't remember what it's like to hear him call me beee.

Michelle still misses her Divemaster. And it pains her, that it reminded her so much of him when she met Ben tonight over a couple of o~kao.

14 October 2009

i saw my Divemaster!

i met my Divemaster. i saw my Divemaster. face-to-face for 3 secs. it's the first time i saw him ever since he said goodbye and walked away from me at the airport.

i took great pains to not create "opportunities" to bump into him at office. hence, i survived until today. i was gawd-damn sure Divemaster isn't in the office today. he is supposed to be out for training.

so i braved up and went up! to his floor. the MARKETING floor. i was confident - he's not around, i won't see him. i followedly went in to the room for my healthscreen test. bla bla bla.... the doc told me to exercise more...and he was checking my blood pressure...

SUDDENLY, Divemaster stuck his head in front of me and said, "hey michelle". his familiar Chanel scent wafted into my nose. i mumbled "hey" and quickly look away.

i was shocked. surprised. dumbfounded. then reality started to sink in. that familiar face brought back heaps of memories like tornado. within that 3 sec of his head stuck in front of me, i deduced an image:
  • wearing a green Black Menthol shirt
  • his usual Chanel scent
  • tall guy in Oakleys
  • still that same farking good-looking guy i fell in love with

hurry up. hurry up! take my damn blood pressure quickly! why so long.... my mind was in a whuzz. my heart was pounding fast. i quickly ran out of the room immediately after, without turning to look at him, without looking anywhere. my eyes was ONLY focused at the exit. fark, i didnt even finish my healthscreen test.

i ran into the toilet, hid myself and cried. i dont know why i did, but i cant stop.

Michelle saw her Divemaster again. But seeing him this time wont end in hugs & kisses.

12 October 2009

My Kinda Tall Divemaster

The Divemaster whom I fell head over heels over mind over body over soul over heart over work over diving. And the same blardy Divemaster who shattered my heart into a zillion nano particles.

My Divemaster, xoxo

Love Me For a Reason

I was driving home tonight. The radio played this really old-school track - Love Me For a Reason

don't love me for fun, boy...
let me be the one, boy...

love me for a reason,

let the reason be love...

Michelle dedicates this verse to her Divemaster. She doesn't know what he loved her for, even though it was momentary. As Nabi said, all forms of joy is momentary; thus making joy itself so treasurable.

10 October 2009

Failed Attempt to Get Up

Cosmopolitan.au suggested to go party! as one of their tips to overcome a break up. Being a Cosmopolitan-ian, I suckered up at that idea.

Took up an aquantaince's invite and joined them partay, so to say. I walked into the club. Saw this tall, oh-so-handsomely-hot bouncer. Reminds me of Divemaster. Damn, not a good start. And then as the lousy music carried on, I saw more tall men. Reminded me of my Divemaster again. Every cute guy I see, there would be something in him I link to my Divemaster - his shirt, his hair, his eyes, his Oakleys, his Adidias sneakers...


I was feeling miserable surrounded by ah beng's & ah lian's oh-so-in-love. One of the guys put his arms around my shoulders and guided me through the crowd. Reminded me of my Divemaster again, how he always protect me from cigarette ashes and empty glasses by sheilding me in his arms.

I was already downright moody. Even the chubby Malay bouncer tried to jiggle to make me laugh. Failed. One of the guys asked who is driving me home - I farking drive myself home, I said. I got a look of a gazillion sympathies.


As I was driving home alone, I saw a silver Nissan Sentra beside. Every silver Sentra reminds me of my Divemaster.

Damn. That Cosmo tip did not work. Made me feel worst. I constantly think of him 28/7.

Michelle is trying to get some sleep. Hopefully she feels better tomorrow?
She reeks of beer & smoke. Sounds like Kermit the Frog, after 17 sticks of Fresh Mint.

07 October 2009

The Passing of Michelle's Heart

My heart is dead.

Repeated resuscitation failed.

I officially pronounce my heart dead. Time of death: 1103pm, 28/08/09

05 October 2009

First Love reconnect

On Oct1 09, I met back my first love.

The very same boy who took me on my first Vulcan Kawasaki ride. He avoided me like plague ever since breaking up - not answering my calls, not replying my mails, ignoring my smses - so I was surprised he said "dinner is a great plan" when I asked him out on FB. I don't know what came over me. I didn't know how I did it. I didn't know how I had the courage. It was just one day - another day of staring at WPC 8308 - I came home, feeling my usual shitty self, logged in to FB, click on his profile and sent message.

