Waking Up Everyday to Heartache

its so hard to get through the days. i consciously remind myself my pain. images of Divemaster frolicking in the sun with his new lawyer GF hurts me like hell.

i am at the lowest point in life. i dont know what to do. i cant eat, cant sleep, cant work, cant fuckin do anything!

all i can do is stare out at the window

Michelle's heart hurts in continuous pain. Why did she fell so much in love with Divemaster? :-'(

Betrayal at its Best Form!

the truth is finally revealed.

the secret is out.

my Divemaster dump me for another girl. and he was already WITH that girl even before dumping me.

all i know is the girl has short hair. he opened his mail, showed her picture to all the divers in Mabul and bragged about this is his new girl. and he put on a pitied face, telling them he is going to dump me.

u lied to me straight in my face. i asked u, if there is someone else. u raised ur voice, swear to God and said NO! u said your feelings has faded. u said this is the truth. when i insisited, u raised your voice even louder, and said, "u want me to lie to you and say i have another girl just so u feel better izzit!?"

so i believe what u said.

but u lied to me, Divemaster. u fucking lied to me in my face!

why must he do this? why must he hurt me so cruelly? if he doesnt like me, why court me in the first place? why lead me into love & hope, and move on to another woman? why? how can he do such a thing to me? why must he lie to me? why must he cheat on me?

words dont do justice to the pain i am feeling. i feel hurt & betrayed. my heart is broken, trampled again and again. bit by bit, i find out his nasty secrets he did.

am i not good enough? i dont make him happy enough?

i am crying in sorrow here, while he is having fancy dinners with his new girl. calling her at late at night, wishing her lovey good nights - which was exactly what he did for me few months back.

u're a player. and u are so good in ur tactics - u introduced me to your Mom, brought me into your circle of friends, spread the word in Marketing, spend time & effort grooming me into a diver, shower me with love & attention, took me for romantic holidays, make me laugh with ur silly antics... i didnt catch any flaws. i trusted u completely. i gave u my heart.

u did far too much to be a player. but u ARE a player. a real, damn, professional player.

my heart aches in so much agony. i dont know what to do anymore - i can't carry on living. the man of my life killed me, far worse than any psychopathic serial murderers.

what did Michelle do to deserve such inhumane treatment?

Lighting up the Festival

Today is Deepavali. If things were right, I'd be in Penang meeting his dad, brother & sista. And I'd have the chance to taste his granny's much-talk-about thosai.

I don't care how many times Ben & Jan tell me that he doesn't deserve me, I still miss him dearly. Much more than his hugs, his kisses and his char siew fan lunches, I miss him voice. I can't remember what it's like to hear him call me beee.

Michelle still misses her Divemaster. And it pains her, that it reminded her so much of him when she met Ben tonight over a couple of o~kao.

i saw my Divemaster!

i met my Divemaster. i saw my Divemaster. face-to-face for 3 secs. it's the first time i saw him ever since he said goodbye and walked away from me at the airport.

i took great pains to not create "opportunities" to bump into him at office. hence, i survived until today. i was gawd-damn sure Divemaster isn't in the office today. he is supposed to be out for training.

so i braved up and went up! to his floor. the MARKETING floor. i was confident - he's not around, i won't see him. i followedly went in to the room for my healthscreen test. bla bla bla.... the doc told me to exercise more...and he was checking my blood pressure...

SUDDENLY, Divemaster stuck his head in front of me and said, "hey michelle". his familiar Chanel scent wafted into my nose. i mumbled "hey" and quickly look away.

i was shocked. surprised. dumbfounded. then reality started to sink in. that familiar face brought back heaps of memories like tornado. within that 3 sec of his head stuck in front of me, i deduced an image:

• wearing a green Black Menthol shirt
• his usual Chanel scent
• tall guy in Oakleys
• still that same farking good-looking guy i fell in love with
  

hurry up. hurry up! take my damn blood pressure quickly! why so long.... my mind was in a whuzz. my heart was pounding fast. i quickly ran out of the room immediately after, without turning to look at him, without looking anywhere. my eyes was ONLY focused at the exit. fark, i didnt even finish my healthscreen test.

i ran into the toilet, hid myself and cried. i dont know why i did, but i cant stop.

