27 September 2009

That stupid status update

My Sunday started out well....

I had a good workout, cleaning the house. Then I met up some gal friends over at Delicious. Gossipin & bitchin about how cruel man can be. Then, I did the unthinkable. I log in to Facebook.

Divemaster updated his status, professes to the world he is having a splendid weekend!!

And now I'm back to my depressive, miserable state. He usually updates his status that he had an awesome weekend after spending it with me. I read, I know why and I feel proud. Proud that I made his weekend worthwhile. Even prouder that he spends it with me.
And yet, now... without ME! he's still having a splendid weekend. With who??

Michelle tells herself for the umpteenth time not to think about him. But yet... in the deepest corner of her heart, she still thinks of him, misses him - so terribly much. Today, she's thinking who the fucking bitch is giving HER Divemaster a splendid weekend. "I hope she is constipated everyday and she has to fart every 2mins. You like that, Divemaster? Bloody heartless bastard!"

My Divemaster's imprints

My Divemaster left many imprints when he left. Both physically & personally.
  • I love house music - I didn't know how to appreciate house back then, it all sounded the same! A couple of drum beats on repeat and they call this music? My Divemaster led me into a whole new world of trance jamming, to the likes of Armin Van Buuren & his huge collection of Jay-Kay CDs. I am now shaking & grooving to Turn It Up, Capital FM. Occasionally drifting back to our vodka-crazy nights at Phuture.
  • I love Havaianas! - My Divemaster showed me my first pair of Top Metallic green because I complained my high heels was killing me. It was love at first sight ever since. When I'm in SG, you'll definitely find me at Heeren. Or Ion (gfs tell me, they opened up a bigger store in Ion)
  • I love Toki Doki Lesportsac - I casually mentioned that I love Toki Doki, my Divemaster patiently e-Bay(ed) every night collecting the limited editions for me. Now, as I look at my Toki Dokis sitting in my cupboard, I sigh in sadness...
  • I love diving - if you didnt already know. He groomed me into a fanatic diver. I eat, live, breathe scuba.
  • I love indomee goreng + egg - My Divemaster cooks the BEST indomee in the whole wide world.

Michelle asks, do you know how hard is it for her to get through day by day, when everything she loves, everything she has passion for, reminds her of Divemaster?

25 September 2009

30 ways to get over it!

Jo shared her cosmopolitan.au with me and I've fallen in love ever since. And this awesome article I read today, '30 ways to get over your breakup', has got me upbeat, lively and givin' no shit on what the Divemaster is doing.

I'm excited to share my top 5 favs which I am diligently practising or attempting to practise.

  1. drink vodka. much vodka
  2. change your mobile wallpaper. delete that pic of you & him on your last holiday and replace it with george clooney's mug
  3. meet up with long-lost mates ASAP
  4. buy the brightest frock, shoes or bag you can find
  5. plan a shamelessly girly party with pink martinis, pink champagne, cupcakes & cheese
Michelle wants all the ladies to read http://www.cosmopolitan.com.au/30waystogetoverit.htm

22 September 2009

Post-Raya blues

It has been 25days. Does anyone realize time passes reeeeeally slow around here? 25days separated from the Divemaster. He's diving in Komodo right now, and he used to tell me he'll be away from me for 8days, thats an awfully long time to be separated from his princess!

Aaaargh. No point reminiscing. He don't bloody care about me anymore.

These past few days, I've been told countless stories of heartbreak. A colleague with 2 young kids was abandoned by her hubby. A friend who dated this guy for 8yrs and was dumped because of an affair. Worst she was already 32. Another friend was pushed aside because the man found a younger girl.
These women have gone through far worst than I. I don't have kids, I'm still young, yes, freaking young... what am I bitchin about?

Michelle is bitchin about how the Divemaster promised he will never leave me no matter what. And yet, he left...

17 September 2009

I see, I remember, I shed tears

I was pulling out from the car park today, I saw a familiar number. A few cars ahead, WPC 8308.

I sat in my car staring. And I continue doing nothing, but staring. For a good 30mins. Just staring...

(at the back of my head, images start to flood... the first time i stepped into that car. ocean breeze ambi pur. he took me to vishal. introduced me to vishal's wicked mutton balls. and i could remember. he used his hand, tore of the tender meat and placed it on my plate. "you don't mind rite? i'm giving u the best part" i could remember clearly word for word. on our way back, i noticed Good Evening Bangkok pillows on the passenger seat. a red & black devil soft toy nestled in between. 2 Marlboro DYO 20s sitting in the compartment slots. MOOKS sticker in front. MINISTRY OF DIVING sticker at the back ... michelle, enough!)

fuck it. I jammed the accelerator and left.