And Voila. There I was sipping lemongrass lychee waiting for my Vulcan boy. He appeared in grey shirt + black slacks, shook my hand and sat down. He shook my hand.

We started chatting uncomfortably. There were many long pauses. Uhmms & errrs. I tried to disguise my uneasiness by diverting sight to my Black Menthol.

*ruffle ruffle...scramble...twist, click

Began touching on work, his mom, Dianne, Joseph, his bike, then my family, my job, then it got more relaxed as we touched hobbies. And when he asked me about diving, I was full-fledged in animation about my passion! The fishes, the bubbles I hear, the sun tanning effects, the painful urchins, the peeing in my wetsuit, have I mentioned sun tan already? He was equally passionate about his hobbies - golf, white water rafting, drinking(!), hiking ...

As we talked, I can't help notice, he is still very much the same boy I fell in love with. The way he moves his hands, the way his eyes blink, the way he sits, the way he messes his hair... it reminded me of how close we were for me to notice all these. Man, I wake up every day curled on his abs for 5 years. We weren't just close, we were ONE!

Strangely, I am no longer sad. I no longer yearn for his hugs nor do I have urges to hold his hand. He was just this boy, sitting across me, this boy whom I loved, this boy who I still care, this boy whom I would willingly offer help no questions ask, this boy who I wish him all things nice.

All those depressive posts about him ignoring me, him not wanting to talk to me - its all just me being myself in my depressive nature? I have begun to let go of Rod? I have moved on?

Which I guess also means, the Divemaster is far too strong. Even my rock-solid love for Rod quaver for DM. Why am I so hung up on this DM anyway?

Damn, I miss you. Everyday I hope I wont bump into you cause I wont know how to react. But yet, like a stupid woman, everyday my eyes scan the usual places you hang out, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. I am indeed a farking loser.

Michelle thinks love is unexplainable. Un-quantifiable. Un-calculated. When the heart is loved, it stays loved. No matter how hard she tries to undo it. Does she need to go through what Rod did to let go of her Divemaster?

02 October 2009

Divemaster is still much Alive

It was a horrible week for me. Many things happened, many things I saw, which one thing lead to another reminded me of many of my Divemaster's moments:

  1. for the 1st time, i felt what's a tremor like. Padang's 7.9 magnitude earthquake shook my 23-storey office. I did what the rest did - shut down laptop, pack up and took the lift down (not according to emergency evacuation rules that is!) as i was exitting, i only had Divemaster in my mind. He's upstairs... i wonder if he has left. Is he all right? Does he know we need to evacuate? Is he OK? So many questions zooming past. I was THIS close to calling him to ask. I DIDNT. And so did he. He didn't call/sms me to check if I was all right. Another big chunk blunt bamboo pierced through my heart. The fact that my not-close female colleague could called, another colleague could called all the way from Indon, and he didn't! just abso-fucking-lutely tore my heart again. Heartbroken. He don't bloody care no more. He don't bloody care about me anymore, you hear me??
  2. i saw his car WPC 8308 three times this week. And for 3 times i stood there staring at his car doing nothing.
  3. Ben send me a FB message. " Hey babe, how are you? Must be busy with work. Just a casual note to check on my students :) " I replied by asking him if Divemaster has another woman, and is that why?! he dumped me. Ben didnt reply. Shit. Made bloody wrong move. He must have shown DM that message..
  4. i had a horrible dream last nite. i met Mok and he told me he saw Divemaster at the club with a girl name Serena. Serena... how on earth did that name appear? I don't know anyone by that name! Could it really be, that God is telling me that old, hag bitch is Serena? He dumped me because of Serena? Aaargh, another pierced through my heart.
I re-read & re-read his sms:
Hi babyyyyyyy! Surprise 2c ur sms. Hi princess! Miss u!!! Just got back. Washed all diving stuff, took a shower n sent kenny a courtesy email. Hehe! Good 2 know that u wont go Phil. Not worth it baby. I'll make things great 4u here. As long as we're together, I promise you happiness baby. Forever i loveeeeeeee u! :)

Because of his promise, because he said as long as we're together, because he will make things great for me...... I forgo an opportunity.

He lied. He broke his promise.

