dear blog,
i heard my Divemaster tendered his resignation today. no, he did not tell me. i heard it from a friend through a colleague through a friend.
i am sad.
it's just not me who's avoiding him. it works both ways, he is too. with him leaving PM, this means i will no longer see him. not even his car not even his desk. he will soon vanish in a poof! lose all trace of sentimental memories that tie to him. he's leaving, michelle.
he finally took the bold step. i am guessing he decided to become Divemaster/Underwaterphotographer full time, a dream he told me numerous times when we were together. or he could get married to that lawyer bitch of his and settle down in an island. well, i hope not....
according to Kübler-Ross model, people deal with these 5 stages when faced with tragedy or grief :
- denial
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- acceptance
6months has passed and i guess i'm in #4. what' strange with me, don't matter how badly i want to avoid him, at the back of my head, i know he is just 1 floor above me. though i don't see him, i don't talk to him, i know he will be upstairs at his desk noon onwards. that assurance is no longer valid soon. he's leaving, michelle.
i thought i'll build up courage, walk up to him and say goodbye when i leave (the least i could do...) but it doesn't matter anymore. he's leaving sooner than i am. and he didn't have the thought to tell me...
Tiger New Year 2010 came and gone in a whizz. I had a fabulous time, never reminiscing of Divemaster even once. I ate hard, slept hard, watch tv hard & repeat this whole vicious cycle hard! In a week, I gained back whatever depressive weight I lost during my depression days and plus 15kilograms. They're calling me a penguin now. happy feet...
All of a sudden, my heart feels heavy. Like all of a sudden. I'm sending my bro off tomorrow and till I see him again in what... Dec? All of a sudden, I feel this heavy pang leaving Dad. Seeing him waved goodbye at the door flashes through in my head, with his out-of-bed hair. All of sudden, I miss Mom. I want to record the sight of her waiting at the door the each time my car pulls into the driveway.
All of a sudden I feel scared. I don't want to leave anymore. I don't want to be alone. I don't want it anymore. I want to pull out.
I fake to everyone my positivity & excitement. I told them, it's good for me! A change of environment will be good for me. I need to let go of Divemaster.
Now I am scared. It's hitting me.
Shit, I need to talk to someone. Someone level-headed. Knock some positivity & excitement back into my emotionally messed-up head.
p/s: Xweing, thks 4yer good wishes. I hope tis yr will be a good yr for us all.
Michelle thinks, " you better not let Mom catch you tearing. how is she gonna let you go with a peace of mind? you sensitive emotional idiot! "
Last Friday was my DM's birthday. An Aquarius baby. Google says - Being steady in one relationship is not an Aquarian's cup of tea. There is always so much to discover, how can he remain tied to a few people only. Shit...why didn't I google him up earlier?
Last year I scoured the internet for weeks, finally found a hidden cupcake gem in Seapark and gave her specific details on how I want the birthday cake to be. The masterpiece below welled up tears in his eyes. Even I, myself was amazed how beautiful they turn out.
Michelle did not want to think much on that day. But fate has it, her hp beeps a reminder: Divemaster's Birthday. Dang!
