21 February 2010

Stepping into Tiger Year

Tiger New Year 2010 came and gone in a whizz. I had a fabulous time, never reminiscing of Divemaster even once. I ate hard, slept hard, watch tv hard & repeat this whole vicious cycle hard! In a week, I gained back whatever depressive weight I lost during my depression days and plus 15kilograms. They're calling me a penguin now. happy feet...

All of a sudden, my heart feels heavy. Like all of a sudden. I'm sending my bro off tomorrow and till I see him again in what... Dec? All of a sudden, I feel this heavy pang leaving Dad. Seeing him waved goodbye at the door flashes through in my head, with his out-of-bed hair. All of sudden, I miss Mom. I want to record the sight of her waiting at the door the each time my car pulls into the driveway. 

All of a sudden I feel scared. I don't want to leave anymore. I don't want to be alone. I don't want it anymore. I want to pull out.

I fake to everyone my positivity & excitement. I told them, it's good for me! A change of environment will be good for me. I need to let go of Divemaster.

Now I am scared. It's hitting me.

Shit, I need to talk to someone. Someone level-headed. Knock some positivity & excitement back into my emotionally messed-up head.

p/s: Xweing, thks 4yer good wishes. I hope tis yr will be a good yr for us all.

Michelle thinks, " you better not let Mom catch you tearing. how is she gonna let you go with a peace of mind? you sensitive emotional idiot! "



joyce said...

Roomie, whatever path/decision that you decide on, i'll always give you my fullest emotional support. :)

Michelle said...

hugz roomie!

Chee Tat said...

hugz housemate

Xweing said...

Thanks I just saw your postscript.