14 September 2009

Letter #2

Dear Divemaster,

It now has been 17days. 17days of not hearing from you. I'm wondering how you are? I still miss you terribly. Every single fucken morning, I wake up with your image in my head. I try. I try very hard to shake you away, but you are always adamant to stay. And everytime, I see the same visual - the image of you lying on your bed in that cute santa claus boxers, beady-eyes, watching the repeat of Bruce Almighty for the 53rd time.


I'm trying so hard. So damn bloody hard. I tried hunger. Cigarettes. More hunger. More cigarettes. Coffee. Plenty plenty of coffee. Not sleeping. Cut my hair. Colored it till its shit brown. No...no... nothing seems to work.

I still see you every morning. I still stupidly hope with every call/sms, it's from you. I still wish none of this would happened. I lied to everyone. Everyone thinks I should be okay by now. I lied. I'm a bloody loser.

I hope you're happy with whoever low life cheap whore you have chosen to pursue. I saw her picture. No doubt she is prettier than me, but she is old. Fucking old. Everything is sagging! Why are you so shallow? No... no... no.... I hope I'm just assuming. You stopped loving me. Period. And not because of some stupid cheap whore? Right, Divemaster?

09 September 2009

Day13: I'm a wreck!

Everywhere I go, I see, I hear, everyone is talking about 09.09.09

And today, on 09.09.09, Mr. Divemaster has updated his FB since our separation.
"........................ misses Guinness, Hoegardden and Diving :) "

Stupid huh? He misses beer(!) more than me he miss me. C'mon, michelle. He just said, he has lost his feelings for u. Obviously he doesn't WANT to see u, what more miss u??!! Fuck. I'm not myself. Everyday, when I go home, I'll always run up into my room - lock myself and cry for a good hour. When the eyes are swollen, when the tears ducts are dry, when I'm gasping for air - I'll eventually stop. Then I'll take a shower, go to bed and cry again.

It's degrading. Depreciating. Even I lose respect for myself. Crying and crying, thinking the world has lost its charm, the sun seems a little dimmer, days look gloomy, dark clouds are closing in...

At the same time, what is my man doing? Having his routine flirts with our brand ambassadors missing beer!

Michelle is weak at her heart, mind & body. She can't get a grip of herself... Can anyone please tell her what can she do to be her normal self again, immediately?

06 September 2009

Dimanche ... (Sunday night)

It's a Sunday night.

On usual Sunday nights, we would be cooking instant noodles in your kitchen. No, actually u would be cooking - stir-frying sausages, boiling carrots, simmering noodles - while i do the washing. U always say my noodles don't turn out nice.

Then, with each of us holding our bowls filled to the brim, we would scurry into your room and turn on channel 411. Prime time HBO.

But tonight, a Sunday night, u're not here. U will never be here anymore.

Michelle clutches her precious Thomas Sabo charm reminiscing Sunday nights. Her divemaster's first gift.

04 September 2009

Letter #1

Dear Divemaster,

It has been 4days since u left. 4 days without your calls and sms. 4 days of tears clutching your picture. 4 days of heartbreak reading your sms over and over again. U said let's move on and make the best for both of us. Let's move on... let's move on... why is it so easy for u to say let's move on?

I can't move on.

I miss you insanely. I will starve for weeks just to hear your voice again, to hear you call me and say hi bee... I will clean the public toilet just to have u hold me in your arms again. I will practically do anything just to have u look at me and say Sayang.

People tell me time heals. But these 4 days seem like 400 years. Every second passes so damn slow. But when we're together - cooking korean noodles in the kitchen, every second passes like lightning.

I figured u must be in Indonesia right now. Photographing mandarin fishes. I remember u telling me - when you still cared about me - that there wouldn't be any reception. But u will still try your best to call me. Guess, u don't have to now, huh?

I miss you Divemaster. So much. Why did u change your heart?

01 September 2009

The Divemaster broke my heart

He finally said it.

" My feelings for you has faded. Let's move on. Life goes on "

There must be another bitch. Which man will tell you there is a 3rd party? None I tell you. None of these coward men will have the fucking guts to tell you there is another woman. They just say, oh, i don't love you anymore...

Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why I can't be happy? I just want to be happy. Nothing more. No big houses, no branded bags, no expensive jewellery. I found my Divemaster and I'm happy. Thats all. But why can't he stay?

The Divemaster left Michelle heartbroken. She can't help herself anymore. She's spiralling down into depression. AGAIN. Why is everything against her to be happy?