Michelle would like to tell Divemaster, please don't promise blindly. You cried when she told you about the offer. She can tell those were real tears. You said every girl you loved left you someway, somehow to pursue greater things. And that broke your heart. You ask her not to leave you because you love her with all your heart.
She loves you too, trusted you. Thats why she didnt leave.

Now you left me. You tell me, "my feelings for you has faded" and left me. How do you expect me to stop crying??? I hate you because you broke my heart. But I love you much deeper. You meant the world to me. Do you know that?

27 September 2009

That stupid status update

My Sunday started out well....

I had a good workout, cleaning the house. Then I met up some gal friends over at Delicious. Gossipin & bitchin about how cruel man can be. Then, I did the unthinkable. I log in to Facebook.

Divemaster updated his status, professes to the world he is having a splendid weekend!!

And now I'm back to my depressive, miserable state. He usually updates his status that he had an awesome weekend after spending it with me. I read, I know why and I feel proud. Proud that I made his weekend worthwhile. Even prouder that he spends it with me.
And yet, now... without ME! he's still having a splendid weekend. With who??

Michelle tells herself for the umpteenth time not to think about him. But yet... in the deepest corner of her heart, she still thinks of him, misses him - so terribly much. Today, she's thinking who the fucking bitch is giving HER Divemaster a splendid weekend. "I hope she is constipated everyday and she has to fart every 2mins. You like that, Divemaster? Bloody heartless bastard!"

My Divemaster's imprints

My Divemaster left many imprints when he left. Both physically & personally.
  • I love house music - I didn't know how to appreciate house back then, it all sounded the same! A couple of drum beats on repeat and they call this music? My Divemaster led me into a whole new world of trance jamming, to the likes of Armin Van Buuren & his huge collection of Jay-Kay CDs. I am now shaking & grooving to Turn It Up, Capital FM. Occasionally drifting back to our vodka-crazy nights at Phuture.
  • I love Havaianas! - My Divemaster showed me my first pair of Top Metallic green because I complained my high heels was killing me. It was love at first sight ever since. When I'm in SG, you'll definitely find me at Heeren. Or Ion (gfs tell me, they opened up a bigger store in Ion)
  • I love Toki Doki Lesportsac - I casually mentioned that I love Toki Doki, my Divemaster patiently e-Bay(ed) every night collecting the limited editions for me. Now, as I look at my Toki Dokis sitting in my cupboard, I sigh in sadness...
  • I love diving - if you didnt already know. He groomed me into a fanatic diver. I eat, live, breathe scuba.
  • I love indomee goreng + egg - My Divemaster cooks the BEST indomee in the whole wide world.

Michelle asks, do you know how hard is it for her to get through day by day, when everything she loves, everything she has passion for, reminds her of Divemaster?

25 September 2009

30 ways to get over it!

Jo shared her cosmopolitan.au with me and I've fallen in love ever since. And this awesome article I read today, '30 ways to get over your breakup', has got me upbeat, lively and givin' no shit on what the Divemaster is doing.

I'm excited to share my top 5 favs which I am diligently practising or attempting to practise.

  1. drink vodka. much vodka
  2. change your mobile wallpaper. delete that pic of you & him on your last holiday and replace it with george clooney's mug
  3. meet up with long-lost mates ASAP
  4. buy the brightest frock, shoes or bag you can find
  5. plan a shamelessly girly party with pink martinis, pink champagne, cupcakes & cheese
Michelle wants all the ladies to read http://www.cosmopolitan.com.au/30waystogetoverit.htm

22 September 2009

Post-Raya blues

It has been 25days. Does anyone realize time passes reeeeeally slow around here? 25days separated from the Divemaster. He's diving in Komodo right now, and he used to tell me he'll be away from me for 8days, thats an awfully long time to be separated from his princess!

Aaaargh. No point reminiscing. He don't bloody care about me anymore.

These past few days, I've been told countless stories of heartbreak. A colleague with 2 young kids was abandoned by her hubby. A friend who dated this guy for 8yrs and was dumped because of an affair. Worst she was already 32. Another friend was pushed aside because the man found a younger girl.
These women have gone through far worst than I. I don't have kids, I'm still young, yes, freaking young... what am I bitchin about?

Michelle is bitchin about how the Divemaster promised he will never leave me no matter what. And yet, he left...

