30 November 2009

3month survival

Emily gave me a fridge magnet. Something which I did not expect, realising that we've met only twice! For good or bad, her magnet drills truth into my stubborn head. On a oak squarish plague, in brown it reads,
there is TWO sides to every story, his side... AND THE TRUTH
I have no idea where that woman found it, but thank god she did for it sure rings a bitter fact.

To the strangers and bored people who spend time reading my blog, i have passed the 90day-no-calling-rule. Today marks 3months since he said, "my feelings for you has faded..."

I've survived the 90-day-no-calling rule. I did not initiate any contact - no calls, no sms, no FB message. Should I go whopee now??

funny as it may seem, stupid as it is, how impossible as it may be, michelle is still hoping her divemaster would come up to her and say, "bee? i'm sorry... i've been a jackass. will u forgive me?" fuck that crap. michelle is hopelesss!

18 November 2009

everything a girl didn't know

I know where my Divemaster is today. 4 months ago itself, I knew where he will be today. He is in Pulau Mabul, the beautiful island off Sabah.

When things were nice & dandy, he was supposed to be participating in Asean Diver's underwater photography competition. 6D/5N of fun, intensive, challenging activities. He was excited and looking forward to it. I could see it in his big brown eyes.

But things aren't so nice now. Things are dark & gloomy. No longer entering the competition, he is now frolicking under the stars with his new girl; the lawyer. Perhaps as I am writing this, he is romancing her with melodious words, gently caressed by the calming sea breeze and will probably end up fuckin her on that single mattress.

Here I am, sitting here 1000 miles away in front of my blog post. Swollen teary eyes - i hate my Divemaster for being so cruel. Hurt at the fact he is hugging another woman's in his arms. My dead heart is being sliced in every passing second. I miss my jackass Divemaster and wishes none of this happened. I wish I am the girl in Mabul frolicking under the stars.

In between her sobs & a blocked nose, Michelle is humming what's the use of crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile...

14 November 2009

I just haven't met you yet

i have been holding on to the "90-day no calling rule" pretty well. today marks my 75th day. guess, i've been pretty strong huh? u don't know how hard is it for me to carry through. i miss him so much. there has been so many times i just want to press the call button. call my Divemaster and tell him i miss him. so many freggin times. and each bloody time, i end up soaking my whole pillow for not having the guts to press. u don't know how difficult is it for me.

i feel all the emotions. i see all the signs. just like how i was when rodney left me. depressed. what made it even worse, when i heard the sad news. my best friend is going through a rough time. much more painful than mine. i could do nothing to help, but to remind her i'm always there for her. i love her down to the very single bit.

i draw negativity from what's happening around. somehow, i consciously allow it to pile into my depression. it's like i want to be depressed. i willingly choose to put myself in gloom.

Bo commented i look cute. Bo, that cute filipino hottie who looks slightly like j.timberlake. he said i'm this cute girl on the 15th flr with a husky voice. aaah, sure, feels good to be complimented. especially from someone as hot as Bo..... damn, i'm too messed up. i still feel like shit even if George Clooney says i'm cute.

fuckk. arun describes im in an emotional mess. damn he's bloody right. i am pathetic, miserable and depressed.

Michelle can't sleep...and she's depressed writing this..
Courtesy of Richard Wilkinson--

10 November 2009

i'm gonna remember 10 Nov 09

i received news today, someone dear to my best friend has passed away.

i had a crappy day at work. my mat salleh director ignored me. treated as if i was invisible. and to his cheek, without me, he won't get all those good words for our new product launches! bloody arrogant bastard.. i also had the longest, most intense, multiple back stabbing meeting ever.

this couple with that, just broke me down. i cried again. hunched on my bed, in my smelly office wear, i cried out loud as my heart ached in agony. my finger was on speed dial#2. i want to call Divemaster. i want to hear his voice. tell him, i miss you babyyyyyy. i miss you so much. what wrong have i done to make you stop loving me? what in me that drive you to find another woman? i miss you baby. i need you... i need you. can you come back? please...?

i never made that call. i called arun instead. cried to him over the phone, tell him how much i miss Divemaster. tell him how i hate myself when i have such a loving family & friends who care for me but yet i still succumb to the devil - lose my dignity, lose my faith, lose my energy.

Michelle hates herself twice as much - for falling in love with her Divemaster and for not getting back up when she fell