Michelle saw her Divemaster again. But seeing him this time wont end in hugs & kisses.

My Kinda Tall Divemaster

The Divemaster whom I fell head over heels over mind over body over soul over heart over work over diving. And the same blardy Divemaster who shattered my heart into a zillion nano particles.

My Divemaster, xoxo

Love Me For a Reason

I was driving home tonight. The radio played this really old-school track - Love Me For a Reason

don't love me for fun, boy...
let me be the one, boy...
love me for a reason,
let the reason be love...

Michelle dedicates this verse to her Divemaster. She doesn't know what he loved her for, even though it was momentary. As Nabi said, all forms of joy is momentary; thus making joy itself so treasurable.

Failed Attempt to Get Up

Cosmopolitan.au suggested to go party! as one of their tips to overcome a break up. Being a Cosmopolitan-ian, I suckered up at that idea.

Took up an aquantaince's invite and joined them partay, so to say. I walked into the club. Saw this tall, oh-so-handsomely-hot bouncer. Reminds me of Divemaster. Damn, not a good start. And then as the lousy music carried on, I saw more tall men. Reminded me of my Divemaster again. Every cute guy I see, there would be something in him I link to my Divemaster - his shirt, his hair, his eyes, his Oakleys, his Adidias sneakers...

Damn.

I was feeling miserable surrounded by ah beng's & ah lian's oh-so-in-love. One of the guys put his arms around my shoulders and guided me through the crowd. Reminded me of my Divemaster again, how he always protect me from cigarette ashes and empty glasses by sheilding me in his arms.

I was already downright moody. Even the chubby Malay bouncer tried to jiggle to make me laugh. Failed. One of the guys asked who is driving me home - I farking drive myself home, I said. I got a look of a gazillion sympathies.

Damn.

As I was driving home alone, I saw a silver Nissan Sentra beside. Every silver Sentra reminds me of my Divemaster.

Damn. That Cosmo tip did not work. Made me feel worst. I constantly think of him 28/7.

Michelle is trying to get some sleep. Hopefully she feels better tomorrow?
She reeks of beer & smoke. Sounds like Kermit the Frog, after 17 sticks of Fresh Mint.

The Passing of Michelle's Heart

My heart is dead.

Repeated resuscitation failed.

I officially pronounce my heart dead. Time of death: 1103pm, 28/08/09

First Love reconnect

On Oct1 09, I met back my first love.

The very same boy who took me on my first Vulcan Kawasaki ride. He avoided me like plague ever since breaking up - not answering my calls, not replying my mails, ignoring my smses - so I was surprised he said "dinner is a great plan" when I asked him out on FB. I don't know what came over me. I didn't know how I did it. I didn't know how I had the courage. It was just one day - another day of staring at WPC 8308 - I came home, feeling my usual shitty self, logged in to FB, click on his profile and sent message.

And Voila. There I was sipping lemongrass lychee waiting for my Vulcan boy. He appeared in grey shirt + black slacks, shook my hand and sat down. He shook my hand.

We started chatting uncomfortably. There were many long pauses. Uhmms & errrs. I tried to disguise my uneasiness by diverting sight to my Black Menthol.

*ruffle ruffle...scramble...twist, click

Began touching on work, his mom, Dianne, Joseph, his bike, then my family, my job, then it got more relaxed as we touched hobbies. And when he asked me about diving, I was full-fledged in animation about my passion! The fishes, the bubbles I hear, the sun tanning effects, the painful urchins, the peeing in my wetsuit, have I mentioned sun tan already? He was equally passionate about his hobbies - golf, white water rafting, drinking(!), hiking ...

As we talked, I can't help notice, he is still very much the same boy I fell in love with. The way he moves his hands, the way his eyes blink, the way he sits, the way he messes his hair... it reminded me of how close we were for me to notice all these. Man, I wake up every day curled on his abs for 5 years. We weren't just close, we were ONE!

Strangely, I am no longer sad. I no longer yearn for his hugs nor do I have urges to hold his hand. He was just this boy, sitting across me, this boy whom I loved, this boy who I still care, this boy whom I would willingly offer help no questions ask, this boy who I wish him all things nice.