17 September 2009

I see, I remember, I shed tears

I was pulling out from the car park today, I saw a familiar number. A few cars ahead, WPC 8308.

I sat in my car staring. And I continue doing nothing, but staring. For a good 30mins. Just staring...

(at the back of my head, images start to flood... the first time i stepped into that car. ocean breeze ambi pur. he took me to vishal. introduced me to vishal's wicked mutton balls. and i could remember. he used his hand, tore of the tender meat and placed it on my plate. "you don't mind rite? i'm giving u the best part" i could remember clearly word for word. on our way back, i noticed Good Evening Bangkok pillows on the passenger seat. a red & black devil soft toy nestled in between. 2 Marlboro DYO 20s sitting in the compartment slots. MOOKS sticker in front. MINISTRY OF DIVING sticker at the back ... michelle, enough!)

fuck it. I jammed the accelerator and left.

14 September 2009

Letter #2

Dear Divemaster,

It now has been 17days. 17days of not hearing from you. I'm wondering how you are? I still miss you terribly. Every single fucken morning, I wake up with your image in my head. I try. I try very hard to shake you away, but you are always adamant to stay. And everytime, I see the same visual - the image of you lying on your bed in that cute santa claus boxers, beady-eyes, watching the repeat of Bruce Almighty for the 53rd time.


I'm trying so hard. So damn bloody hard. I tried hunger. Cigarettes. More hunger. More cigarettes. Coffee. Plenty plenty of coffee. Not sleeping. Cut my hair. Colored it till its shit brown. No...no... nothing seems to work.

I still see you every morning. I still stupidly hope with every call/sms, it's from you. I still wish none of this would happened. I lied to everyone. Everyone thinks I should be okay by now. I lied. I'm a bloody loser.

I hope you're happy with whoever low life cheap whore you have chosen to pursue. I saw her picture. No doubt she is prettier than me, but she is old. Fucking old. Everything is sagging! Why are you so shallow? No... no... no.... I hope I'm just assuming. You stopped loving me. Period. And not because of some stupid cheap whore? Right, Divemaster?

09 September 2009

Day13: I'm a wreck!

Everywhere I go, I see, I hear, everyone is talking about 09.09.09

And today, on 09.09.09, Mr. Divemaster has updated his FB since our separation.
"........................ misses Guinness, Hoegardden and Diving :) "

Stupid huh? He misses beer(!) more than me he miss me. C'mon, michelle. He just said, he has lost his feelings for u. Obviously he doesn't WANT to see u, what more miss u??!! Fuck. I'm not myself. Everyday, when I go home, I'll always run up into my room - lock myself and cry for a good hour. When the eyes are swollen, when the tears ducts are dry, when I'm gasping for air - I'll eventually stop. Then I'll take a shower, go to bed and cry again.

It's degrading. Depreciating. Even I lose respect for myself. Crying and crying, thinking the world has lost its charm, the sun seems a little dimmer, days look gloomy, dark clouds are closing in...

At the same time, what is my man doing? Having his routine flirts with our brand ambassadors missing beer!

Michelle is weak at her heart, mind & body. She can't get a grip of herself... Can anyone please tell her what can she do to be her normal self again, immediately?

06 September 2009

Dimanche ... (Sunday night)

It's a Sunday night.

On usual Sunday nights, we would be cooking instant noodles in your kitchen. No, actually u would be cooking - stir-frying sausages, boiling carrots, simmering noodles - while i do the washing. U always say my noodles don't turn out nice.

Then, with each of us holding our bowls filled to the brim, we would scurry into your room and turn on channel 411. Prime time HBO.

But tonight, a Sunday night, u're not here. U will never be here anymore.

Michelle clutches her precious Thomas Sabo charm reminiscing Sunday nights. Her divemaster's first gift.

04 September 2009

Letter #1

Dear Divemaster,

It has been 4days since u left. 4 days without your calls and sms. 4 days of tears clutching your picture. 4 days of heartbreak reading your sms over and over again. U said let's move on and make the best for both of us. Let's move on... let's move on... why is it so easy for u to say let's move on?

I can't move on.

I miss you insanely. I will starve for weeks just to hear your voice again, to hear you call me and say hi bee... I will clean the public toilet just to have u hold me in your arms again. I will practically do anything just to have u look at me and say Sayang.

