05 October 2009

First Love reconnect


On Oct1 09, I met back my first love.

The very same boy who took me on my first Vulcan Kawasaki ride. He avoided me like plague ever since breaking up - not answering my calls, not replying my mails, ignoring my smses - so I was surprised he said "dinner is a great plan" when I asked him out on FB. I don't know what came over me. I didn't know how I did it. I didn't know how I had the courage. It was just one day - another day of staring at WPC 8308 - I came home, feeling my usual shitty self, logged in to FB, click on his profile and sent message.

And Voila. There I was sipping lemongrass lychee waiting for my Vulcan boy. He appeared in grey shirt + black slacks, shook my hand and sat down. He shook my hand.

We started chatting uncomfortably. There were many long pauses. Uhmms & errrs. I tried to disguise my uneasiness by diverting sight to my Black Menthol.

*ruffle ruffle...scramble...twist, click

Began touching on work, his mom, Dianne, Joseph, his bike, then my family, my job, then it got more relaxed as we touched hobbies. And when he asked me about diving, I was full-fledged in animation about my passion! The fishes, the bubbles I hear, the sun tanning effects, the painful urchins, the peeing in my wetsuit, have I mentioned sun tan already? He was equally passionate about his hobbies - golf, white water rafting, drinking(!), hiking ...

As we talked, I can't help notice, he is still very much the same boy I fell in love with. The way he moves his hands, the way his eyes blink, the way he sits, the way he messes his hair... it reminded me of how close we were for me to notice all these. Man, I wake up every day curled on his abs for 5 years. We weren't just close, we were ONE!

Strangely, I am no longer sad. I no longer yearn for his hugs nor do I have urges to hold his hand. He was just this boy, sitting across me, this boy whom I loved, this boy who I still care, this boy whom I would willingly offer help no questions ask, this boy who I wish him all things nice.

All those depressive posts about him ignoring me, him not wanting to talk to me - its all just me being myself in my depressive nature? I have begun to let go of Rod? I have moved on?

Which I guess also means, the Divemaster is far too strong. Even my rock-solid love for Rod quaver for DM. Why am I so hung up on this DM anyway?

Damn, I miss you. Everyday I hope I wont bump into you cause I wont know how to react. But yet, like a stupid woman, everyday my eyes scan the usual places you hang out, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. I am indeed a farking loser.

Michelle thinks love is unexplainable. Un-quantifiable. Un-calculated. When the heart is loved, it stays loved. No matter how hard she tries to undo it. Does she need to go through what Rod did to let go of her Divemaster?










5 comments:

Chee Tat said...

hey, i like the photo

joyce said...

First love is always the sweetest :)

Michelle said...

roomie,
so pm me ur first love? :)

Chee Tat said...

joyce first love? chong liang lo.

joyce said...

Lee Chee Tat! Says who my first love is chong liang???