All those depressive posts about him ignoring me, him not wanting to talk to me - its all just me being myself in my depressive nature? I have begun to let go of Rod? I have moved on?

Which I guess also means, the Divemaster is far too strong. Even my rock-solid love for Rod quaver for DM. Why am I so hung up on this DM anyway?

Damn, I miss you. Everyday I hope I wont bump into you cause I wont know how to react. But yet, like a stupid woman, everyday my eyes scan the usual places you hang out, hoping to catch a glimpse of you. I am indeed a farking loser.

Michelle thinks love is unexplainable. Un-quantifiable. Un-calculated. When the heart is loved, it stays loved. No matter how hard she tries to undo it. Does she need to go through what Rod did to let go of her Divemaster?

Divemaster is still much Alive

It was a horrible week for me. Many things happened, many things I saw, which one thing lead to another reminded me of many of my Divemaster's moments:

1. for the 1st time, i felt what's a tremor like. Padang's 7.9 magnitude earthquake shook my 23-storey office. I did what the rest did - shut down laptop, pack up and took the lift down (not according to emergency evacuation rules that is!) as i was exitting, i only had Divemaster in my mind. He's upstairs... i wonder if he has left. Is he all right? Does he know we need to evacuate? Is he OK? So many questions zooming past. I was THIS close to calling him to ask. I DIDNT. And so did he. He didn't call/sms me to check if I was all right. Another big chunk blunt bamboo pierced through my heart. The fact that my not-close female colleague could called, another colleague could called all the way from Indon, and he didn't! just abso-fucking-lutely tore my heart again. Heartbroken. He don't bloody care no more. He don't bloody care about me anymore, you hear me??
2. i saw his car WPC 8308 three times this week. And for 3 times i stood there staring at his car doing nothing.
3. Ben send me a FB message. " Hey babe, how are you? Must be busy with work. Just a casual note to check on my students :) " I replied by asking him if Divemaster has another woman, and is that why?! he dumped me. Ben didnt reply. Shit. Made bloody wrong move. He must have shown DM that message..
   
4. i had a horrible dream last nite. i met Mok and he told me he saw Divemaster at the club with a girl name Serena. Serena... how on earth did that name appear? I don't know anyone by that name! Could it really be, that God is telling me that old, hag bitch is Serena? He dumped me because of Serena? Aaargh, another pierced through my heart.

I re-read & re-read his sms:
Hi babyyyyyyy! Surprise 2c ur sms. Hi princess! Miss u!!! Just got back. Washed all diving stuff, took a shower n sent kenny a courtesy email. Hehe! Good 2 know that u wont go Phil. Not worth it baby. I'll make things great 4u here. As long as we're together, I promise you happiness baby. Forever i loveeeeeeee u! :)

Because of his promise, because he said as long as we're together, because he will make things great for me...... I forgo an opportunity.

He lied. He broke his promise.

Michelle would like to tell Divemaster, please don't promise blindly. You cried when she told you about the offer. She can tell those were real tears. You said every girl you loved left you someway, somehow to pursue greater things. And that broke your heart. You ask her not to leave you because you love her with all your heart.
She loves you too, trusted you. Thats why she didnt leave.

Now you left me. You tell me, "my feelings for you has faded" and left me. How do you expect me to stop crying??? I hate you because you broke my heart. But I love you much deeper. You meant the world to me. Do you know that?

That stupid status update

My Sunday started out well....

I had a good workout, cleaning the house. Then I met up some gal friends over at Delicious. Gossipin & bitchin about how cruel man can be. Then, I did the unthinkable. I log in to Facebook.

Divemaster updated his status, professes to the world he is having a splendid weekend!!

And now I'm back to my depressive, miserable state. He usually updates his status that he had an awesome weekend after spending it with me. I read, I know why and I feel proud. Proud that I made his weekend worthwhile. Even prouder that he spends it with me.
And yet, now... without ME! he's still having a splendid weekend. With who??

Michelle tells herself for the umpteenth time not to think about him. But yet... in the deepest corner of her heart, she still thinks of him, misses him - so terribly much. Today, she's thinking who the fucking bitch is giving HER Divemaster a splendid weekend. "I hope she is constipated everyday and she has to fart every 2mins. You like that, Divemaster? Bloody heartless bastard!"