People tell me time heals. But these 4 days seem like 400 years. Every second passes so damn slow. But when we're together - cooking korean noodles in the kitchen, every second passes like lightning.

I figured u must be in Indonesia right now. Photographing mandarin fishes. I remember u telling me - when you still cared about me - that there wouldn't be any reception. But u will still try your best to call me. Guess, u don't have to now, huh?

I miss you Divemaster. So much. Why did u change your heart?

01 September 2009

The Divemaster broke my heart

He finally said it.

" My feelings for you has faded. Let's move on. Life goes on "

There must be another bitch. Which man will tell you there is a 3rd party? None I tell you. None of these coward men will have the fucking guts to tell you there is another woman. They just say, oh, i don't love you anymore...

Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why I can't be happy? I just want to be happy. Nothing more. No big houses, no branded bags, no expensive jewellery. I found my Divemaster and I'm happy. Thats all. But why can't he stay?

The Divemaster left Michelle heartbroken. She can't help herself anymore. She's spiralling down into depression. AGAIN. Why is everything against her to be happy?

25 August 2009

Dad the innocent victim

It's just another ordinary Tuesday night. As I sit in my room.

I'm listening to Bitter Heart on repeat, fully wide-awake.

I'm beginning to feel myself slipping into that same realm of darkness 2 years back. C'mon...
who are you kidding? The divemaster is just messing around. Stop lying to yourself with positive words. Encouraging words, my arse! how long do you want be in denial??

I'm moody and cranky. I snapped at Dad for no reason. My retired, caring father who still loves me like that toothless 7yr old girl. But he never shows it. Yet I know. I guess he will be the only man who will ever love me like his only princess.

But I snapped at him. I vent my anger & frustration at an old man because some stupid, idiotic guy hurt my feelings.

i'm sorry. i didn't mean to...

i'm just... i'm just unhappy. depressed. i don't want to go through it all over again.

do you know what it feels like to be really sad? fucker, you don't know. it's not like watching that sissy Titanic. you will never, ever know what fucking things runs through my head. i know what you're thinking. just another stupid naiive girl who can't get hold of her emotions.

dammit, you're wrong! do u know what it feels like to be really sad?


It's just another ordinary Monday night. As I sit in my room.

A moment ago, I heard the divemaster's voice for 8:06 - after what seem like an eternity of disappearance. Maybe that's why I can't sleep now. At 1248am, I'm listening to Bitter Heart on repeat, fully wide-awake without any nescafe tarik-influence.

He tells me he will be travelling for the next couple of weeks. To dive in faraway islands where there is no cellular reception - where inhabitants dressed in leaves still communicate using pigeons. To traverse the entire country partying cum promoting our new launch. He tells me to hang in there...


I am lying if I say I don't miss him. Who now is going to scream at me, " DO NOT descend with ur arse first!!! How many blardy times you want me to tell you? *grumble grumble....stupid woman...* " Maybe I should get a dog. I can't - Mom hates pets. Maybe I should get a tamagotchi. I can't - Sipadan used up my entire Aug pay. Maybe I should get a boy toy, toy boy. Do you think chai is interested?

Tonight I'll sleep better. Hopefully - i got 8:06, bloody hell, that's better than a lousy sms!

Michelle only wishes that the Divemaster remembers to call when he's away

23 August 2009

LoVe thyself

" when you start to appreciate yourself, when you're able to follow your star, then only will your defenses & fear fall.
by then only you're ready for a man "

Over 21, TheStar, 23 Aug 09

I love myself because I gave myself a full length pedi+mani today. I love myself because I spent an hour lifting weights + skipping rope. I love myself because I pampered myself a warm, fluffy char siew pau. I love myself because I oogled at Ashley Cole's shirtless picture till my saliva formed tasik kenyir.

The divemaster ran away to a faraway island and he doesnt call? Don't matter anymore.

Someone posted a picture of Rod today putting at the driving range. He still looks damn good.

16 August 2009


A stewardess told me, " don't invest anything on a boy. don't put time, don't put hope, don't put feelings. cause the more you invest, the more disappointed you'll be "
that simple yet profound comment opened up my eyes. my heart & my brain. why waste time when the boy clearly hasn't invested anything in you? why waste energy when the boy obviously isn't bothered?

let's keep it at just-friends. friends for benefit. or fuck buddy (if you're wasted enough!) good. let's keep it that way.

women shouldn't give a shit on where he's at, who's he with, when is he coming home, why is he not calling or how many packets have gone missing. because friends won't do all that. friends only care if you're gonna belanja makan or tumpang them. beyond that, the care STOPS.

