12 April 2013

Fickle Heart

3 years has passed since my last breakup. I did try to get back into game. Few casual dates and even fewer dates which I was actually interested. Two to be exact.

The first one ended horribly. I showed all signals that I was interested in him. I sought guy friends' help to decipher his body language. Some encouraging, some didn't. I will only listen to positive, I told myself. We chatted for few weeks. Soon I realize he lacked interest. One-word answer, late replies. He started to tell me this other girl he was interested in. Some dumb, big eyed, I-need-to-be-saved waitress. It broke my heart.
I worked to hard to get to where I am today; financially independent. Alas I lost to a person I vowed never to become! That took a chip off my self confidence.

I met a second boy. Accidentally was introduced at company party. Had no expectations. Well, at least that's what I thought.
This boy was persistent. Constantly messaging. I said yes to the first date. It went all right, he was an hour late! But made up for it, for I never laughed so much in one night.
His messages continued. The hi's , how are you, indeed made my day. We went out again. Three times in total this round. Well, it was a long weekend/holiday, I guess we were both bored. So consecutive 3 days, we dated. My interest grew after each date. So did my expectations. After our last date, I could not get this boy out of my head. I was so happy when he said he wants to meet again the following weekend.

To be honest, I was fidgety throughout the week. My heart squeezed in anticipation waiting for Friday to arrive.

Come weekend. No calls nor texts. My heart sank. It tore, literally.
Fuck expectation. It kills you.

Being who I am, I had to explain his sudden disappearance. I spied on his Instagram. Saw pictures of him cuddling another girl posted all over. On that same weekend, we were supposed to go out.
I sank into a hole.

Why? What's wrong with me? Why do boys keep going away? One time, two times. I can no longer take it.

He broke every ounce of self confidence in me. You were the one who pursued. You told me that you liked me. When I was convinced to open my heart to you, you disappeared. Into another girl's arms.

That hit me. I reflected for all the times I struggled, pushed myself, worked hard - single, independent career woman, smart, decently attractive - all for what? When I can't find a man to appreciate?

I cried.

I want to give up. Pack my bags and go home. Back to mama.
I'm tired. I don't want to hold on to that strong me anymore.

This will never compare to others who are strickened by war. Or others who lost everything. Or others who are dying of terminal illnesses.
Petty and trivial. Insignificant, they might argue.

I don't care.. I hate it that I am hurt.
I hate my heart. For being stupid.