My Divemaster's imprints

My Divemaster left many imprints when he left. Both physically & personally.

• I love house music - I didn't know how to appreciate house back then, it all sounded the same! A couple of drum beats on repeat and they call this music? My Divemaster led me into a whole new world of trance jamming, to the likes of Armin Van Buuren & his huge collection of Jay-Kay CDs. I am now shaking & grooving to Turn It Up, Capital FM. Occasionally drifting back to our vodka-crazy nights at Phuture.
• I love Havaianas! - My Divemaster showed me my first pair of Top Metallic green because I complained my high heels was killing me. It was love at first sight ever since. When I'm in SG, you'll definitely find me at Heeren. Or Ion (gfs tell me, they opened up a bigger store in Ion)
• I love Toki Doki Lesportsac - I casually mentioned that I love Toki Doki, my Divemaster patiently e-Bay(ed) every night collecting the limited editions for me. Now, as I look at my Toki Dokis sitting in my cupboard, I sigh in sadness...
• I love diving - if you didnt already know. He groomed me into a fanatic diver. I eat, live, breathe scuba.
• I love indomee goreng + egg - My Divemaster cooks the BEST indomee in the whole wide world.
  

Michelle asks, do you know how hard is it for her to get through day by day, when everything she loves, everything she has passion for, reminds her of Divemaster?

30 ways to get over it!

Jo shared her cosmopolitan.au with me and I've fallen in love ever since. And this awesome article I read today, '30 ways to get over your breakup', has got me upbeat, lively and givin' no shit on what the Divemaster is doing.

I'm excited to share my top 5 favs which I am diligently practising or attempting to practise.

1. drink vodka. much vodka
2. change your mobile wallpaper. delete that pic of you & him on your last holiday and replace it with george clooney's mug
3. meet up with long-lost mates ASAP
4. buy the brightest frock, shoes or bag you can find
5. plan a shamelessly girly party with pink martinis, pink champagne, cupcakes & cheese
   

Michelle wants all the ladies to read http://www.cosmopolitan.com.au/30waystogetoverit.htm

Post-Raya blues

It has been 25days. Does anyone realize time passes reeeeeally slow around here? 25days separated from the Divemaster. He's diving in Komodo right now, and he used to tell me he'll be away from me for 8days, thats an awfully long time to be separated from his princess!

Aaaargh. No point reminiscing. He don't bloody care about me anymore.

These past few days, I've been told countless stories of heartbreak. A colleague with 2 young kids was abandoned by her hubby. A friend who dated this guy for 8yrs and was dumped because of an affair. Worst she was already 32. Another friend was pushed aside because the man found a younger girl.
These women have gone through far worst than I. I don't have kids, I'm still young, yes, freaking young... what am I bitchin about?

Michelle is bitchin about how the Divemaster promised he will never leave me no matter what. And yet, he left...

I see, I remember, I shed tears

I was pulling out from the car park today, I saw a familiar number. A few cars ahead, WPC 8308.

I sat in my car staring. And I continue doing nothing, but staring. For a good 30mins. Just staring...

(at the back of my head, images start to flood... the first time i stepped into that car. ocean breeze ambi pur. he took me to vishal. introduced me to vishal's wicked mutton balls. and i could remember. he used his hand, tore of the tender meat and placed it on my plate. "you don't mind rite? i'm giving u the best part" i could remember clearly word for word. on our way back, i noticed Good Evening Bangkok pillows on the passenger seat. a red & black devil soft toy nestled in between. 2 Marlboro DYO 20s sitting in the compartment slots. MOOKS sticker in front. MINISTRY OF DIVING sticker at the back ... michelle, enough!)

fuck it. I jammed the accelerator and left.

Letter #2

Dear Divemaster,

It now has been 17days. 17days of not hearing from you. I'm wondering how you are? I still miss you terribly. Every single fucken morning, I wake up with your image in my head. I try. I try very hard to shake you away, but you are always adamant to stay. And everytime, I see the same visual - the image of you lying on your bed in that cute santa claus boxers, beady-eyes, watching the repeat of Bruce Almighty for the 53rd time.

shit! shit! shit!!! WHY CANT I JUS FUCKIN GET YOU OUT OF MY MIND?