Girlfriends, take heed. Our hearts deserve much more than heartache & disappointment. Fuck it. Enough is enough.

Michelle is plain tired from it all. She does n0t care whose fucking penang-plate myvi Divemaster is driving

27 July 2009

Evolution of M

The bloody 'mou han' ended up in a bloody 'M' . Some finger-pointing, shouting, screaming, hair-tearing & a shed of tear knocked some sense into me to settle for just a 'M' .

Few days later I begin to realize. M is good. M won't invoke questions that will leave me go errr....ummm... M is universal. M is simple but catchy. M won't deter that cute photographer from asking me out for dinners >:)

Michelle is already planning an inscription:
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, eventhough its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky,
You'll get by ...
on the back of her neck

04 July 2009

Played Out

i am always played. people out there just want to hurt my feelings. why? is this some bad karma from my past life? or those suckers out there just get a freggin kick seeing me hurt with tears rolling down? when i'm hurt, memories of 8th May start flooding back. i sit at the corner of my bed reminiscing that phone call he made. he told me, "i feel i can live alone now. i don't need anyone..."
i said goodbye and ended the call. i sat there with my head slumped to the wall, tears rolling down non-stop for many months. Various images flashed through my head; i felt like running away, i felt like slitting my wrist, i felt like drinking detergent, i felt like calling him back, i felt like going back in time wishing that call was never made. i remembered at that same moment, one of my primary mates called. bad timing. i wailed, yelled and scared the shit out of him. he could only console me by saying, "there're plenty of bastards out there. this bastard is not worthy"

why are there so many bastards in my life? jeez!
stupid Muthar Farker just have to shout, twist and twirl the story to make me look i am in the wrong. WTF?

and still i allow myself to be fooled by sweet charming words. i swallow my pride. i cry, wail for 10 mins. i wipe my tears, pretend nothing happen. i put on my cheerful smile and hope yet again a fairytale life awaits me.

isn't that what all girls dream of?

Michelle hates that bastard and loves that bastard at the same time

Thanks for ruining dinner, you arsehole !

Why do you have to raise your voice at me? You think u're so high up and mighty? Dad has stopped doing that since I was 12. What gives you the fucking right to do so? Would you even dare to raise your voice at Gerri?! I bet my head you wont! And the each time you deny, "I where got raise my voice at you? why are you so sensitive? i am 200% sure i DID NOT raise my voice"

ok fine fine. i have super hearing then! everything you say is amplified by 1000 decibels!

What did I do to deserve this? Fuck you .

Michelle is pointing her middle finger !

02 July 2009

Good evening Sir, you wanto buy?

I had an interesting conversation over lunch today. About how guys are suckers for tall, skinny, fair-skinned, long hair girls. Working in an industry that employs hundreds of girls to promote our sales, boys in the promotions-department are having a ball! One of them even gloat, oh i fark her, and her, and that one, and this one. oooh... the last one's wild. then there's left that one, and that one, and that one, and the entire saturday shift.

Eww. Have you spoken to any of the girls lately?

So how long have you been in this line?
Umm... i works for 3 months already. Meets many of customers. hehe. I sell very good.
Okay. why do you think you deserve this job?
Umm... i don't know. heheh. i can talk bahasa. my bahasa not bad.

Doesn't that just turn you off already? But no. Constructing proper sentences isn't in the list-of-must-haves. Boys' (no surprise) list-of-must-haves only contain:
  1. long legs
  2. hole
  3. *fake eyelashes optional

Michelle says, be it any hole, men is a happy man.

01 July 2009

Urgent Disclaimer

i found out something surprising. someone reads this shit as well. for i thought it was just me and occasionally Aud, after she could no longer stand my annoying reminders: 'Go Read my Post!'
Now that i found you out, Yes YOU, theres a certain disclaimer i want you to be aware of.

*the posts here are by no means any indications, reflections, projections of who i am in flesh. as a matter of fact, i'm quite the opposite. this is my alter-ego. i pretend to be someone not me, someone not bounded by traditional values, someone not restricted by society's perception, someone who give no farks about what my cousin's brother's auntie's sister-in-law's auntie think of my body art. i derive pleasure from escaping conformity.

in flesh, i am sweet and politely-mannered like how all mommies want their daughters to be.