I'm trying so hard. So damn bloody hard. I tried hunger. Cigarettes. More hunger. More cigarettes. Coffee. Plenty plenty of coffee. Not sleeping. Cut my hair. Colored it till its shit brown. No...no... nothing seems to work.

I still see you every morning. I still stupidly hope with every call/sms, it's from you. I still wish none of this would happened. I lied to everyone. Everyone thinks I should be okay by now. I lied. I'm a bloody loser.

I hope you're happy with whoever low life cheap whore you have chosen to pursue. I saw her picture. No doubt she is prettier than me, but she is old. Fucking old. Everything is sagging! Why are you so shallow? No... no... no.... I hope I'm just assuming. You stopped loving me. Period. And not because of some stupid cheap whore? Right, Divemaster?

Day13: I'm a wreck!

Everywhere I go, I see, I hear, everyone is talking about 09.09.09

And today, on 09.09.09, Mr. Divemaster has updated his FB since our separation.
"........................ misses Guinness, Hoegardden and Diving :) "

Stupid huh? He misses beer(!) more than me he miss me. C'mon, michelle. He just said, he has lost his feelings for u. Obviously he doesn't WANT to see u, what more miss u??!! Fuck. I'm not myself. Everyday, when I go home, I'll always run up into my room - lock myself and cry for a good hour. When the eyes are swollen, when the tears ducts are dry, when I'm gasping for air - I'll eventually stop. Then I'll take a shower, go to bed and cry again.

It's degrading. Depreciating. Even I lose respect for myself. Crying and crying, thinking the world has lost its charm, the sun seems a little dimmer, days look gloomy, dark clouds are closing in...

At the same time, what is my man doing? Having his routine flirts with our brand ambassadors missing beer!

Michelle is weak at her heart, mind & body. She can't get a grip of herself... Can anyone please tell her what can she do to be her normal self again, immediately?

Dimanche ... (Sunday night)

It's a Sunday night.

On usual Sunday nights, we would be cooking instant noodles in your kitchen. No, actually u would be cooking - stir-frying sausages, boiling carrots, simmering noodles - while i do the washing. U always say my noodles don't turn out nice.

Then, with each of us holding our bowls filled to the brim, we would scurry into your room and turn on channel 411. Prime time HBO.

But tonight, a Sunday night, u're not here. U will never be here anymore.

Michelle clutches her precious Thomas Sabo charm reminiscing Sunday nights. Her divemaster's first gift.

Letter #1

Dear Divemaster,

It has been 4days since u left. 4 days without your calls and sms. 4 days of tears clutching your picture. 4 days of heartbreak reading your sms over and over again. U said let's move on and make the best for both of us. Let's move on... let's move on... why is it so easy for u to say let's move on?

I can't move on.

I miss you insanely. I will starve for weeks just to hear your voice again, to hear you call me and say hi bee... I will clean the public toilet just to have u hold me in your arms again. I will practically do anything just to have u look at me and say Sayang.

People tell me time heals. But these 4 days seem like 400 years. Every second passes so damn slow. But when we're together - cooking korean noodles in the kitchen, every second passes like lightning.

I figured u must be in Indonesia right now. Photographing mandarin fishes. I remember u telling me - when you still cared about me - that there wouldn't be any reception. But u will still try your best to call me. Guess, u don't have to now, huh?

I miss you Divemaster. So much. Why did u change your heart?

The Divemaster broke my heart

He finally said it.

" My feelings for you has faded. Let's move on. Life goes on "

There must be another bitch. Which man will tell you there is a 3rd party? None I tell you. None of these coward men will have the fucking guts to tell you there is another woman. They just say, oh, i don't love you anymore...

Why is it so hard for me to be happy? Why I can't be happy? I just want to be happy. Nothing more. No big houses, no branded bags, no expensive jewellery. I found my Divemaster and I'm happy. Thats all. But why can't he stay?

The Divemaster left Michelle heartbroken. She can't help herself anymore. She's spiralling down into depression. AGAIN. Why is everything against her to be happy?