Michelle is in the opinion that the uninformed should not read further. it will give you nightmares...

08 June 2009

Somebody call 911

i don't know what's wrong with me. lately i've been feeling very frustrated. like all this pent-up restlessness and stress trapped in a balloon underwater, ready to blow up (funny it seem, i got that analogy from my PADI manual). i tried many ways to take my mind off it:
  • go watch a angels & demons
  • OD on killkenny
  • finish all levels in Supermarket Mania
  • started Cake Mania
  • puffed enough boxes of Avolution to lost count how many i smoke
  • shower my love & attention to a smelly schnauzer
  • sleep 13hours straight
  • waste $$ at borneo ink
  • watched nip/tuck at a lesbians club
  • .............

i'm still looking for something that works. damn.

not helping, the Divemaster together with his bunch of snobbish Advanced OWD keep criticizing my dive inadequacy and now he disses my fashion sense too? wtf?

04 June 2009

Mou Han

Self-inflict pain with the above. Need. to. distract. myself. away from the boredom at work & routine of life. ETA 27 June 09
it's gonna be bloody...

25 May 2009

Boyfriend Application Form



What Would You do if...
  1. I pissed you off:
  2. I touched your ass:
  3. I dropped your Nikon D80:
  4. I got in a fight and you were there:
  5. I cried:

What Do You Think Of My...
  1. Clothes:
  2. Voice:
  3. Humor:
  4. Choice of music:
  5. Manners:


  1. Do you like the beach? if so, why
  2. Would you watch the movie that i picked even if you didnt want to?
  3. If we're not watching movie, what would we be doing?
  4. Would you give me kisses just because?
  5. How would you rate your hugs from 1-10?

Would You...
  1. Lie to make me feel better:
  2. Talk to your friends about me:
  3. Make a snack for me at 2 am:
  4. Keep a secret if I told you one:
  5. Love me unconditionally:

Position will be more favorable to Daniel Henney, Donnie Yen, Josh Hartnett or McSteamy. Only shortlisted candidates will be notified-
Reproduced from missy denise, D to da T

18 May 2009

Best Things in Life

Some kid named Hilary won an essay competition for penning an article on the matter above. I wonder what would a 17-yr old kid regard as what's best? Not that a 20-something girl would know what is best either...
I tell myself the best things are the ones that make you happy on the inside. No money spent, no effort made:

  1. waking up in DM's arms and then kick him for snoring
  2. finding a pack of Thai fried rice on the table after a horrible long night or should i say wee morning at work
  3. bro helping me to do the dishes
  4. when some Marketing big-shot actually say 'thank u' for the nights I spent designing that damn box
  5. a big bowl of ais kacang with unlimited peanuts! (okay, some money needed here...

*due credit given to ipohwav3 for image

Michelle is sleepy from a dark, gloomy Monday--

08 April 2009

the problem with EX-es

I don't get this. Why do all my ex-bfs stay in touch with their other ex-gfs and my this one particular ex-bf avoids me like plague? There are numerous occasions where i go; "ah, whose that?" "Oh, my ex gf. We're still friends" "(what the hell........ :-S)"

ok. fine. whatever. ex gf. at least now, I AM with the guy right?

Which brings me a thought to ponder. Why doesnt Rod want to keep in touch with me?
  • send an email - no reply
  • send sms - no reply
  • send merry Xmas - got a standard christmas gretting text reply
  • send happy birthday - no reply
Shouldn't it be we female species are the type who 'hold grunges forever' kind? We species are the type who 'you never existed in my life' kind? We species are the type who 'don't ever come find me again' kind?


i was in love once. A boy who rides a vulcan kawasaki. That mean machine we usually cruise on the highway at 220km/h. What a thrill it was. Seeing all the kapchais & wiras lagging sorely behind. And he use to buy me rotiboy whenever i was on one of my 'merajuk' mood swings.

i guess it doesn't matter.

The void in me will always be there. Would it be better if we were still friends? I don't know.

i have been afraid all this while. Yet i hope someday i will be able to fall in love again. A forwarded mail once said; it takes only a second to fall in love. yeah, how hard can that be?

For the record, Michelle hasn't eaten rotiboy since 2006. She's thinks she's going to bug her hottie divemaster.